I am attempting to write more articles for the Carers Information section and as such I have decided to ask some questions of you sufferers, as I highly value your input. Firstly, for anyone who cares to share, what do you see as the qualities of an ideal carer? What things do you wish your carer (spouse, family, friends, etc) would do for you? What do you wish they would not do? What are some pet peeves you have regarding your carer(s)? Please share anything and as much you like, it would be most appreciated.

I would not say it is all actions really. It is mainly attitude, and the right attitude seems to make life much more bearable for all involved. I will admit my attitude sucks a lot of the time. My husbands? He is amazing, I would kill me if I had to live with me :) Maybe my attitude would be better if I did not have PTSD?

Flexibility. Your life has now changed. Plans must be changed, priorities need to be rearranged, bread winner now may be you, and you should expect surprises. This is certainly not the life I envisioned or my spouse but this is what we got. So for me flexibility is huge as daily plans change swiftly along with life.

Maturity. No head games, and petty fight BS. We are not in high school or are kids anymore. If he left the seat up on the toilet, put it back down. If he has not learned how to do this by now he ain't going to so don't bitch. Just an example of petty BS.

Bluntness. I can't figure out what is going through my own head half the time, I sure as hell don't have time to figure out what you are thinking. So say what you mean and mean what you say.

Don't take PTSD personally. I snap a lot or things don't come out as I intended. I just open my mouth and insert foot. Thankfully my spouse knows this and it is water off a duck's back to him.

Compassion. Think about it, we don't like insomnia, nightmares, jumpiness, IBS, vomiting and nausea, dizziness, faintness, panic and anxiety attacks, flashbacks, depression, physical pains, triggers... See how we may be a bit grumpy? We really don't like this either and I will even go so far to say we like it even less than you do ;). We are not always having a pity party, this shit can really wear us down sometimes.

Please do not sneak up on us. Try to approach from front if possible. Hell, I still can jump out of my skin when I see the person coming! Considering I will almost collapse when the toast pops up when I am watching and waiting... I am a bit jumpy. Guess who's kids do not have a jack in the box?

An open ear and a strong shoulder when I need it. Patience when I don't want it.

Someone to push me in the tub when I really don't want to go.

Someone to make dinner if I really cannot even make sense of instant crap in a box directions. Someone to tell me how great my cooking is to motivate me to go back in the kitchen after I have given up for 2 weeks.

Someone who points out what improvements I have made or things I did that day. So instead of "what did you do all day" try "hey, I am glad you ate or got a shower" when things are that rough. Positive reenforcement goes a helluva lot farther than nagging. And for the love of God, no guilt trips.

Basically I need my husband to be exactly the way he is.

What do you see as the qualities of an ideal carer?

An ideal carer would be someone who has educated themselves on everything PTSD and trauma related, a person who is empathetic but not sympathic. A person who pushes when they know the time right to push, though can judge the sufferers mood to know when not to push, or quickly backoff if the sufferer is simply not coping. A carer should just hold their hand and be known to be their for them, though not try and solve the problem nor pretent they understand. I believe it really is a person who has a good knowledge of trauma with the right balance of skills to push and backoff when each is required. Kathy, to be perfectly honest; if you wrote about yourself and how you and Jim deal with Evie, that would be very close to the perfect document IMHO. That is not blowing wind up your backsides either, just the facts as I see them. I could even say Nicolette is getting close to this, though lacks the education aspects of dealing with trauma.

What things do you wish your carer (spouse, family, friends, etc) would do for you?

Me personally, I cannot say anything with Nicolette as she is pretty close to doing all the right things, being to simply love me and respect my wishes, though not allow me to treat her as a doormat.

Kerrie did all the wrong things; she enabled me, she fought with me, she attacked me, she followed me to provoke me when already stressed. She never respected my boundaries, only her own.

What do you wish they would not do?

As above, regarding how Kerrie-Ann dealt with me.

What are some pet peeves you have regarding your carer(s)?

Nothing comes to mind on this one with Nic. Even my family don't pressure me, they just listen and support me.

I'm trying my best and learning everyday. I do agree I need education in relation to trauma and will endeavour to do so. Reading the forum is helpful at times.

Thank you for the compliment Anthony and yes I do love you and that's why I want to learn - so we can have the best life possible

I like your question.
This is what I came up with spontaneoulsy:

Someone who cares for him/herself in healthy ways and stays comitted.
Someone who doesn't belittle by wanting to safe the other.
Someone who is in touch with own feelings and does'nt blame the other for it.
Someone who remains a partner and sees unconditional value in the other.

I don't have anything to add really, everything I would have to suggest has already been explained very well. And anyways my family is very good, I am very fortunate that way. Thanks Mum! :) I will say a pet peeve though... I hate whiney carers. The ones who are always complaining about us and our actions, but yet don't seem to be working on themselves much. Umm hello we are the ones with the illness, last time I checked anyways. It's not like we're choosing to be this way. Conversely though... just because we have an illness doesn't mean we can't make any decisions about ourselves though either. We are not mentally challenged. That's another pet peeve of mine.

It's a fine line that carers have to walk, I suspect--challenge us, but not too much! Don't expect too much, or too little.

I strongly agree with Veiled's suggestion to focus on positive reinforcement. I have the best, most productive relationships with the people who accept how I am, see how I want to change, and challenge and praise me along the way. I've been this way a long time--my friends and family wishing I was otherwise won't make it so.

Many good points have been made. I do have a pet peeve. People who truly do care sometimes say "I understand". This in response to a specific traumatic event sets my teeth on edge. People do NOT understand who have not been in similar situations.

I dont expect friends who do not have ptsd to understand. It is quite enough for them to care, listen and be there for me.

I think it may have been mentioned but i also do not enjoy sympathy no matter how hard a time I am having. It makes me feel worse and like omg things are even worse than I thought.

Sympathy also can be crippling for some folks. For me ptsd means I have to always keep hope going and keep moving ahead even if only in baby steps. If I stop or slide back in selfpity or response to sympathy then I have to climb back out of a pit.

Thanks for asking and I hope this helped a little.
Eagle

Guess I get to add in my two cents here!

My biggest pet peeve.. is the carer saying they suffer to, or that they also trauma, secondary PTSD, anxiety etc.. and try to use that as a way to relate and/or tell us how to do it. I think they should shut up. They don't relate, they haven't got a clue, and they don't suffer anything like we do. I simply can not stand it.

As for the great qualities.. I'd have to say V covered it. Although I'd add in humor. Gotta have a great sense of humor and a sarcastic one at that!

bec

Oh I have a big pet peeve that I think bothers all of us to some extent. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't bug us to "go places"

I have severed relationships because friends did not respect the difficulty I had in going out in public. They would say stupid stuff like--It's just a restarunt---! I did not expect them to understand my issues, but I did expect them to respect my issues and not push, bug or at times try to shame me into going with them. "Oh come on and go, it will be fun" Maybe for them! "Go with us, we are all your friends" If they were my friends they would not push!

And most of all, DO NOT try pushing in public. If I am out and NEED to go home, don't make an issue of it. In fact, simply say OK when I say I am leaving and do not take it personally!

We need to be asked to go places in order to know people still care. Even though we will decline being asked helps us feel at least a small connection to the rest of the world. Before I was diagnosed, I thought people did not like me. The never invited me to go places. I finally realized that they once were asking me but quit since I never went. So continue to include us and ask even if we decline.

Hope this suggestion helps even 1 person annd their families