Ashamed?! What are you talking about?!

I'm in the U.S. Am now living on a campus with a generation that stuns me with its indifference. This has always been a blame the victim culture. Not everyone is like that, of course, but I think it is a fair portrait of this society as a whole. Also, people are rushed around all the time and work many hours, if not many jobs.

I'm glad you've always been taken seriously. Hope your counselor works out and counseling is not too hard. In my early experiences with counseling, I had the problem that it would open me up and make my cry, but wouldn't tell me how to make it stop so I could function and not make my situation worse by being overwhelmed with emotion and making more problems I couldn't deal with. One counselor taught me a neat trick when I was so sunk into the feelings that I could hardly see straight---spell words backwards until you feel like you are HERE. Colors look brighter again and the senses come back to the present.

Be kind to yourself.

>I'm in the U.S. Am now living on a campus with a generation that stuns me with its indifference. This has always been a blame the victim culture.

victim culture? what do you mean?
i do not perceive my friends / colleagues that superficial... maybe the culture is different in that point - and this could be a reason why we have so little psycholgists here... and why it is so hard to find a good one... while TV "tells" us, that in the us, almost everyone has a psychologist and half the people take medication...

> Also, people are rushed around all the time and work many hours, if not many jobs.

this is the same here... yesterday i joked with a friend: maybe it would solve most of our problems if they put antidepressiva in our drinking water. :-D

> I had the problem that it would open me up and make my cry, but wouldn't tell me how to make it stop so I could function and not make my situation worse by being overwhelmed with emotion and making more problems I couldn't deal with.

hm... i've never cried in front of a counselor in all my life. my problem is rather that i do not really "identify" with the things that happended to me: i always could tell anyone, i spoke like all the story did not concern me at all, as if i was telling a story i read in a book or something... there are many parts of the story i do not remember at all... and the little pieces i do remember: i do not seem to have any emotional contact to these pieces. you know what i mean more or less?

thanks for the trick! :-) i will try. my trick is to "watch" the flashbacks backwards or in fast-forward-mode, until i feel like i got back control over myself. this flashback-problem was really bad once. now i rather have an anger problem. on sunday i freaked out just because of a movie. i had to leave the room and was like a machine out of order... i guess it is quite hard for my husband... sometimes it only needs little every-day-things that stress me sooo much...

okay - i have to prepare lunch for my daughter... regards from the other side of the world...

s.

I mean the tendency is to blame the victim.

If you don't have a lot of money or good insurance, it's hard to get talk therapy in the U.S. You get twenty minutes and talk medicine.

I did go through a long period like you described until I was about thirty. I had to learn how to cry again. I was so numb that I could bang into a table with my shin, get a big lump and a bruise, and not feel anything. People would ask, "Didn't that hurt?!" And I'd say, "I guess it must have, that's a pretty big lump." Didn't really feel anything from the neck down---not even hunger. Felt the migraines though.

Sometimes I think I want to be numb again, so I can work all the time. But I really don't. Numbness (or not identifying---we may not be talking about the same thing) does, however, protect us sometimes, until we are ready and have a safe place to identify with the pain. I did have feelings during the flashbacks and night terrors for thirteen years, but I'd often shake them off, forget about them, then get a migraine. I couldn't talk to anyone about it because it was classified, and half that time PTSD wasn't a diagnosis yet. I didn't have insurance, either.

Only a movie set off a series of flashbacks for me that lasted from December of 1990, got worse during Gulf War I, and then finally stopped in the winter of 1991. Haven't had any night terrors or flashbacks since then. Sometimes I'm afraid they'll come back. One movie was a last straw that sent me into such a state that I turned myself into a mental ward. Images and themes in movies can be very powerful. Don't think it's silly to be disturbed by them. Some themes should be avoided completely.

The anger problem does seem to go on, and there is plenty in the world to get angry about. But I have mostly felt grief lately, and "being like a machine out of order". The brain does not always work. It's natural to be frustrated with every-day-things when you're being haunted by ghastly images of exceptional things, and you're angry. I get overwhelmed processing the mail. It's frustrating, yes? It feels silly to be fighting with dishes or the laundry, but it does make sense.

If it's hard on your husband, maybe it's because he knows what you've suffered? And he loves you? Did you read the information on PTSD on this website? There is an excellent explanation of why we get stressed so often by little things. I'm having a hard time explaining that to my boyfriend, because I am so distant and withdrawn right now.

Take care.

The world won't stop so we can pull ourselves together. What an obstacle course.

Salome, I have been reading posts saying that it is inappropriate to respond to someone's post with your own stories. So, I am wondering if you feel like I am making your story about me, and not listening to you? I think of it as relating. Maybe I'm wrong. Does what I said make you feel like I am dumping my trauma onto you?

Honesty---even bluntness---won't hurt me, so please feel free to answer directly.

hi tina,

>I have been reading posts saying that it is inappropriate to respond to someone's post with your own stories.

hä? i've never heared such a thing, and i do not feel like this (unless i cannot see ANY connection to my story, but this never happened to me).

>So, I am wondering if you feel like I am making your story about me, and not listening to you?

NOOOO! it makes me a bit less lonely to see that other people have similar problems...

> Does what I said make you feel like I am dumping my trauma onto you?

NO!

over here it is difficult, too, to get the therapy payed by the insurance. my case was that bad that i did for most of my treatment, because i was classified "highly suicidal" (do you say it like this, i am not familiar with medical expressions in english at all...). i have to pay the therapy on my own if i start again.

what you say about pain was the same with me for a long time: i once put my hand on a toaster on purpose to see if i would feel it and DID NOT FEEL anything! later they explained to me that it was kind of neurotic reaction to my second trauma and that this would take time to normalize. today i would say that it is normal again more or less.

yesterday i was so sad - because i sometimes get angry with my daughter so quickly... i know that i am a really good mother and everything, and i know that kids CAN be annoying... and any other person would get annoyed sometimes without having ptsd (so my husband does ;) )... if she has a bad day - and i have a bad day, this is a very bad combination! luckily it is a very unfrequent combination...
it is not that i cannot control my anger... it's just that i feel so empty in the evening, like i've gone far beyond my limits...
a year ago i did not HAVE this anger - the only anger i had was anger against ME... so i guess my therapist would say that this is a huge progress not to take all on me...

i haven't read ALL the information here on this website, but i guess you mean an article by anthony, the one with the cup? i spoke about this to my husband - it was a good conversation, took us a few hours... he treats me with so much respect... he always tries to understand and help. i am really lucky to have him...

thank you for listening!!!!!!!!!

salome

Love listening to you, Salome. It's heartening to hear you and your husband had that conversation. That was the article I was thinking about. Now I need to have the same conversation with my boyfriend. I'm not angry, but withdrawn and distant.

Passed the toaster test? OUCH ANYWAY!!! That told you something, for sure.

It's good that you can see that conflict is normal. It's still hard to sort out, but at least we aren't so angry with ourselves---blaming everything on our pain---when other people can be irritating and maddening, too. Kids are resilient---if she knows you are suffering and understands not to take it personally it probably won't hurt her anymore than normal parent/child problems. A little "repair"---pleasant time together---can make it better. I've been a nanny for a couple of disturbed children and chilling out together---singing songs, playing a game, whatever---can do miracles.

The medical terms in English are arguable, and they change all the time. "Highly Suicidal" says it all. I don't know how they classify it here.

So is January 8 too far away now, or too close? Can't stand suspense myself.

Welcome to the forum Salome....

hi tina,

my husband is a miracle to me... i sometimes think that he is more nuts than me as he has not left me in the past 3 years... he keeps telling me that he still loves me and that to him i do not seem to be a different person than before. to me it seemes like this: the old salome died, the new salome is a person i don't like. it is sometimes very hard to cope with that new person... but i guess all this is getting better: from time to time i do not have this old-and-new-feeling anymore. my husband keeps telling me that i consist of so many things, while to me it sometimes seems as if i only consist of flashbacks, anger, nightmares, insomnia... as if he was living with a person who is overstrained with every-day-things...

i do not think that my husband needs such information about cups and stuff... but i think he enjoys it very much when i tell him that I UNDERSTAND myself (instead of seeing all the anger with myself)... he doesn't seem to need any information - he takes me as i am - and has the ability to accept me as i am AND love me as i am... (even in times when i cannot accept/love me as i am) this is a great gift...

i had times when i could not involve my husband... guess that he perceived me as withdrawn at that time, too. i had nights when his presence was so threatening to me that i had to sleep in the guestroom... hard times...

i think my daughter is a bit "difficult" these days... my husband got very angry with her yesterday evening, too - you tell her thins 5 times and she ignores you... yelling around all day: "wana see my friend lena!" ...
and i was at a friends house, it was helpful to see that other ("normal") people have the same ("normal"? ) problems with their kids and are stessed out with them just like me sometimes...
the good thing is: this is only a phase... and within a week everything will be as harmonious as usual...

>if she knows you are suffering and understands not to take it personally it probably won't hurt her anymore than normal parent/child problems.

hm... i am not sure if a 3-year-old can take things not personally... don't know...

>A little "repair"---pleasant time together---can make it better.

yes, this is true... we play a lot, paint pictures, go to the zoo about once a week, sing songs (i play the guitar) - we do not have a tv set, so we play a lot, read books, tell stories...

>So is January 8 too far away now, or too close?

i don't know... i guess i am quite busy right now: christmas, seeing relatives (my mum too ), starting my first job since i have ptsd on dec 27th...

thank you for reading...

salome

We're all so much more than we think we are, Salome. I'm glad you have a loving, supportive husband. And a three year old! Of course you're frustrated. That's a three year old's job.

Enjoy the holidays.