I thought this may be the best thread to put an update into. I just need to get this out more than anythign. Being Xmas Eve I am a bit emotional...

In 2 days it will be one month since my hubby moved out and asked me to leave him alone. I have obliged this as best I can. Then when I started learning how to deal with his PTSD I took a few steps as suggested by some of the wonderful folk on here, including Veiled and Evie and other carers.

Basically I have made a few simple gestures to show care and support and these have been received quite well. I have kept all contact very simple and only every 2-3 days. It seems to be moving things in the right direction, very slowly, but in the right direction nonetheless.

I have kept telling myself not to to be impatient as this is likely to take some time, so I have been told. But with Xmas coming and also my 30th birthday 2 weeks later, it is tough. But then I keep telling myself as if those things matter. They are just another day and he is what matters. But that does not mean that inside my heart I don't really want him home for Xmas.

I spoke to him 4 days ago and he said he had a job to finish for Xmas day and he ma even have to work all of Xmas day to get it done. So I told myself the chances of having him for Xmas were slim to none but at least I had some confort that it was because of work and not him hating me. Selfish i know because he is feeling a ton of pain no matter what, but I suppose it somewhat eased my own pain to look at it like that.

Then I got a hint from something else he said 2 days ago that he may finish the job and when I told him my grandmother said to tell him she hopes to see him for Xmas if he feels up to it, he just said, "yeh, OK. But I've got work to get done first" But he didn't say "No she won't see me.".... so that gave me a bit of hope.

But I should NOT have got my hopes up, even though I told myself not to, I think I kind of did.

I just poppped down to see him, to get our camera so I can take it to Christmas and I woke him up, at 1pm! When he is supposed to be working, so he said. And that was his excuse for not beng able to come to Xmas. It has also been his excuse for moving out!

I have to admit I lost my temper a bit and told him he should stop lying, saying he is working when he is only sleeping. Wish I didn't do that, I guess I am very emotional about being alone for Christmas, but I did call afterwards to apologise. He hung up on me.

But I really must wonder why the lies and covers ups? It is about his biggest problem right now. He keeps using the excuse that he can't come home as he is working so hard but every time anyone goes to his work he is never doing much if any work and a lot of the time he is sleeping.

I know the sleep is because he is depressed, but I wish he would just say that, instead of giving me all this BS.

I am also really starting to consider some advice that Anthony gave me gegarding giving our PTSD sufferers a bit of a kick in the behind when they need it, otherwise they think they can get away with anything. I think perhaps we may be approaching a need for that. He can't keep being so wreckless and irresponsible like this. And then just lying about it. But I am sure gonna need some good advice on how to kick him in the behind a bit effectively. I can see it could go horribly wrong if done badly..

He knows you busted him lying. Lying about shit is not the same as being tolerant of PTSD. Still I would give it until after Xmas to harp. Some areas are not to be crossed and tolerated, but how you draw the line is very individual.

Just look at the big picture when you are counting days or weeks. Those are nothing in the big picture. My husband and I see months as brief skips in time. These are really blinks in time.

He may be BSing you to make you feel better... Never know. We will at times just fib to try to spare you more pain. But lying is still a no no.

lying is lying
i've had a bucket full today from my "friend"
all of my ptsd carer knowledge went out the window
really lies are lies
it's not on

Thanks Veiled and nyc.

He always knows when I bust him lying. It seems to work him up more. Almost like he is ashamed but snice he refuses to bear the brunt of his mistakes these days he almost childishly behaves as though he has done nothing wrong and anything i mention is so naggy and painful that I end up being the one in the wrong.

I could fully believe he is BSing me to save me pain. He has admitted to doihng this since his PTSD onset with rergards to money matters. So probably no different now.

I will definitely leave any up the behind kicking until after Christmas, no worries there. I recognise the emotional stress he is/will be under. I would never do anything that added to his pain.

But I seriously would love topical advice, or even word for word suggestions on how to gently kick him up the backside... ?

Wow, you sound just like me. I have been married for 5 years now,but my husband suffered a trauma 8 years ago, before I even met him. He has been dx with PTSD for about 2 years and has been getting treatment, but about 4 months ago quit, thinking he was done.
About 4 weeks ago, I suffered a misscarriage, the day after I found out he tried to commit suicide, and now wants a seperation.
I am the one crying saying save us, i love you... and he is virtually shutting me out only when I try to talk is when he does too... any help or good success stories out there?
Deanna

Oh dear Deanna. I am so sorry for your loss. What a horrible thing to go through let alone not having your husband well. Do you have people who can support you and your husband at this time? How are you feeling? Is your husband better now?

My thoughts are with you.

I do have family, but im in virginia and they are in NJ. He is stating that he will try marriage counseling in 4 weeks... giving me time contrainst and everything. I feel like im being strung along, he is in control, and all I seem to do is cry and beg.

Im feeling like just throwing in the towel, only I have 2 small children. He, my husband, has given me no sign of love or caring through all of this,and really makes no effort or wants to do counseling on his own, only when I ask. Any suggestions

thanks nicolette... its nice to know that someone cares and actually reads these.

ps. i have family in melbourne..

Hi, I'm new to the forum and would like to know if Bella78 or deedlight have any updates to their situation as I am finding myself in a similar situation.

About 4 weeks ago my hubby went out with friends and never came home. He text messaged me and said he felt like he was going crazy and that he didn't think he should be with me and our son so I've been living with my mother because he refuses to come home if we are there. We've been in contact and he has seen me and my son, but we still haven't talked about what he's going through.

He's gone to see a civilian doctor who referred him to an army doctor, but he has not seen the army doctor yet.

I know each situation is different, but would like to know how either of you have approved your hubbies or if you just waited till they came around or I guess if you're still waiting.

Hi Mahea and welcome to the forum.

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I would find it difficult if my husband did that to me let alone resulting in me moving for him to have use of the house.

It is not my place to tell you what to do however, if I was in your shoes, I would not allow my husband to force me and my son out of the house. You and your son are important and such disruption may be detrimental to your son if he realises he has to leave his home to accommodate his father. Of course, if it is safer for you to be at your mothers then that is a different story. How old is your son?

Is the reason you have not talked about this because of avoidance or has your husband told you he will not discuss the matter? What made you feel you had to leave the house other than your husband saying he would not come home if you are there?

I do wish I could offer some helpful advice but we are here to listen

Thanks for listening Nicolette.

I shouldn't say my son he is our son and he just turned one this past Sunday.

We have not talked because my husband will not discuss the matter. He is always too angry or stressed from work and will refuse to sit down with me. He keeps telling me that he knows we have to talk, but its never a good time.

I guess I left the house because I felt like I wanted my husband to have a place to come home to because he has no where else to stay other than with friends or at hotels. Also, its nice to have the extra help with my son.

Trying to understand if his behavior is caused by PTSD or just because he's "behaving badly" is what I'm struggling with and also whether or not he wants to try and work on himself and the relationship. What I'm really trying to determine is when do you say enough is enough and I know only I can answer that.