My name is Boo-Damphir. Here's my background in a nutshell (pun intended :)
I was sexually abused by my father as a child. Ran away at age 12, again at 13, and at age 14, my parents finally stopped looking. So I guess in today's terms, I was emancipated at age 14. My mother, who is now deceased (found her way out too) knew what was going on but lacked the personal stregth to step in the way. She loved me and protected me the best way she could; she sent me money while I was away from home and kept my location secret. As a young teen used to abuse, I tended to let others continue that cycle on me. At 14-16 when you are too young to work, you do what you have to to stay halfway fed and housed.
At 16 my Mom talked me into coming back to our town (but not back home.) She was the secretary to the President of our college and she made arrangements for me to move into the dorm and spend the summer getting my GED (since I never attended much of high school) and in the fall I was a 16 year old college freshman. I lived in the dorms which were ironically about 4 blocks from my parents home.
I floundered for the first year, learning social skills (from college kids - yeah right LOL) and completed the Nursing program. Shortly after graduation I went into the Army as a nurse and begged and pleaded to get assigned overseas (I'm so good at running far away)
I spent 5 wonderful years in Germany, I learned to kick ass and take names. I am woman, I am strong, I have no problems... oops... they follow you no matter where you go.
When I received my discharge papers I returned to the US and began dating a timid little mouse who became my first husband. although he was a firefighter by trade, he was easily bullied and manipulated - God how I loved to finally feel that power over someone else! After 4 years of my abuse, he decided enough was enough. I too saw the handwriting on the wall and understood why I had chosen him and why my behavior had taken on such an ugly face. After the divorce I spent the next many years working 60+ hours a week, climbing every corporate and educational ladder I could grasp. I was all business all the time. Super Nurse. "Sorry, no time for a personal life, I have lives to save!"
When I least expected it, Cupid hit me on the head with a huge brick. I met my husband Rick. Grounded, centered, solid, my night in shining armor. He's tattoo'd, rides a Harley, has had the same job for 29 years, cries at sad movies, gets angry when women, children and animals are abused.
In 2003, I was assaulted by a patient. He was in my post-surgical unit having had a knee replacement operation 3 days prior. I'm tall (5'11") and often use my height with difficult patients to "convince" them to behave. This particular patient was an ex-semi professional football player. From what I was able to gather after the assault, he had a long history of steroid and narcotic pain medication use/abuse - hence his psychotic behavior.
He attacked myself and another nurse in the bathroom, claiming he needed help walking. Once inside the small confines he began to beat on us, attacking one then the other. He was taller than me, thrice as wide and had fists like huge hams. There was a point when he had me by the shoulders banging me repeatedly against the wall telling me exactly how he was going to kill me; he was going to knock me unconscious then once on the floor he was going to bash my skull against the toilet until I was bone and brain matter. Thanks for the heads up asshole!! The other nurse and I took turns yelling at him to get his attention while the other could recover her stance. Eventually he began to tire and become unsteady on his feet. With what I can only define as ESP between the other nurse and I, we looked at eachother and knew what we had to do. We both flung ourselves at him pushing him off his feet as he fell backwards over the toilet. We then dashed out of the bathroom and closed the door behind us. We worked night shift, staff is limited, visitors have all gone home, there was really no one around to hear us or help us until it was all over and we could get to the telephone.

That was the night I reported for duty not knowing it would be the last time I would ever be a nurse again. My husband got that dreadful call, "Please come pick up your wife in the ER" "She's not working emergency tonight" he replied. "No Sir, she's here as a patient." Poor man, he still feels guilty for not being able to protect me. We've talked about survivor guilt, and how realistic it would be for him to follow me everywhere keeping the "bad" away.

I have bulging discs at C4-7, I have an L5/S1 injury and tears in the Cauda Equina portion of the base of my spine. I also have PTSD. This assault, out of all the others in my life seemed to be the straw that broke the camels' back. My balance is poor, I fall often, I take meds for chronic pain, meds for depression (which my Psychiartist feels is actually Dysthymia or "life long depression") and meds for anxiety and insomnia. I hate my meds, but I hate not having them worse. This last October I fell and sustained a head injury. My neurologist (let's add another specialist to my health care team...) says that people who have sustained numerous concussions over their lifetime are more suseptible to head injuries. Yep that's me, old "hard headed Boo."
So after 3 days of Cognitive Testing... I can add verbal and judgement cognitive impairment accompanied by debilitating migraines (I lose the ability to speak or move) to my lovely resume' :rofl:

So that's me... I don't know much for sure except that I have a husband who loves me very much, a Service Dog who will help me beyond belief in the areas of mobility, fall recovery, and Medical alert- he gives me about a 30 minute warning prior to a migraine.
I know I fight with anxiety and depression, but at least I fight. I still get angry, sometimes in inappropriate ways (see loving husband above)
I also know that no one is keeping score. I haven't paid my dues; there is no magic number of times to be assaulted and then you're safe the rest of your life. It could happen today when I take Raven my Service Dog to the vet. It could happen this evening as I lay in bed asleep (is that someone trying to pry open my window?) So I try not to get scared, there really is no place safe. I also know for sure that I've fought and won many times and am prepared to fight to the death any time in the future.

Somewhere among all the terror, days spent in my house, etc. the morning sun lights up the mountains in a pink glow, flowers in my garden explode in color, and the morning coffee never tasted so good.

Wow Boo,
And to think you were there to help/assist the damn guy...
it's just so... so... damn frusterating!!!

I have a friend in Sarajevo and we often talk about PTSD issues together. She couldn't believe that anything like that could happen to a nurse of all people in America! Her perception of life in America was a real eye opener for me; how wonderful that she thinks it's safe and peaceful. But I suppose many places seem like that if you've lived through the Bosnian War.

Its funny you say that Boo, about the safe places, as I was just having a conversation the other night about how I don't ever want to come to America, because its nothing but hell and chaos continuously. Sure, if you live their, it is normal life, but when you live somewhere like Australia, what goes on in the US each day is not normal, not human and not society IMHO. I was saying that Australia had a murder rate around 250 last year, total, from approximately 26 million people in the country. One city in the USA has that in a day, let alone the rest of the crimes. I am not saying Australia is perfect, far from it, but after seeing the statistics, who in the hell would want to go to America to live? Oh... maybe someone who has survived a Bosnian war I suppose... hell, Iraq would be safer than that.

I posted statistics here somewhere, a bit funny really, in that there are more deaths in Washington DC per day than there are in Iraq per day... Iraq being a war zone, so what does that make the USA's capital?

Anyway... onto you Boo. From what you wrote above, nothing really surprises me anymore, and by what you wrote, you are sounding very confident and level headed about your illnesses. What didn't shine through though for me, is how are you really handling your PTSD and depression symptoms? I know your a nurse, but everything goes out the window with PTSD, as it takes over, and I have personally seen psychiatrists go down from PTSD, and they are supposed to be the strong one's in all this.

So, how are you really coping with PTSD itself at present? Are your symptoms leading you; more than you leading them?

Wow Anthony! Powerful questions... I really don't have an answer. Nor do I have the tools to get those answers. Any suggestions? I'm a much better caregiver than patient haha!
~Boo

Ok, lets look at it this way. You said in another thread that your still having nightmares. What are the nightmares your having? What makes them up? Are the nightmares based on your last trauma or are they from your sexual assault as a child?

When you have a nightmare, are you waking up with a panic attack? Besides just the dreams, are you having flashbacks of your incident/s when awake?

This part particularly interested me, and I am wondering whether you included that because you haven't spoken about it and need too? I can imagine as you are a female, what this means, being sexual occurences in exchange for money maybe, to feed and allow you to the basic requirements to live. Yes no? This alone would be sheer trauma, let alone your earlier childhood and your adulthood assault.

Boo, I could write an essay on the questions I have surrounding your initial trauma writing, but I think finding the above should help to find the root of all issues and atleast steer within the right direction to help get all this from you, because when you fear your dreams, your mind is telling you that you fear your past at some point, being your traumatic experiences.

Oh... and your not a patient here Boo... your a person, a person who is a part of this community, a community that wants to help you, support you and just be here for you. Nothing more, nothing less.

LOL! What I meant by not being a good patient is that I'm better at helping others than helping myself :)

Nightmares:I'm always being chased by mostly annonymous male figures. Occasionally there will be a woman in the dream who starts out as a friend then takes off her mask and takes sides with the bad guys. (trust issues)
They also always take place in a house; not always the same house. But I'm fascinated by dream analysis and have since learned that the house is a symbol for myself. I never get caught, but it is terrifying.
Sometimes I wake up in a panic and out of breath. Othertimes I'm able to climb up out of the dream state and wake myself up; then I just stay up to avoid a continuation of the dream. So yes, I am afraid of my dreams.

I don't have flashbacks of the assault when I'm awake, I don't allow it to come. I'm a real control freak so I control everything I can (or think I can)

And yes, as a young girl food and shelter often meant having sex with strangers. For years I punished myself for that and only in the last few years have I begun to understand that was just a continuation of child abuse. Over the last 10 years of our marriage I have told my husband most of this. He hates to hear it though and ends up being over protective of me as if he could be my Superman and protect me from harm.

Don't worry, I knew what you were saying, I think it was more than reaffirming male aspect coming out of me... pretty much what your husband does... the protective male traits.

Interesting... Just throwing things out there... Do you think that being chased by anonymous males is more a reframing off being alone with any strange male? ie. you don't feel safe any longer for what occured with your assault! Or do you think it relates back to your sexual abuse, and running away so your father couldn't catch you? Or do you think the anonymous males is more a combination of both??? Or do you think the anonymous males is more to do with your 14 = 16 year old period?

Is the woman that is occassionally within the dreams, also a reframing of your mother maybe, in that she knew, but couldn't help, thus your mind perceives her being part of the darkness at times opposed to the safety a parent is usually viewed? Is there a remorse that your mother was your security, though also couldn't protect you from the abuse, thus your contemplating where she fits within the dream?

Why is the house a symbol for yourself? Could you please explain that too me, as I truly don't understand that aspect, and am pretty curious to know and learn as much as possible myself.

I am wondering, is it possible that when you where sexually active to live during your time away from home, did this take place more often in houses, ie. a different house each time? Is there really an aspect I guess of truth to your nightmare, opposed to just symbolism!

I guess I am a bit like yourself, in that I love to analyze things, and see what comes from them.

The above in no way is any suggestions, more just throwing ideas around to see if anything does relate, or anything you have not possibly thought yourself already. I guess I am more throwing things around as I often view more heads are better than one... the more ideas that get tossed about, you never know when one hits something on the head, or a part of something has merit... or then all of it could have no merit to how you perceive any of your dream state.

Absolutely. Your actions are not to be blamed or self analyzed IMHO, but more you did what you had to do in order to survive, because of the abuse you initially endured from your father. Its really good to hear someone giving themselves the truth of the matter for what it was, and not still beating themselves up for having to survive, and do what was necessary at the time to achieve that. Look at you now for your actions Boo... you have a loving husband and made a good career for yourself, all against the odds because of your previous abuse. Nobody can say what you did was wrong, because the other choices were a lot more negative IMHO. It is a real shame that this person did what he did too you in the hospital. You try and help him, he beats you. Who could figure that one out!!!

I appreciate the protective male nature, I really do! I think no matter how much a woman may see herself as "liberated & independent" we all still want to believe in that knight in shining armour!

Definitely the strange anonymous male is every man who has ever physically or sexually abused me. The patient in the hospital was really no worse than other experiences I've had, perhaps just the one to kick off PTSD because I got cheated out of a career I love, my husband and I were planning our retirement, now everything is changed and that sucks!

According to several dream analysis books and workshops I've been to, the house symbolizes the self. The reason my houses have been in various forms were just a representation of how I viewed myself at the time. For instance before I began taking antidepressants I was usually being chased in an old dilapidated house with missing boards, no paint (ugly and undesirable) There was a time when the house was a tidy farm house with a wrap around porch in the middle of a cornfield - among the corn were thousands of snakes. (I was feeling stranded and alone). Another period the house I was being chased in was at the end of a cul de sac with the backyard opening up to the beach. (suicidal time, the only way to escape my chasers was to run into the ocean and drown)

I'm glad to find someone else that enjoys analyzing things, I love hearing other peoples' perspectives on things. I always learn something new!
~Boo

WOW... that sounds pretty sensible. Thanks for sharing that with me Boo... as I really didn't understand that facet of thinking in regards to dreams. I do love to learn... I guess I'm a bit like a sponge, where I absorb as much as possible, sort it into what is and isn't important, then downgrade it to a more commonsense style of thinking for myself... being a very practical and commonsense approach person that I am.

I definately know what your saying about the catalyst, as my last deployment was the one that just threw me over the edge and exposed all my symptoms again, though this time they wouldn't suppress with alcohol and smoking... so I had to learn over the past years because of that damn catalyst.

Boo... do you ever get angry because of what this person did when they assaulted you in regards to ending your career? I understand the obvious factors with your injuries, but I mean a more mental anguish / anger, as you eluded, you had a plan for your career, marriage and retirement, then it all got left fielded because of this stupid persons desire to inflict punishment upon you...

I will say one thing boo... you are very tight about releasing your emotions in regard to your past... but that will come I think... I suspect it is a bit of a trust issue still, being new to the board and feeling your way around me and others first, and possibly you are a bit fearful of bringing up the unknown emotions and the impact that is going to have upon you... being the control freak you said you where!!! Being that I have PTSD myself, I understand all these issues.