Holiday Greetings to All Here,

I was dropping through the net and I found this site and so here I am.
I am a 23 year Police Officer, diagnosed with PTSD. I was not a guy that had the best of luck, as I seemed to be always in the action.
After a broken back, two shoulder replacements,closed head injury-with seziures and a neck fusion from a police chase gone bad, I found it difficult to stay focused and then after a shooting, things seemed to just get worse.
On top of all the internal investigations and no psych intervention at anytime, I found myself in a situation that I never thought would be knocking on my front door. I had so many times, had all the right answers for others, but now I am alone in a room wondering what were all these feelings I did not understand and why were sitting on my door step ?
I had no defined answers.
The times of deep depression, there were many times of thoughts that were so many, I did not have any answers. I many times just could not concentrate to the point it started affecting my common sense factors. Not in a criminal way but in decision making situation.
After the investigations in which I was cleared, I found myself questioning everything I did to the point, I knew someone or perhaps myself would be injured or killed due to the time it took me to make a critical decision.
Well in short I went off on disability. Workers Compensation
denied me immediately and I was not compensated for 5 years. Two bankruptcies later and I lost everything I owned, going on public assistance the pride I had, was gone.
I was also elected to political office, for three terms, now I stand in a welfare line. I was given a food card for groceries standing in a grocery line, trying to hide who I was.
Those same departments I use to vote to fund out of our budget, I now stood in their lengthy line in a small town.
People were great to me, but I was humbled and had no pride left. I had to get food from a church and the government helped pay my utilities. There was no pride left.
I attempted suicide, had everything set then after a stay in the hospital and profesional help, I once again stand tall with my head high.
However with me, the PTSD never totally leaves and so I learned to cope. PTSD can only be described as hell with a twist, mixed with deep depression.
I guess, what I am saying is, that like many others I consider myself a survivor, no different than someone that was a cancer survivor.
One always wonders if the PTSD will come back with force as one does with other diseases ie alcoholism, cancer.
What might be a situation that would put you in a relapse? I found that there were many more questions than answers.
I can only use the old saying "everyone is their own person and everyone is unique in their own right."
I am a survivor and I believe you can be also.
This is not something to deal with on your own, believe me I tried and once I better understood the condition, I was better able to adjust my thought process.
I bid everyone a Great Holiday.

HI Micop,

Welcome to the forum......I hope that you too have great holiday's.

Welcome to the forum.

bec

You have survived a lot of stress and changes, Micop. You have reason to be very proud. Surviving all you have is an accomplishment of strength and endurance.

Hi Micop--

You've had a rough time, and I'm particularly sorry you went through all the trouble you did to find care and treatment. If it helps, I'll share a quote with you from BusinessWeek: “In some ways, a cop's work may be even more traumatic than that of a soldier sent into a war zone. The police officer's job, over many years, exposes and reexposes them to traumatic events that would make anybody recoil in horror.”

I'm glad you've survived, as have I. I was forced out of the the highway patrol after 24 years with a sucidal PTSD and depression. I've been hospitalized twice, and almost a third time this year. There are a lot of cops out there, but many of them are just suffering silently along, not even knowing the depths of their wounds. We're the lucky ones.

Keep a relapse plan at hand--when things get dark, what steps will you take to ensure your safety and get treatment? These are contracts I have with my therapist. That said, keep someone close by in the profession to whom you can turn. From the sounds of some of the dark periods you suffer, therapy might not be a bad idea.

And remember that "We" are many--all those who suffer from PTSD here from a variety of trauma sources, and cops and public safety workers like you. I'm so grateful that PTSD is now understood far better today than it was back in '93 when I took my fall. And take advantage of great forums like these. They help keep us mindful.

Andy O'Hara

Hi Micop, welcome to the forum.