I'm trying to see the logic in working myself into a frenzy, putting my anxiety and stress levels through the roof and in all probability, crashing. For an exam? For a paper? It doesn't seem worth it to me. I love school, and I love learning, but this just seems ridiculous. Why would I force my own hand into a situation I knew from the beginning would only end in causing my symptoms of PTSD and my other physical health conditions to flare up? On top of a major anniversary coming up. To me it feels like I'm willingly shooting myself in the foot.

Okay, so I want to work on my disassociation and anxiety. Got that. But how do you work on it when you're willingly putting yourself into situations that exacerbate the symptoms but don't address the underlying cause?

My identity may be completely tied into my education, but the difference between the identity I want and the reality is that I tend to refuse to acknowledge the PTSD factor, if you will. Yes, my education means the world to me, but if I put my education before myself, in terms of health and wellbeing, I'm saying to myself "This is worth the pain and suffering, the anxiety, etc.. that you are going to be in after." That's just not true. This doesn't further my healing, it doesn't make me a better person, it gets me a credit, a credit that in terms of who I am, doesn't define me, doesn't change who I am, it's just a class.

So, I'm going to work on studying, but not hurt myself in the process. I have my first appointment with my new psychiatrist in a few days, and I'd rather not create a significant amount of stress right before I walk into my assessment. I think it's enough that it's the holiday season, that I have an anniversary coming up, etc...

So I'm about 90% sure I'm going to lower my courseload for next semester, attempt to get a deferral, at least for the paper and allocate (with a schedule) time to work on healing. This is my life, and I'd like to live it, not just in a reactionary sort of way. I need to own up to what I bring to the table, but also know when it's PTSD and not just me.

Here's to hoping (academically speaking, some thing are beyond my control if I defer, or attempt to defer).

Thank you.

A. Lauren

Sounds like you got a handle on what you need. Hope the deferral works out for you. It's hard to admit that PTSD is getting the better of you, isn't it? Sometimes it's just hard to tell what it is. How can you tell when your ability to compensate is wearing too thin? You can't tell when you register what shape you'll be in during finals, or exactly how demanding the term is going to be. Is anything going to come out of left field? Will I get physically ill? Will I have problems with money? Life can be stressful without PTSD. With PTSD? We're here aren't we? Having problems that are perfectly NORMAL (which includes sickening and maddening).

I always like to play it safe, so I'm only registering for two classes next term. There are some disadvantages to that, but confidence is confidence---I need a successful term. Ouches in the present still hurt. I see it as a battle. PTSD sometimes beats the crap out of me, but I've won enough to keep long truces and do what I think I should be doing. I try to do as much as I can to set myself up for success, but didn't succeed on this round. That's o.k. (now--- it was very not o.k. for the last two months).

Sometimes, I feel the most free and energized after a particularly bad spell, when I've worked through some issues. It feels like a lead weight I didn't know was there has been removed. Suffering is part of the healing. Anniversaries can be especially hard, but at least we have clues that they're coming, even if we block those clues. I've been trying to think of a ritual to mark my anniversary. Taking November off the calendar isn't an option, so I guess I'll have to be creative.

Choosing between the rock and the hard place is a tough call for anyone, and when we have a condition making us scatterbrained and anxious, it's very difficult to make decisions and gauge the consequences. It's good you're taking care of yourself and getting what you need. Good luck with your new psychiatrist. Everything that makes you want your education and makes you good at it is still in there. Working on your PTSD will be rewarding, in time, even if it just looks like life support now.

I had a hard time reading through all of the posts, but the first one really got my attention. I'm not going to go off as to all of the "whys"

Anyway, I struggled through college without knowing I had PTSD. I was labeled as depressed with borderline schizophrenia. I got through school with my associate degree, and went on to get my bachelors degree. Then my father's murder went to trial and I stopped responding to life.

I decided to start responding to life about 3 years ago and I'm $30,000 in debt from student loans. Now, I can't work. So why did I go to school? So I could say that I have a degree but can't put it to use-No. I'm not sure how to feel about this because even though I can't hold a job, having that accomplishment helps with my self esteem.

The bottom line is this. Are you getting into debt by attending school? If so, will you be able to work until the debt is paid off with all of the ups and downs from your illness? You can't file bankruptcy on student loans because I tried after my car accident.

If your not getting into debt then it's great, keep going. But if your racking up debt please think about your future seriously with PTSD, and even ask a professional if they think you can hold a job long enough to pay back those loans. If they say yes keep in mind that one more trauma is all it takes.

I'm not trying to be a downer, but the government takes these loans seriously and if you can barely hang on now, it would be reasonable to consider that working full time for the rest of your life to pay back these loans would be difficult.

Just some food for thought.
Tammy

Thank you Tammy. I'm on disability now, and right now I can't work. That said, my future ability to work is quite plausible although asking a professional right now might be a little tricky as I'll be doing my intake with my new psychiatrist and not yet built up a working relationship. I will talk to my GP about it, although my guess is that he will only be able to respond in terms of my physical health conditions.

I am getting some bursaries that help the financial burden (and whatever I don't end up using for school related costs go straight to debt repayment and saving to pay off student debt).

May I ask why you are going to school? Is it for the education only, self esteem issues, or in hopes to work in the future?

I'm just curious because even though I can't work I would like to go back to school. I like the intellectual part of it. The problem lies in that I don't like being around large crowds of people. Otherwise my profession would be a student.

Tammy

Hey metis-siren.. how's it going? Well done for setting up the Intake meeting... I think it's brilliant about incorporating your culture into your healing. I think a sense of identity is extremely important, and improving this will only help you feel more able to tackle things, and increase a sense of a 'whole-you'.

Again, you say many things that make me go "that's me!!!"

Quote:

I think somewhere along the way I forgot what's been going on and how much those stressors really affect me (and how long they affect me). This by no means undermines the role of PTSD in my life, not am I able to say "Next semester will be different."

I'm always forgetting how much PTSD affects my ability to study. I don't know if you already tried this, but when I plan my work, I allow myself "PTSD times"... a few hours a day to collapse if I need to, or at least concentrate on me so I know I'm not neglecting myself through studying (only leads me to meltdown in the end). I also allow 'bad days' when planning my time management... it allows me a sense of security for if I hit a bad problem, or need time out for getting myself on track PTSD wise. I nearly always use up my 'bad days', and I'm doing an assignment at the moment, and have run out of my 'bad days' I kept free for myself, so I need to re-jig how I judge myself and how much time I need... I should have realised Christmas would be worse than other deadlines. But anyway... it's just a thought on helping you manage your workload as someone with PTSD. I know it can take me twice, or thrice as long to do an assignment compared to my classmates because of PTSD interfering.

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Last night was semi-productive. I wasn't able to work on the paper itself, but I did research a fair bit and that made me feel like I was doing something. It helped.

Well done... again, it looks like you already do this, but I have recently found an incredibly helpful tip. When the task is too daunting, or I am not in a good space, I do 'mechanical' things... and if I can't do anything mechanical for my assignment, then I'll do it for some other assignment I have coming up. Either way, I know I've not wasted time and have made headway, even if it was only small. I also notice it helps to 'shift' me into the academic mindset. I've just done this myself... the last 2 days I have only managed 'mechanical' tasks on my assignment, but I am noticing that before I've read anything I already have an idea where I'm going with it.

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I think I'm finding that every time I get to a point where I question whether or not I can do this (by this I mean academia related activities) and say I can't, I have a day or two where I feel completely void and hopeless, but the strength rises again. Maybe it's not about how many times we fall down, but how many times we get back up?

That's totally me too. In every assignment I do, I collapse all over it for a couple of days. Then something happens, maybe it's panic I don't know, but I get up and just kick it out of me. I think it is how many times we get up, each time i do that, I feel that I have surprised myself because I thought I couldn't do it. Empowerment is so important in anything in life, and I take it where I find it. I also think it's how you deal with things that's important, and I can tell you are preparing yourself, thinking ahead, and trying to judge what will help you rather than waiting until the 'sinking hole'. Good stuff.

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Okay, for whatever reason today, I feel the desire to look at journals I wrote when my primary abuse was occurring. I don't know that it's the smartest thing, given that I'm trying to write a twenty page paper in the next few days and prepare for an exam as well but my mind wants to go there.

For what it's worth... this happens to me too. I find I get more symptoms, more triggers, and find myself in places I don't really want to go right in the middle of an assignment. Do I think that's a procrastination issue? No... why on earth would you do that to yourself? I actually think it's stress-related. PTSD gets worse in times of high stress... assignments are stressful, moreso when coping with PTSD... which is why it is so hard to do, and why it takes us longer to do it all. And why allowing yourself the time for when you need to go 'okay, PTSD is playing havoc, need time out to sort myself out' is important. When you're stressed, this will happen. So it's important to acknowledge it, prepare for it, and manage it. I think accepting PTSD affects us, and learning to prepare and manage that, then nothing is impossible. Yes, it may take you longer to complete your studies, it may mean taking on less and thus taking a longer course, or it may mean getting accomodations because of the PTSD... but either way, it's all about perparation and management and always taking into account that you DO have PTSD... you can't and won't be able to do things as quick as others without PTSD. No matter how hard you push yoursef, you just can't... this is all part of how PTSD affects how we function. However... if you can prepare for and manage your symptoms, then you can do it, you'll get there.
Just a comment I thought I'd make... this is a good way of thinking. Remind yourself that your assignment is not do or die... as important as it is to you... it's not that drastic. Trust me, I've fallen into the total panic almost as if I thought if I didn't do an assignment on time then everything would be over. No... there's always a way around things, even if it's as drastic as re-taking a subject. But... in the same breath, the reality is, if you don't do that assignment, academically you're in trouble. So for now, concentrate on that... manage your time, manage your symptoms as best as you can, make it your priority to do an assignment without meltdown and everything else can wait. This is my current position too so you are not alone.

Anyway... thought I would drop by to offer my support and helpful tips I use which may help you if you haven't already thought of them....

Lisa.

Just giving an update. Haven't been doing so well, waking up in anxiety attacks with dizziness. I don't really like to avoid things, but the anxiety is so pronounced without anything actively triggering it, that I haven't been able to do much more than make sure I eat something and rest. Today I'm off for my first appointment with my new psychiatrist. I don't even remember what a psych assessment entails - I think I may be able to keep it together for the appointment.

Good luck metis. I hope you feel better soon.

Tammy

Keeping it together for the appointment? Metis, that's like cleaning up before the maid comes, isn't it?

Well, the assessment went well. I think I will like this psychiatrist. He said it's going to take a few sessions to do a full assessment. He said he thought beyond the PTSD, that I might have Major Depression that's predating my PTSD, as well as an anxiety disorder. The depression I can see - that's been the diagnosis since day one, even prior to the PTSD diagnosis.

I'm surprised how wiped that session left me. It's grazing the surface of over a decade of different types of trauma, and going into some significant detail about some parts, and barely mentioning others. I haven't really done much since that appointment, in terms of school, or otherwise. I know I've got an anniversary coming up in the next few days, and I guess I'm bracing myself and trying to rest up. I don't know if you can rest up for an anniversary, but my mind and body just seem to want some down time right now, and I'm trying to honour that instead of push through it as I tend to.

just tina, I probably would at least tidy up before I had a maid over - I know that seems odd, but I guess thats part of where I'm at. I like to be able to present myself in the best way possible, even if it's not spot on to where I'm at. I will tell it like it is, but I'm very reserved about showing emotions to strangers, or dust bunnies to housekeepers.