My husband has PTSD from a motor vehicle accident 7 months ago. He didn't get the proper help (only psychiatric medication - now on anti-depressants) he needed right away. We started to get him some targeted counseling recently, but I think it was too late. Things have gone badly in his life and he reacted by withdrawing completely. After an 8 day stint in bed with severe depression, he has now cut me off, moved out and wants no contact. He said he needs some time away from me and while that sounds as though he doesn't intend for it to me permanent, it has now been almost 3 weeks. He has said that he is not sure yet if he wants a divorce. Luckily I know that is unlikely to be how he really feels (I hope! Not just denial is it?).

He seems to be getting on with life (working WAY TOO HARD) but I am certain it is just him distracting from the issue to the extreme as that was the bad advice he got in the beginning. He has a lot of pressure as he owns and runs his own business which unfortunately has taken quite a blow financially, so now he is working so hard to try to get it back on its feet and thinks that to do that he can’t also include me in his life.

I am affected quite badly, in that I have hurt for him so. He frustrated me to the point where I was telling him off and we were arguing a lot because in my eyes, he was not carrying out his life in a manner helpful to getting on with things and giving due attention to his mental health. So we argued a lot before he left, as he was already drawing away and I was trying to lure him back to me. When this didn’t work I was getting offended and sad and demanding that he be close to me because that's what I thought we both needed. Only it just pushed him further away. I can see it so clearly now.

So now I miss him terribly and my heart breaks for him. I want to some how let him know I am here to support him, and I am not going to be the nagger he couldn’t live with anymore, and that there are things he can do to feel better, I can help him etc. But I want to be so careful in how I approach him as I know he doesn't want to be pushed. So how do I do that? What can I do/say to show him I don't want to dictate him anymore and that he does not need to shut me out? I seriously can’t just sit back and be totally cut off from him much longer. I can give him his space but wish he would give me a chance to show I can do that and be his wife at the same time.

Being apart even this long has been so hard and I’m not much sure how much longer at it my heart can take it. We are just newlyweds. Married only 14 months ago, just 7 months before his accident. We used to be so close and if I had to go away for even just one night we both missed each other so very much. This is the hardest thing.

Anyone been through something similar or do any mental health professionals have any ideas of how I can reach out to him? Not to try to control him but to subtly gently influence him and to make him realise there are better ways forward? I have heard that the way to do it is show them the way without them realising you are doing it and then when they make the decision it really is their own.

Welcome to the forum Bella, always lovely to see new members and I am delighted you have found the Carers section and are participating in posting so quickly. That can only be helpful to you.

Merely for clarification Bella, what do you mean by it being too late? Starting therapy 7 months after your trauma is actually quite early in my experience, and well done to him. Many here have been untreated for years. Or are you meaning too late for him to have counseling to prevent his getting full blown PTSD?

Yes, overworking could definitely be a way for him to cope with his symptoms at the moment. A form of self-medication, similar to drinking, gambling, or other "escapes" when the pain of the symptoms is too great. He also may be trying to save his business however, as you mention it is suffering. Is he currently still in therapy or treatment of any kind?

I am pleased you now realize that the fighting, nagging and pushing him to be there for you and so on is not helpful. That is an important step that many partners have trouble grasping. However Bella, were you doing this fighting and so on up until 3 weeks ago? I must be honest with you, 3 weeks is not a long period of time to be separated. From what you have described, I suspect he is extremely overwhelmed. Not only does he have the symptoms of PTSD to contend with, but he also faced much tension and stress at work, and much tension and stress at home from you! Perhaps he was trying to eliminate one of his stressors? He cannot get rid of the PTSD, and the business is his livelihood and quite likely tied up to his self-esteem as well. So, he asked for a break from the only stressor he is able to have a break from, being you. It is no fun facing that, however I suspect this is what has occurred.

To reiterate, 3 weeks is not a long time for any trial separation. Whilst you are now changed, he may not believe so yet, may not trust you completely because of past experiences. It will take some time for him to build up his trust again if that is the case. The worst thing I believe you can do is try to "force" yourself on him in any manner. Even if you do so very gently, because of past experiences with you pressuring or trying to control him, he may be ultra sensitve or triggered, and still take that as a kind of pressure. Additionally, he may simply be very busy with his work at present, trying to hold things together with the PTSD included and so on. There may be no energy left for you at this point.

What is the current situation? Do you have any contact with him at all, through the telephone, emails, and so on? If you are having some contact with him currently, my suggestion is to perhaps let him know that you have changed, and that things will be different should you reconcile. However then allow him time to absorb that information. How much time he needs is up to him.

I am not saying all this to blame you Bella; far from it. He needs to take responsibility in the relationship as well. It is most unfair for him to "string you along" if that is what he is doing. However, given he has PTSD and is under an incredible amount of stress, his time frame for dealing with this will likely be longer than you would like. I see little else that you may do at present, other than give him the space he needs to sort matters out. You unfortunately cannot force someone to reconcile. Perhaps others will have some additional suggestions. Do keep reading here and posting as much as you like, ask questions and so on. That is most important and will be very helpful to you. Take good care.

Thanks Kathy. It all helps.

To answer you questions, firstly, when I say "too late" I meant, yes, to prevent hi PTSD from blowing out to the extreme case that it is. I don't think I know enough about it all yet (I am trying to learn ALL I can), but based on what I do know and based on how my husband was progressing with symptoms in the first few months, I think that if he got the right type of counselling sooner, he would not be hurting and suffering as much as he is now. That goes for me too, If I had been given the infomration I needed sooner, perhaps I would have known how to care for him properly. It pains me to think that I have probably contrinuted to putting him where he is now (NOT in a good place).

But I recognise what you are saying, in that as long as he has made it to begin counselliung, the only way to look now is forward, and be grateful that we came across that one person who recommended it. The only problem is he has ceased his treatments, even though he admits it is only for the time being. I just have to hope that he sees the benefit, and realises he is worth it to continue when he is ready.

It hurts to hear what is probably a harsh reality that 3 weeks is not long. It seems like 3 months from where I am. And with Christmes so close, I really just want him home. But I know I need to put his own needs before my own and be patient, so I am giving him as much time as he needs. Even though it is absolutley killing me.

To summarise our contact over the past little while, he left almost 3 weeks ago and I gave him a good 3 days with no contact. Then I called and visited a couple of times to see how he was, ask if he needed anything and ask him when he was coming home. If I knew then what I do now, i never would have done that. But he said he just wanted a few days time out, so after a few days, I got anxious.

Then following these few bits of contact he said a few harsh things to me to get me to back off. Like, "leave me alone you psycho." and "I just can't stand to be around you" and "Don't you get that I want to be away from you?" So then naturally these things hurt me a lot and in offence almost I retreated for another few days with no contact.

Then something happened that necessitated contact. I very calmy called him and said thet I was very sorry to call him and I know he wants his space but I need to check something. Then during the conversation he actually called me "Babe" 3 times which was really something. He also showed interest in what I was doing. But instead of being happy with this and then just leaving him again, I blew it. With that glimmer of hope I asked if I could drop in later to see him, just quickly. He said OK and when I got there something dramatic happened (a WHOLE OTHER story I can go into some other time) that set me off. I reacted in a volatile way that was not sinsitive to his reasons for leaving in the first place, then cried which also upset him more and left with him saying, "See, this is why I can't love with you." That was a week ago.

Since this incident one week ago I have not contacted him at all besides 3 days ago I left a letter for him to "metaphorocally" explain to him that I have not let go of lots of andger and I forgive him for what happened. I have been so frustrated for him not forgiving himself, then i realised I had not even forgiven him. I know now that just because I wish something didn't happen does not mean I cannot forgive. So I let him know gently in a letter. I left it in the mailbox so did not need to contact him to get it to him.

I decided if I could let the message of the letter sink in for him for a couple days, I could then gently continue to communicate my love and support. I messaged him on his phone to invite him for dinner, if he wanted. i also added he was welcome to just come grab some food to take with him, but no pressure. His reply was quite positive, saying "No thanks, but I have had a virus and been vomiting, but thanks anyway." I just replied that I was sorry he was sick and anytime.

Then later yesterday he came home to get some tools. He acted stand-offish with me at first but i was very gentle in my speaking. Not once did I question him, tell him off, judge him, criticise him or ask when he was coming home. He would have expected all of that from me. And I can't blame him.

When he noticed (I think) that I was speaking differently and with a different attitide, he sat down and rank the drink he had rejected 5 mins earlier. We then had a fairly good chat for about 15 mins. I explained that io have been gathering a lot of information that is helping me undertsnad PTSD so much better and that I am sorry for pushing him away. I made it clear that all I was trying to do was help him and fix things. he said he knew that. I said I now know I can't fix it, he has to.

I also told him how hard it has for me to be without him but that i am going to keep battling on and giving him what he needs as I love him and do not want to give up on him. I asked him if he noticed that i have given him lots of space. He did and said he appreciates it.

He then told me that he has been really happy and is getting heaps of work done and doesn't have the stress in his head all day from be being on his case. I told him again I was sorry for it. He said "I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen." I said that i see now and am learning the right way to be and hope that he will feel safe to come back soon and let me show him I can be the support he needs. he just told me he isn't realdy yet.

This morning, since he had said he missed our dog (who is a wreck herself, misses him terribly) and that he would come to get her today to be at work with him, I messaged him and aksed if he would like me to drop her off on my way towork. he replied yes.

Last night I had printed out your tips Kathy, on how to care for a loved one with PTSD during a tough time. So I decided that to show him what i am striving to be for him, i would show him. I folded the sheet and slipped in in an envelope with a note saying that this is the advice I am getting, I am beginning to really understand and this is what I want to try to be for him. When I dropped the dog off, I asked how he was feeling. He said, still bad. I simply said I was sorry to hear it. I told the dog to behave, then I handed him the envelope and said "Here is something for you to read of you like."

I am trying to give him all his choices, but at the same time just enough hints here and there so that he can see that I have changed my attitudes and maybe could be the right support for him. I also want him to be sure i am still here for him. Al the while I am giving him as much space as possible. I just feel that if I don't contact him at all for more than 3-4 days, he may not feel I am there for him?

Is there any way to subtly keep that feeling getting to him, and to show him how much batter I can be for him? He seems to respond as long as I keep it very low key. I may be getting the hang of it. Or am I going to blow it again?

I apologize for not having responded sooner, simply very busy. Before I do respond in full though, I wanted to ask: have you asked your husband directly what he wants? Have you asked him how often he wants contact with you, how long he wishes the separation to be, how much help he wants from you and so on? It is a different matter if you have already asked and he doesn't know or refuses to tell you, however if you have not directly asked him, you will be giving yourself much grief trying to guess. We carers are not mind readers! Additionally, he is an adult and the decisions he makes must be respected, regardless if he has PTSD. Yes, those with PTSD do well with an understanding carer, however only if they truly want the help of said carer. If they don't want the help and it is pushed upon them, they tend to withdraw even further. It boils down to, you must know his boundaries and he must know yours, and you must respect each other's boundaries. That is something you must do in any relationship, PTSD notwithstanding.

I noticed you asked this question of the sufferers, well done. I do hope they can give you some insight. Know however that each situation is unique. It is ultimately up to your husband to tell you what he wants.

Thanks Kathy.

I must admit I have not directly asked my husband what he wants. But to be honest I am not sure he knows yet.

He is throwing himself at his work and seems to have little time for anything else. From what I can gather he is also sleeping quite a lot and that is either his depression (very typical for him) or the fact that he has been quite sick with vomiting for about 2 weeks on and off (maybe a symptom?? or a bug he just can't shake).

I have spoken to him on the phone this morning, he made contact with me to ask a bout a bill coming in the mail. During the conversation I did reassure him that he still has 9 days until holidays to get a ll the work done he is panicking about. It seemed to make him realx a little, perhaps me suggesting my faith in him... then with his slightly lifter spirit, I felt it safe to gently probe if he thought he would make it to Christmas with his family on Christmas Day. He sorrowfully said "I don't know, you know how I feel about Christmas" - I wasn't aware of any great feeling either way. Seems he does have one now.. I didn't take that as a positive enough response to continue to probe as to whether he thought he would come to my family's Christmas that we do on Christmas Eve.

To be honest I have hope that he may be home by Christmas and I wanted to ask him but I really thought that it would be pushing him and I am trying my best to NOT do that. I don't want to ruin all the "hard work" I have put in over the past 9 days (since I started researching PTSD properly), by giving him space and only making contact when necessasry and keepoing this very low kep but very caring and supportive (even when I wanted to tell him off!!).

Originally when he left, around 4 days before the end of November he said, "See you at the end of the month, I've got work to get done to pay the end of month bills". And at the time I really thought that would be it. But that was before I understood. And since he defenitely doesn't understand what is going on in his head I doubt he can guess if or when he will feel differently. Does that make sense?

As far as how much help he wants goes, I have made very small gestures, taken him minor theings and he has quietly thanked me. I did ask if he would like me to pick up anyhing from the shops when I go today and he said, "No I am just fine." I replied "I am sure you are" - even though I know he isn't!! Is that wrong of me? I am not about to argue with him. I am trying to act virtually in the opposite way I was before in terms of telling him what to do. I figure a good strategy is to offer information and possibly my opionion and then let him decide things himself... Am I on the right track? I respect he can make his own decisions. Just want him to feel safe to ask me for help to make any he is unsure of.

I am getting a feel for his boundaries and don't think I am pushing. I did flat out tell him that if anythign I do or say is not OK for him I want him to tell me and I promise I will stop and respect his wishes. He seemed surprised to hear me say that.

sorry, just realised I did a rather lonf reply in the quick reply box... still getting the hang of this forum, bit different to others I have been on
I look forward to your thoughts more on this Kathy. Evie has provided me with good insight already, profoundly what my sister also said. And I am looking forward to veiled's comments when she feels up to it.

Thanks.

This reply will be brief again Bella, I will be on more in the morning likely. I am up because Evie is ill but I decided to come on here for a minute to answer you. I am glad Evie helped you and Veiled has very good insight, she will be helpful to you I'm certain. From all you are sharing it sounds as though you are trying very hard to do the right thing. Well done for that. Perhaps the only matter you must really work on is patience? Far from easy though, I know that from personal experience. However the PTSD sufferers really do operate on their own timetables, and that is something we as carers need to accept.

I would imagine Christmas would be most difficult for your husband; it is difficult for many here, an added stressor for them. He may have been good in previous years but that is pre-PTSD, correct? I suspect too, it is a time where he may feel pressure to "perform", to be happy, to socialize with others and so forth. Christmas carries many expectations. At least with Evie it is so.

Bella, I know you said you have read many articles on here, however have you read this one:

Understanding PTSD - Edited

It is one of the best articles and explains the stress of PTSD extremely well. If you haven't read it I highly suggest you do. The PTSD Cup Explanation helped Jim and I tremendously in dealing with Evie. It was the first time my husband and I really gained understanding into what she was experiencing and why she reacts the way she does.

Thanks Kathy, I will have a read.

Sorry to hear Evie is feeling unwell.

Yes, patience is something I don't have much of, I know that for sure. But I really am doing my best. I will try harder though.

Hi Bella, welcome aboard!

For what is worth you have made a great start by wanting to learn about this & what you can do to help your hubby.

I have just gone past the 2yr mark with my hubby & believe me I'm still learning & stuffing things up as to how to respond to things so don't be so hard on yourself.

The one thing I will ask you to thing about is going to see someone for yourself. I went to see someone because I had to grieve for my hubby as he will never be the man I thought I was going to be married to. (his accident happened the day before our 1st wedding anniversary)

Just remember that although it sucks seeing them in so much pain & turmoil if you don't look after yourself it will only make things harder on both of you.

take care

hey jods, no problems there. I am already onto my third Psychologist. My first was a free one offered thru my work and she was great but I was onyl allowed 6 sessions with her, second one was useless - well, to me anyway. I have had one session with my new lady and the next in 3 days (bot do I need that one NOW).

Through a combination of my current psychologist, our GP (who has also been somewhat a marriage counsellor for us these days) and my hubby's Psychologist (a PTSD specialist) it has been determined that I probably have Adjustment Disorder and Vicarious Trauma (also known as secondary trauma and carer's trauma). The latter is due to issues I have driving in traffic and in situations that remind me of hubby's trauma (not that I was there but unfortunaltely I have a picture of what happened that runs thru my head - I was at the scene in the aftermath... shaking now) and I also get a startled response every now and then, much worse now that I am home alone, and also nightmares.

So yes, I am taking all the help I can get.

I also have a wonderful netwoek of family and friends, including at work that support me. Gee, I sure would have got the sack by now if work weren't so understanding.

I am so very sorry that your husband's accident was just a day befoe your first wedding anniversary. And I thought our sucked because he worked most of the day and then we argued in our front yard in front of neighbours and I ran inside crying.

I'm glad to hear you are seeing someone & you have a great network around you. At least you had enough sense to know you weren't coping & saw someone.

I hear you about the driving, I hated driving hubby around after is accident, I was so on edge cause I could see his white knuckles before I would even start the car up.

I didn't see hubby's but it was on the news & he rang me about a minute after it happened then I had to meet him at the hospital. Not a day I look back on fondly either.