Thank you for your responses. It helps to know I'm not alone. I think somewhere along the way I forgot what's been going on and how much those stressors really affect me (and how long they affect me). This by no means undermines the role of PTSD in my life, not am I able to say "Next semester will be different." However, I've been reading more about PTSD (I think I needed a refresher course - just not one that was graded, lol) and it seems to help me identify the difference between me and the PTSD.

I'm still trying to figure out who I am, and realizing what a task that is. It's baby steps. Next semester I can take one less class and I'm seriously considering it. I have a couple appointments that may gauge my ability to handle my workload and some thinking to do, but I'm going to figure it out before I've gone and thrown myself into a sinking hole again.

I did something yesterday that I hope turns out to be quite helpful in my healing. I contacted my local Aboriginal Healing and Wellness Centre and have set up an Intake meeting and have a worker lined up. It looks promising and I'm hoping that integrating my culture into my healing will help. If anything, that is a way of strengthening a sense of identity for myself. I have my intake this afternoon and I was told I wouldn't have to disclose a lot, just tell them what I was looking for. I'm glad to get the ball rolling, finally. I've been putting this off for years. Side note, maybe I'll find someone there I can practice my Cree with. I'm excited, but nervous - underlying this all right now I think is a sense of hope.

I saw my GP the other day and discussed what has been going on in my mental state lately. He told me not to discount the medications decreases (and subsequent increases) that had caused an increase in migraines (daily hell), and to not discount how much chronic pain affects me. So, this disassociation problem I'm having - well it's a big giant ball of yarn all tangled up - and though I have nimble fingers, my patience is wearing thin.

Last night was semi-productive. I wasn't able to work on the paper itself, but I did research a fair bit and that made me feel like I was doing something. It helped. Today I'm going to try to give my professor a call and let him know how I'm doing (he's a good guy who knows what's going on) and hopefully be able to borrow some books I can't get access to.

I think I'm finding that every time I get to a point where I question whether or not I can do this (by this I mean academia related activities) and say I can't, I have a day or two where I feel completely void and hopeless, but the strength rises again. Maybe it's not about how many times we fall down, but how many times we get back up?

reallydown, I'm close to being in your situation, I can reduce my courseload to two credits a term (40% of a full courseload) and still be eligible for government financial aid, but that's because my file says I'm disabled. I'm taking 60% now and have thought about reducing it further.

Lisa, everyone whose commented - thank you. You've given me food for thought and the feeling of not being alone in dealing with the ever so challenging balancing act.

Okay, for whatever reason today, I feel the desire to look at journals I wrote when my primary abuse was occurring. I don't know that it's the smartest thing, given that I'm trying to write a twenty page paper in the next few days and prepare for an exam as well but my mind wants to go there. *sigh*

Could go either way, metis-siren. Are you enrolled in disability services at school that give you a little grace with dead-lines?

Somehow I doubt that a desire to read journals chronicling your abuse is a procrastination issue. Hope it clears some stuff out for you so you can do well on your paper and test.

I'm going to try to set aside special times for PTSD this term, honor them, and hope I can keep it in the box when I have other things to do. Have been able to do that when I'm mildy affected, but never tried it with the big episodes.

Keep us updated with any helpful hints you pick up along these lines. School and PTSD interfering is like wrestling with two giant octopuses that are fighting each other at the same time.

*mini rant* I'm just heading off to bed now but today turned out to be one of those days. I got stood up at my intake appointment, I waited for 40 minutes and she never showed up. *sigh* Then I went home to find that my super's went in my apartment because of a "noise complaint about the dog barking" and left me a note to come down to the rental office. I doubt highly he was barking that much, the rental office and supers haven't been happy with me since I called the City on them earlier this week as they're not up to code with minimum temperatures for heat (they still aren't). So I'm expecting some sort of eviction notice or other reprimand, as the yelling I got when they found out I called the city wasn't enough. *sigh* Then to top it off - boyfriend decided to need to talk about his insecurities and all the problems in his life for two hours. I'm just tired. So much for a holiday for me - it may have been the shortest day of the year in light, but it felt like one very long day.

Condolences for the very bad day, metis-siren. Sounds like a total pisser.

So, I got in touch with my professor about this class and the workload and ongoing problems. Unfortunately he needs the grades now, at the latest on the 27th of this month. I have one page out of the twenty done, and an exam to write all by then. I'm very stressed out.

Recent stressors have made their mark on my stress levels and my PTSD is responding (and I have a couple more anniversaries coming up in the week *sigh*). I realize this is not do or die for my life, but for my academics right now, if I don't at least get the exam written - I'm screwed. Here's to hoping that alternating baking/cooking and cramming for an exam and then writing a paper over the holidays turns out better than it goes in my head. Honestly, I'd just like to go to bed until this is over (I know it's a flight response to stress), but I'm working on staying present and in the moment.

A. Lauren

Is there some down time you can schedule for a meltdown after the work is done? Post the big date when you can fall apart at your leisure? I couldn't do it myself, last term because it took too long to realize what was going on with me, so I was way too behind to catch up by the time I figured out what time it was. (And trigonometry was a b*tch).

Maybe some physical exercise to get the blood flowing to your brain? Break things down into steps and make a schedule to follow? Post it in big letters and set alarms to keep yourself in touch with what time it is?

Go for passing, then make it better with what time you have left?

If it isn't the best work you've ever done, even if it's the worst work you've ever done, just get it done. This is probably not the best time to be perfectionist.

tina

Thanks, Tina. Needed to hear that. :) My focus isn't good right now, I don't think it helps that I'm supposed to be making 2 three course meals with desserts over the next two days.

I'm trying not to beat myself up for this but I keep feeling like I should have known better, I know I didn't have other options if I wanted to pursue my education in the next year, but something. I should have done something not to end up here. I think I'm gonna have a good cry about overall stress - maybe that will help.

Take care,

A. Lauren

Hi Siren,

I went through a similar situation last week...ish...I had 2 finals (in courses I was behind inso I had a lot of catching up to do) and to write a paper which was due on Dec 7, then 14th and finally (luckily my prof is very understanding) the 17th...that's beacuse I nearly broke down and I got sick to boot...I don't even know how I got through it...I had panic attacks and thought I was goign into cardiac arrest...and now I'm still sick though...it's going to take a while for both body and mind to recuperate...Is there any way for you to defer the paper and hand it in next term? (Sometimes they allow it here...you just have to talk to the prof and an advisor and fill out a form...I've had to do this once) and that way you could try to focus on the exam. I'll also say what Tina has said, try to focus on just getting it done and if you have time do the fixing...but then I know how hard that is when you're a perfectionist...Hang in here Siren...it will get better. Good luck!