:-(

yesterday we went to a traditional little festival to a mountain hut. after the festival in the hut i met a doctor linked to my trauma. i mean he did not do anything!! he is a very nice, sympathetic, reasonable person! his only fault is to chose the "wrong" profession of an gynaecologist or to be in the "wrong" place at that time...

the weird thing is that i passed by him without recognizing him, even though he turned towards me and wanted to speak to me. my husband who saw the szene from a distance, asked me what was wrong with me not to say hallo to him. --- i don't know how this could happen... i was so sorry, because it must seem like i do not want to speak to him...

so i went back, said hello to him, his wife and his daughter... when he asked: "how are you" i did not know what to say... i don't like having the choice between good manners or lying... i do not know how i managed to talk to him... i hardly could look him into the face... SO IMPOLITE!!!

i honestly believe that he is a good person, i have no idea why meeting him puts me in such a bad humour.

horrible.

i have so much to do until christmas.

tonight i have to attend a party.

the only thing i want to do is lie down in bed and die... it takes so little to make me want to die... it's a shame...

It's not the little things---it's the big things that don't leave much room for anything else. It's normal for anyone with severe PTSD to have inexplicable episodes like this. It may explain itself in time, but for right now, you feeling better than wanting to die is a lot more important than an awkward social situation, Salome!

You're being too hard on yourself. It IS a shame that things that are mundane, clumsy, and imperfect can put you over the edge---but the SHAME isn't YOU. The shame belongs to someone else, doesn't it? If you can direct your anger at the bad guy---even if that means making a paper image of the bad guy and putting all your anger there---ANYTHING!!!---turn it away from you and people who don't harm others grievously. The anger should be directed at people who hurt you, not at yourself for being hurt.

You're human and humane. You deserve to feel better than this. In time, you will. It may hurt a lot worse before that, but practice putting the anger where it belongs. You've been hurt enough. Don't hurt yourself.

your story about seeing the professional in a social situation reminded me of me taking my dog for a ride to town.
All afternoon I had been edgy for no reason, and when I returned home, the dog was relentless and excited to get out . I got so impatient I pushed him out the door when we parked.
I realized immediately what I had done and it just brought me to tears. How could I do this? He was not hurt, but it is just so sad to see this take over in an instant.
Thank you for listening...

ps...I vote for the therapy, if you are taking a poll :)

hello again,

@tina: why is it such a good feeling to hurt oneself???

@two_isles: luckily the dog didn't get hurt... you have got a dog? i've got one, too. what kind of dog is it? (by the way: what does the logo-dog of the forum mean? and the slogan: t-hell with the dog - beware of owner??)

i wish you a wonderful new year... all the best...
salome

I would be lost without therapy. It also eases the strain on my husband, who gets a break from hearing it when I share things with my therapist

hello,

hm... i had a time, too, when therapy was necessary to disburden my husband... but there was the point, when i felt that i spoke about ALL my problems with my therapist only - i kind of excluded my husband from my life, even from things with no direct connection to my trauma. this was one of the points to take a break from therapy... i wanted to share my life with my husband... i did not want uns to drift apart... it is quite difficult to find the "golden way" between overstraining the partner and excluding him...

i don't know... we have our date in about a week - then we will know how to go on... :-)

happy new year!!!
s.

the new therapist is still ill and cancelled our date again. so i have no more energy to wait. we will care about a new therapy later in my life.

i started my first job since my diagnosis. the first job for about 3 years... i like it. i have a nice boss. :-)

Hi Salome
Nice to meet you. I just thought i would let you know that i really identified with this post and wanted to offer a friendly hand of support to you. I also died during my trauma and somehow made it back. If you ever want to talk about it then u know where to find me. Thinking of you.

Hi,

thank you for your reply. :-) Whenever I think of that (my almost-dying experience) i immediately wish to die. :-( I do not know why I feel like this - my life is really good, I live in a more than good partnership, I have a cute daughter, I started to work again... I feel happy for most of the time - and then I think of this almost-die-moment and I could start crying: "Why wouldn't they let me die..."
Why???

Regards,
S.

hiya salome
Thats how i feel too. Just wish i had gone and not come back. I wont post about this again though because u dont deserve to feel like this. But when you're feeling so badly about it please do contact me and i will be there to support you. @}--'--,----

I am a teacher of Languages by the way - German and Spanish mainly. Your english is outstanding. Must have taken a lot of hard work. :-)