Thanks guys for all your input it makes a lot of sense and helpful information!
I spoke to my Mum tonight and told her I was getting someone else to help me at work as hubby was letting me down and I was getting to stressed about him not helping me?
I told her I feel guilty that I have done this?
I spoke to hubby tonight and said to him once he is feeling better and can manage to go to work one day a week we wont need the help this was greeted by a shrug of the shoulders and whatever!
Maybe me doing this may open his eyes that I need his help?

I know what you are going to say Anthony that now he will have no reason to get out of bed.
But I have kicked his arse so many times over the last couple of years to no avail!

And thats what my friends are saying how come when I was sick he picked himself up and did so well! Because he had to!!!
Sorry about all the jargon I got carried away!

Well I must say Jen I am very pleased you decided to get some help for the business in spite of him not really wishing it. I remember you wanting to hire someone quite a while back but hesitating, so well done! You should not feel guilty in the slightest! Your needs are just as important as his, and I remember you saying you could afford the help in any event. The world did not come to an end, he seemed to agree with little protest? Well done, I believe it is an important step.

Thanks Kathy my new year resolution was to look after myself a bit more.
A lot of my sickness last year was contributed to stress build up over the years.
I dont understand why I feel guilty? Maybe its because deep down I dont want to upset him any more?
But it will make my life a bit easier and if he doesnt like the idea its up to him to fix it!

Jen, as I always say though.... you cannot help them unless they want to help themselves. He doesn't want to help himself, he wants to sit in self pity, sympathy, and cry poor him. When he wakes up one day and realizes that his life sucks and only he can change that, maybe he might do something.... unfortunately he is dragging you down. Again though, atleast you are doing your own thing now and not worrying about him so much. He is manipulating you, he is abusing you by pulling your emotional strings, but you own that one, not him, by allowing him to do it. Both people in the relationship must change if the relationship is going to actually be something of balance, equality, love and respect for one another.

Thanks Anthony he certainly does wallow in his own self pity and feels sorry for himself.
You say he will wake up one day and realizes his life sucks?
I wonder if that day will ever come?
As I said yesterday I am to much of a softie a lot of people would have left him years ago and maybe deep down he knows this?

Well, I wouldn't say leave him because that is not necessarily the answer. That is only your decision. What I know from my experience though, is that I also used all the things you mention he does against the vulnerabilities of those in my life, ie. if you leave I will kill myself, etc. Because I was ill, people did take notice even though I wasn't going to do it. I exploited them because I wanted the sympathy.

Being a softy is fine, nothing wrong with that. I say be yourself.... all I add though is that if being yourself means being a doormat, maybe that is not a good attribute to have. Change that aspect and standup to him, maybe he may standup and take responsibility of himself them also! His action when you where ill that time just screamed pity, being the moment he "had" to help, he did so and lived through it all. The moment he could be lazy again, he took it and did so once again. It is those moments you can use to help your cause to get him to see what destructive behaviour he is doing for himself.

Again though, atleast you are out having your life now and not being as held back by him and his misery. That just isn't healthy for you, and you have enough unhealthy aspects already within that relationship I believe.... mostly from his doing, some from your doing. Chipping away though is still the best thing, and there is never a time limit on change....

Thanks Anthony all your words make sense to me and I appreciate your input as you said you have been there!
I can only hope that me taking the step of getting help at work will open his eyes to the fact that I am not waiting for him any more!

How are things going the last couple of days? Hang in there Jen.

Jim.

Good for you Jen, you really have to think about you ! And you have to take care of the business, you can't let that go bad ! In getting help, you are helping yourself too ! And good for you for taking a stand ! We all have to be responsible for our actions !

I am sure you have been taking care of him all these years, and have been careful not to hurt or upset him more.

But it is so true, as in everything, we HAVE to want to get better ! He has to want to get better, and start making the efforts himself, there is so much you can do for him, but there comes a point when you say "enough" !

And also true that in sickness, (any kind), some of us tend to take advantage and manipulate the people we love ! It is so much easier to just lay there and have everyone do everything in our place !

My bf pushes himself out of bed, he knows if he lets himself, he would sleep all day, and he also knows it wouldn't be good for him. So he gets out of bed and gets busy, he has a seasonal job, and this season has been a very busy one ! BUT he is making the effort !

I hope your husband wakes up !! and makes the efforts needed for his own good and the good of you as a couple and family !

Like I always tell my bf.."I love you, I will support you, I am here for you BUT, "PTSD is not an excuse for bad behavior, there are certain things I will not tolerate"

Good luck Jen :)

Thanks guys!
He was almost human yesterday for the day.
He has a doc appt tomorrow but it is mainly about his diabeties.