Most of you know he saga I am living currently. I have finally hit the wall. Mother has left 1 message on my daughters phone and I have left 2.

All of you guys said the ball was in my court and I should make the next move. Well, I have to no avail. She has not and apparently is not going to call.

I have a box all packed and ready to send to her with the doll I got her, mom is giving her "my" sterling silver baby spoon and fork and included are baby pictures of her and the clothes she is wearing in the pictures.

I wish she had never called me! At least I knew I would not hear from her. This asking to be called and then not getting a call back hurts a hell of a lot worse that just simply knowing nothing and never expecting to hear.

It has been years since I have hurt like this. This pain goes into the core of my being. What she is doing to me is so cruel. Words can not begin to describe this pain. I am just very glad I am not alone. At least mom is here to keep me grounded, and I know I am safe.

I keep looking at the box of love I've packed up and I just don't know what to do with it. If I send it I'll never know if she even cared to have it. But if I don't send it she will loose the joy, I guess, of sharing it with the baby and her hubby!

Oh God, this pain is the worst I ever felt Why did she ever call in the first place, I was so elated and proud only to be slapped down to the ground again.

While I appreciate the name change that Anthony let me make, maybe it wasn't such a good idea!

Guess Herc is not having a very good evening

Oh Herc....My heart broke reading your thread. I am crying too. Crying because I know the pain so well. I am sorry that things aren't any better. I had hoped that she was just busy. I was wrong and I am sorry for offer you false hope.

Hon.....If it were me. I would send the package. I would send it with love and hope. I am so sorry....

Herc... I will say a prayer for things to work out, I hope that my parayer for you will be answered.

Hugs.......

I want to try to give a different take on this. I have had a migraine messing with me for damn near 5 days I am medicating off and on so sorry if this does not come out right (I am exhausted now).

OK, it has been years since contact and she made it first. I also know why. At least I am willing to leap with an assumption. She had a baby. She has now learned one thing you can only ever know through experience, a mother's love. She was able to set things aside to understand a little better. She now has an idea of your emotions towards her.

Will she still have issues and a past to work through with you? Of course. And she is also so busy with a new baby. Maybe she has a case of PPD working? Just a mild case with a wee one is going to leave her too wiped out to even bathe properly much less return calls. Hell, I doubt you need PPD for that!

I know you want to be part of her life. Allow it. She would have never called if she was totally against it. Be a good gram and send the package with love. And let her initiate contact again. Don't pressure and assume she wants no contact. She needs to go slow obviously. She is not showing she wants nothing to do with you, she is showing she is a busy new mother (and babies come before mom any day) who needs to take it slow.

She may also want to just start fresh. She may be able to forget the past and start anew. Not a mother daughter thing... She is now the mom and you are grams... Just spoil that baby and try not to look behind you if that is what she wants. Many non PTSDers do this. She may not be like you.

I just want to say just let it happen on her terms slowly. Even with PTSD and my mom I cringe anytime the past is brought up even if it is an apology.

Okay. I just have to address this.

Herc, you are being extremely selfish on this. The only thing you are seeing is you. She's done this to me. How cruel she is being to me. She's not calling me back on my time frame.

I do not see you taking any responsibility in this situation, nor even the slightest attempt to try your daughter's shoes on for size.

I have never raised my eldest son. Although it was not choice, the past is what it is. I have a son that I was not responsible for. I know this. I have told him this. I have apologized. I take responsibility for the damage this has caused him, the pain it still gives him, and the rocky relationship we have. If he wants to talk and see me, I do. If he does not for now, for six month, for ever, I respect that. I reach out to him as he wants. We are slowly building a relationship because I don't place my demands, my emotions, or my agenda on him. I don't have that right.

If I were to start up with oh my son is being cruel to me, how can he hurt me like this, how can he call and then not call back; I would not have a relationship with him, at all. It is vital that responsibility, respect and boundaries be carefully adhered to when the parent has broken that relationship. I know this also as a child, since it was done to me by one of my parents. And they didn't take responsibility. Now that parent will not see me or my youngest son, again. There is nothing further to work out.

Many of us here have pasts, and have done some pretty shitty things. We have to take responsibility for those mistakes. I think it's time you take a good look at where your laying the blame and why.

bec

I agree with Veiled, a large part of it is likely being a new mum. My sister-in-law has new twins right now and she has absolutely no time for herself let alone others. I really don't think you should give up on her Herc. Making contact after all those years is a huge step, I know from personal experience. Maybe she has a bit of cold feet? Or needs to go slowly as Veiled said. That would be my suspicion too. Also, even though you've had contact, maybe she still has doubts of her own... maybe she thinks you will abandon her. So she's worried about getting too close. I would send the parcel, it's a nice gesture considering she just had the baby. Plus it will let her know you are thinking of her.

And I agree with Bec's points too, your daughter has her own view of what happened. She was also hurt and it takes time to build a relationship once more.

As hard as some of your comments were to read I still appreciate the input. I can't say that I completely agree with some of what you have said, but I respect your courage to say it.

Our relationship has been horrible for most of my daughters life but she could really do nothing untill she ot older and then she did---she left. we had many discussions prior to her leaving and I took rsponsibility for the crap I put her through. She was so angry that all she could do was continue to throw it in my face until she ran out of insults. She then left my life. Every attempt to reconnect with her ended in disaster and she finally just never came back. We both hold equal responsibility for our current situation while I was the initial cause.

When I said the things like how could she do this to me I only meant this current mess. Our 1 and only conversation was a good one with no insults, no blaming, only I'm sorry tears and I love yous' We were both so glad to be in touch with each other. You could actually HEAR our smiles.

I am just so sad, that's all. I want to see her and hug her and touch her and know she is really back in my life. I can be a little selfish right now. There are some major emotions going on inside me right now. especially after she told me the reason she has not been in touch was because she was ashamed over her life situation and what she had become. It was to hard for her to admit everything to me. It was only when she looked into the eyes of her new daughter that she knew she had to call me. She then realized that no matter what had transpired between the 2 of us over the years that I did love her and want her. She began to realize the true depth of a mothers love.

I think that sometimes kids fail to realize that parents are not perfect. We make mistakes too!

Well, enough of my irational speech! I will climb down off my soap box, get some rest and hope for a better day tomorrow and on Monday go mail the box to her

Sounds like a good plan, Grama Herc. My prayers are with you and yours.

Hodge

I agree with Veiled and Evie and with some of what Bec has said Grama-Herc. I know I am a little late but would still like to share what I think.

The first thing I would like to say is I think you can do yourself a lot of damage trying to "re-numb your heart". By doing such a thing you run the risk of shutting innocent people out of your life as you can't just numb it for one person - you either feel people or you are numb to them!

Secondly, your grand child is innocent to all of the issues between you and your daughter so please try not to punish the baby.

Lastly, I believe if you are to send a gift well then that is exactly what it should be -a gift and not a package with strings attached. Sometimes you just have to put things out there and hope for the best. You have to believe in your actions and find peace that you did what you thought was right and not expect anything back. If you do get something back well that is a bonus!

In all honesty Grama-Herc, i have been in a similar position with my mother and have little contact with her. The more she pushes me the more I pull away, not because I don't love her because I do, but because the pressure is too much. I have to deal with my issues and until I have found peace with things which have happened I will never be able to be close to my mum again. I am not saying this is right nor do I promote people doing it but it is the best I can do until I find someway to interact with my mother that doesn't remind me of the past and make me feel like a child.

I do not know your specific circumstances but what I am trying to say is not everyone deals with everything the same way or resolves issues the same. I would love nothing more than to go and see my mother and have her hug me but she never has so I can't expect her to do that as she grew up in a different world and time to me. While I feel I need that hug is it right for me to expect it from someone who is incapable of doing it, even if I think it is wrong? It is this question I struggle with.

Life is too short.........do your best and be happy by your actions. Live your truth and others will find theirs when they are ready. If they never match you will at least be at peace with yourself.

also, you don't know what your mom said to your daughter in that voice mail. And you don't know how your daughter heard what her grandma said...her tone...her inflection.
You know what I mean? Your mom may tell you what she said, but it may not be the same as what your daughter heard. That may be upsetting her, on top of post partum depression, being busy with her newborn, fear of messing up her new relationship with you, any number of things. You don't know why she is not calling you back, and fear of the unknown is the worst fear because you start to imagine the worst scenarios. For example, with my PTSD, I imagine that other people dislike me and want to hurt me all the time. Since I have been attacked, I keep a crowbar with me. How silly is that?
My point is, don't imagine the worst is going to happen because it probably won't. You don't know what is going on all those miles away, so until you do, the jury is out. Keep hanging on, honey. We are all here for you!

Keeping a crowbar with you is not any sillier than my full size offically police billy club! ! !

You could be very correct. I had forgotten how sensitive my kid is till you mentioned that little matter of how she received the messages. Thanks for that point