I just got into anxious emotions thinking of writing about my trauma, because it does not fit the typical descriptions. This is my struggle that i was not taken serious for so long.
I worked with these highly driven people who didn't seem to mind to see abandoned and starving kids every day. After some time I was sitting in the corner of my living room feeling that I was going to die, helpless, crying for help and my husband replying,"I can't help you anymore" (this is what I remember) I konw that he loves me, but it really hit me deeply.
Being left abandoned like these kids we tried to help.
Another thing I just realized today is that I get traumatized by an atmoshere of adrenalin, especially when it is in my house. In the past it was people running around saving lives, writing e mails, making phone calls in an adrenalin atmoshere- I really hate it and want to get away from it as much as possible. And that is difficult especially when it is your husband creating this atmosphere. Very confusing. He loves me and he traumatizes me.

I think it's pretty normal to feel your trauma isn't so important, it's different from others, and/or you won't be believed. I felt very different when I first came here, and I struggled with that for a long time. But I am still here after more than a year, and I definitely do belong! You don't have to write all your trauma out in detail right away, if it's too hard just take your time. No one will judge you for that.

I understand this totally. I never really described it as adrenalin, moreso I call it tension or busyness around me, but I do relate, I live with my parents and 2 siblings currently and our house is extremely active. I have a low tolerance for it. Do you have a room you can "retreat" to when things get too busy? I find it helps me to have my own space that the others cannot "invade". Anyways welcome to the forum, I hope you enjoy your time here.

Thank you for letting me know you aslo felt like that. i tried for many years to get recognition, so I am really eager to write more about my trauma as understanding replies come.

Glad you are posting but must admit this would be a lot easier for yourself and us if you would just blurt it all out, but when ever you are ready. We don't always have clear thinking days like me at the moment so I have to be smacked up the side of the head with facts to even begin to get a clue.

Trying (trying because I am having one of those days) to read your other posts so I can have half a clue what you are talking about I am going to guess you work with orphans or sick children but not in your home country? You have decided to leave this? Have you left yet or in the process? Your husband is also doing this same type rescue work and you feel he thinks you are leaving him not the situation making you ill? Just wanting to clarify what is going on.

OK, from there and now you know what I am thinking... Correct me if wrong. Not thinking your trauma is believable is quite normal. I have written pretty much all I have gone through in my diary and have not even believed this was possible, this much was possible and I was there. I had a very hard time thinking someone could believe all of this. Well, people do, and they understand, I have even met some that have walked in my shoes most of the way, even if not all, some of them. It is sad to me knowing I am not alone in much of this.

Just going by what you described, the feelings of helpless, dying, crying for help while sitting in the corner. Did you truly feel death was imminent? If so this sounds like a panic attack. It is a symptom. A symptom that really jacks with our head and those around us. I can completely understand the feelings of abandonment, but that is really not the case. If your spouse had the same thing happen for who knows how long (I lose perception of time during it) you may also finally say I can't help you. And they really can't be expected to without learning how first. It is very scary for them to see too I know. I have seen my husband have a panic attack and he has had 2 since I have known him. First time I got him to the hospital and it was before I had my first one and I had no clue what was happening, I thought he was dying. I have had hundreds since so I know better now.

If my other assumptions are correct it is his rescue work you both do/did that is traumatizing you? Not him but his continuance of his work around you? If so this is certainly sticky. This type of work is a calling and turns into one's life and life work. Some it gets to be too much while another thrives off of it making small differences. It is not him traumatizing you. That you need to understand. He is continuing doing something you both started out doing. He is trying to make a difference. Have you sat down with him and spoken to him that you are now ill and as husband and wife priorities need to be rearranged? Maybe it is time for a career change for you both? I don't know your spouse so I cannot advise well how to approach this. I just am point blank with my husband, no beating around the bush as it is fruitless. Be honest with him that his work is directly hurting you now.

Good luck and let me know if I am off track, but again I am trying to come to a conclusion reading all your postings to add 2 and 2.

Sorry to butt in, but I am confused. Is it encouraged to discuss what caused your trauma? My husband has PTSD from a motor vehicle accident and all the advice he has had is that he never has to discuss what happened, but rather focus on how he is finctioning now in terms of what is acceptable for everyday life and what is not, and then focus on how to begin to feel safe enough to shift his day to day behavious to healthier functioning, for his well being and that of those around him.
Do I have it all wrong?

Yeah, a little. Excuse how I explain it as I already said I was having one of those days. You have PTSD because things were so overwhelming it sort of did a short circuit. You were never able to process it right to begin with. It changed your brain in a way they can see on a MRI it was so overwhelming. As a result nothing stressful from here on in will be a process without work.

Example, if you are "normal" you get that bad thing but your brain processes and resets. Ours were overloaded and blew a fuse. We have to carefully go back and keep manually flipping that breaker where it belongs (you learn how here and with your therapist who knows trauma). So where you seem to have a surge protector we blow a fuse every time and must wander in the dark to the garage stumbling over boxes to get it straight.

If it is never processed it cannot be fixed. You go slowly through it and symptoms you have as a result. You can come to some terms and put it behind you a bit so it is a memory and not life. Thing is with PTSD even if memories are behind you it will not let all the symptoms leave as now you have PTSD. That is the nature of it. But you can control many aspects of PTSD if you keep stress levels in range. But then you have triggers, anniversaries to deal with. If you are so beyond traumatized like many concentration camp victims for example then you may be worked with to suppress but that is very rare.

Hello Vailed!
What do you mean blurt it all out? Am I not doing it?
I am out of that situaion for years. Circumstances are balanced now. But i still respond to what happened back then. I like your fuse example. It is so true for me.
The example of death I wrote about: I did not feel it physically, my body was calm; it was a feeling of dying, being robbed of my life energy. I don't think it was a panic attack. I can think more about it.
Being surrounded by dying people every day, my boundaries oversteped by others, having no friends who are like me, being expected to give 24/7, no neutral outside support .... all of that happening at the same time was the killer- and all of that for 2 1/2 years ongoing.
I am away from that situation, but what reminds me brings the feeling up again.
The last weeks I can see more that my husband is not the one traumatizing me.
Still it bothers me that I gave as much as him, but I come out damaged.

Thank you Veiled. Do not apologise, you have explained it very well.

It sounds like my poor dear husband has such a lot of work ahead of him. He does not even feel motivated to continue his therapy right now and he has only had 2 sessions with "the right therapist" so far. I hope he realises how worth it he is soon (I have now realised I cannot make him realise, he has to do it himself).

Hi Bella 78!
For me it is very imortant to understand what caused the trauma, since i am suffering for years and not really understanding why. I am functioning in daily life. i think that would make the difference when to talk about causes.
Felicitas

Hi Felicitas and welcome,

As Veiled expressed, I also am having trouble understanding your situation and so have not known how to really respond. I have found that getting it out of my head into words helps - that's part of the whole point of the diaries section here, but it also applies to the chat sections, where we ask each other for ideas, reality checks, support.

I wish you the best in working this out and hope you get to feeling more comfortable talking about it here. I know it can take awhile - I remember being new :)

Hodge