I am hoping to post this and then NOT edit it to hell and remove the majority of it - that is my goal....

I am battling sky high panic and fear...fixing to fly for the holidays, will be around abusers, T is on vacation, panic and fear out of control...doing all the "self-care" to not go where I should not go but i am fighting a losing battle...oh, God - i am so very scared...

What type of self care do you do? What is your normal routine to fight off panic?

Warm bath if I can handle it...calm music...counting...rocking...coloring...talking to safe people...trying to distract with tv, etc...petting the dog...meds...safe place visualization...affirmation statements...favorite movie...holding teddy...journaling...low lights...exercise (though can't right now because of lungs)...internet research/forum...I am sure I have left ssome out that I use - but I can't think of any more at the moment

Breathe!! small breaths....slow and paced. this time of year especially is hard what with all the socializing that we are expected to handle. Im just no good at it and tend to try and duck out as much as possible to be quite honest. Having kidz makes it reeeeeeally difficult to just that...heres what i do when forced into situations that i CANNOT avoid: DONT beat yourself up if the anxiety and stress of it all overwhelms you and panic off into the fight or flight thing. Acknowledge the feelings briefly and find a plesant focal point and Just breathe...slow and deep...give yourself time to gather your wits about ya and issue that all important self pep talk. For each negitive FORCE yourself to find at least two positives. hard as hell to do sometimes, but *yes, thank you kind therapist Janice, it works for the most part if you TRAIN yourself as a habit to do just that* and remember to take each day 15 minutes at a time if you have too instead of looking at it as a whole day. baby steps in a big world.....and recognize and congratulate yourself when "Yeahhhhhhh! I made it another 15 mins!!!!" and "Be Good To You" no matter how you handle each individual day. on a footnote, i have no suggestions as to the spiders...myself i suffer from that also, and what can i say...it makes me crazy seeing the flashes off to the sides...crazy isnt the actual right word....IT MAKES ME ANGRY because for the most part i know they arent there and it p***es me off! but what can you do?? Just Breathe! wish you much love today and allways

Okay, so tell us what you would tell therapist. What's going through your mind?
What can you do for yourself when you are there in the company of the abusers and you get triggered? Can we , here, help you now?

I don't know what to tell you - or what I would tell my T...the words are just not there in face of the panic...I am using all the affirming statements, it seems to be the same thing as CBT, I just hadn't heard it described as that. I won't have a chance to be on the forum for the week I am there as the computer is in the living room. I am fighting hard to breathe slow and deep but fighting pneumonia and asthma at the same time so breathing is challenging. Body memories are excruciating, flashbacks are visual in the here and now...I will live through it all - I've lived so far so what's a few more days, huh?

Can you stay home and not go?

Just don't go. The one thing I have learned so far is I have to take care of myself. I have been so busy pleasing everyone I forgot about me. You DO NOT have to go.

I will pray for you. A holy holiday should not be this painful. You are just as important as any of them are.

The problems that would arise from me not going are very costly in many ways...I may wind up in the hospital for my lungs before I leave but if not...it is something i just have to get through some way, some how.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and kind words and thoughts - it helps to know you are here even if I can't get on the forum while I am gone. One day I hope to be able to embrace the true meaning of the season without the terror from PTSD.

I am still fighting through the panic and fear and long for it to let me go just a little bit - I am trying...just doesn't seem good enough...thanks for caring...

Good luck on your trip, Grace. I think the holidays are weird, no matter what.