This is hard, but here I go. I buried some traumatic events from this past year and now, since I've decided to deal with them, my symptoms are really bad. I am sobbing one minute, flaming mad another, feel violent toward the perpetrators, and I'm generally not fun to be around. It's sort of like PMS times 10. I don't even feel like I can leave the house. I only do when I have to, like grocery shopping or picking up my son from school. Have other people felt paralyzed by their symptoms? I'm now on Lithium, which has helped a ton. Getting on it took away my suicidal feelings. Now I will back up and explain how I got to today...

I worked at a large law firm with over 200 lawyers, as a recruitment professional. It was a great job, except that the hours were demanding, as were the lawyers. I needed legal advice because I was accused of a hit and run traffic violation. We only have one lawyer who does the criminal traffic work, and that was a guy who I had a feeling liked me. I e-mailed him the day the officer was coming over to write up my citations (no report was filed until after the incident). After I met with her, the male lawyer told me to come into his office because he wanted to show me a traffic law from a law book. When I leaned over to look at the law, he grabbed both of my buttocks really hard, and then my crotch. I was in shock. This is a really well-respected law firm in the community. I didn't know what to do, so I waited until the next day to tell my friend (a lawyer at the same firm). She was horrified and said I should report it to HR. I was really scared, but I did end up reporting it, only to be shunned by my friends. An internal investigation began and it was very stressful. I was allowed to take paid time off while the investigations went on. It sucked.

Then, to make matters worse, my supervisor blamed me for the incident and made fun of me all of the time. She accused me of having a relationship with the guy. I was angered, upset, confused and horrified. For the next 5 months on the job, she ridiculed me in any way possible. She made fun of my clothes, told me I was stupid, weak and responsible for the attack. Again, I was in shock. The person who was supposed to protect and defend me, my supervisor, totally stabbed me in the back. Eventually I resigned because I couldn't take the abuse anymore, and because I knew that she and other administrators were framing to fire me. So, I resigned and reported all of it to the EEOC. I encourage folks to do this if you have harassment or discrimination of any kind in the workplace. The EEOC has supported me and helped me in ways I never could have been otherwise.

My health took a beating this past year. I am now in a rural community (the firm was in a big city) and trying to heal. My body aches all over some days. I cry a lot. I've had flashbacks, although those have become less with the Lithium treatment. I'm going to a mental health facility for outpatient services. Group and individual counseling, and I have a new doctor for my meds. I cannot believe this is my life. I am 32 years old and my whole world has been turned upside down. My career at the law firm is gone, I am unemployed and in a new, smaller city. I moved here to start graduate school in January. I am excited about that.

Back to the symptoms, though. There are days when I am unable to leave my apartment to even walk my son to the bus stop. The crying - comes on unexpectedly, so I do not know what the triggers are. I get so raging angry some days, like I want to hurt someone. That is not my personality at all. I just, in general, feel out of sorts. It's pissing me off. I do not like being paralyzed by my feelings. It's bad enough I have bad PMS mood swings, let alone these symptoms. On top of all that, I have a rare form of bipolar. It just seems, some days, like it is all too much.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Yep. That was me to a T, back before I started treatment. It was awful. "Paralyzed" is the perfect word. And the mood swings and wild emotional extremes... I don't know how my family put up with me. I really don't.

For me, treatment was a breakthrough ... it was a definite turning point, like I literally turned a corner and started walking up a new street. I'm still in the Town of PTSD but I'm not stuck on that nastiest low, dark, murky street anymore.

As for how or why the improvements have happened, I don't know. I joke that it all happens completely in spite of myself... I do my exercises and coping strategies, but there is no single ritual or activity or thing that causes improvement. I simply wake up the next day, and the next day is better! Crazy stuff.


Try to stay patient with yourself... I know this sounds impossible, but try anyway. What you are experiencing is completely normal for PTSD. Also try going back and reading older threads in the forum... I found past threads to be very helpful for me, I learned that the symptoms and feelings and struggles I was experiencing were all very common and normal for PTSDers. It makes me feel better to know that what I'm feeling is normal for what I have... I don't feel so weird or impossibly broken. There are others out there who're in the same boat.

Good luck, and welcome to the board!

:) Bailey

You realize that the actions of your boss are illegal as well. If you file a sexual grevience and it is then turned into daily conversation, well, that is just morally wrong. My advice to you is 2 fold. First I would do whatever if takes to make yourself healthy, strong, mentally tough and ensure that your children are doing fine.

Secondly I believe I would contact another lawyer from a different state with no ties to your current law firm. Document EVERY detail of what transpired in a journal. File suit on these people, even if you don't want to money, sue them and donate the money to a worth cause that will make you feel good about what has transpired.

Use enough of the money from the suit to get the proper help you need to make yourself mentally strong and most importantly, spend time with your children. They are the ones with the pure heart and see no wrong in their parents.

I hope all ends up well with you.....

Michigan.....Just wanted to welcome you to the forum.

6 months ago I totally felt paralyzed by my symptoms, (as well as at various other times in my life). It truly is a frightening place/situation to be in. My thoughts are with you and I hope you're getting the help you need. I had to go into a comprehensive 90 day program to pull me out of it. The screwy thing about that is... I had to get well enough to go into that program. Anyway help is out there if you need it. you don't have to go through this alone.
Take Care & Welcome, Morgan

I think every one of us in the forum can identify with you and the feeling of being unable to move or function. After being on meds for years and therapy out the wazoo there are days when I still feel that way.

Welcome to our own little world where we ARE understood and can really open up and vent and know that we will not be judged

Thank you for responding. I feel less alone, just hearing your comments. I have also filed a charge against my supervisor, but I like the idea of filing a suit against these folks by an attorney from another state. I planned to file suits against them, but had an attorney from the same city. Is it better to get someone from another state for financial reasons? Could you please elaborate?

I have had numerous CBT sessions and today I felt exactly this way...paralyzed. It is of shorter duration now though and I know that it will pass but when you are in the middle of that.....it feels like an eternity. I do see improvement though...

Hi Michigan,
Welcome to the forum. Yes i can identify with the paralysis.
I believe you will find relief of your symptoms as you continue in treatment. There is reason to hope for a well balanced future and days of peace.

Eagle

O my you have been through a lot this past year.!!! You sure have a lot of resilience.I can really feel for you. It must be really difficult for you to deal with everything that has happened.Years ago I had been harassed by my boss to the point where I had a nervous breakdown which brought on the flashbacks and all the memories of my childhood and I think that is what triggered the PTSD. I was not harassed sexually, but it was incredibly damaging, but I can truly relate to how paralyzing this all is to you. From what you have been through I think it is completely normal to be feeling what you are right now. It is the only way your body and brain can handle it. It is as though you are being protected from going completely mad. I think that is how the brain protects us from horrible trauma. Hang in there and always keep in mind that you are very strong. You made it this far. My thoughts are with you.