Thanks to all, Jen, Veiled, empowered, bec, Lisa, Jim and Kathy for your prayers.

I still feel so ill. But I am going to spend a couple of days with my parents. Being alone in our home here is a bit too hard. Sleeping last night was really not easy. And I imagine this is going to get harder before it starts to get easier.

I just don't know what to do, if anything about it now. Part of me wants to let him know how hurt I am. I want to hear him say it. I want him to tell me what happened and why he thought it was OK to do it. What was he thinking?! Another part of me is so sad for him and I love him so, and feel the need to let him know that no matter what heppens, in the ened everything will be OK, even apart and to not forget that...

I don't know if anyone is keeping touch with him and I feel stupid calling hi mother to check up how everything is. I feel like now I am just out of the picture and have no right to ask... but surely I do, after 9 years, a marriage and everything else.

Bella I feel with you, alltough i haven't experienced what you have experienced.
I don't want to say anything that it is wrong, but like to take the risk. So please choose what you like and forgive me for the rest.

It makes so much sense that you feel love and anger at the same time. You do love him and that is why it hurts so much.
I imagine that it is the toughest time of your life.
It is not easy to feel weak and betrayed.
Somehow I wished you could tell him how much you love him and how much you are hurt by him, but I don't know .........

I am with you in thoughts and prayers.

Thanks Fel. I wish you could tell him too. I wish some how he knew and could remember everything we have shared and been thru togther. But the info I have recived is that he still has the girl with him. Apparently she has nowhere else to go. He is screwing a charity case instead of turning to his wife, partner of 9 years. What the hell is he thinking?

I am destroyed thinking about it.

Hi Bella I really dont know what to say as I have not been in your situation!
All I can say hang in there and hopefully he will come to his senses it seems that you need to get with him and have a talk and ask where is your relationship going?
Is it worth your while waiting for someone who is in a realtionship with someone else?
Thoughts are with you!
Jen

Jen, I find it interesting that the way you have worded it, I could forgive him. Strangely even as early as I write this (found out 48 hours ago now) I feel possibly I could. But that is when I remember the good times. All our history. How very vulnerable and needy he is now. I still feel like I want to take care of him..! But then I wonder if I could even look at him without remembering what he has done and not want to explode or slap him. And the thought of being intimate with him frankly makes me sick right now.

And I would not call it a "relationship" with her. From what I can see, she is a no-hoper with nowhere else to live and she is a "party girl". Just what he needs right now as he is off the rails drinking and doing all sorts of other destructive stuff that I won't go into.

I have decided I am going to call him today. I am going to tell him I want him to talk to me about what is going on. I have a right to know and I have given this 2 days to simmer down. If nothing else I need to hear the worst so that I can stop feeling like we can fix it and I can move on with my grieving.

But I am so lost and alone today as my parents are both at work (staying at their place as it is too much to be in my husband's and my home) and I still can't bear to tell my friends, so any words of wisdom or advice will be most welcome right now.

All I can suggest Bella is to call him and see what he has to say but get your timing right there is no use talking to him if he is drinking?

yes, I am going to call him but first want to dicuss it with his mother as she will have a better idea about his frame of mind at the moment.

I wouldn't expect he will be drinking yet, he should have the shop open today. At worst I imagine he will begin about 5pm, but how would I know really... the man i know (who he is NOT now) would not be drinking at all.

But it is a very good point. I will not leave it any later that about 5:30.

I am also not sure whether to attempt discussing on the phone or in person. Or call him to say I will come down to talk after shutting time. But then I am tempted to go unannounced to see what he is "up to" so he can't lie to me. But then, do I really want to see what I might stumble on?

I have now spoken with his mother,with my family too. Seems he is dead certain I need to call it quits. She said the man she knows as her son is no longer there and she hopes I can get on with a life without him.

She gives me her advice not even 3 days after we learn or the affair, to get the house ready to sell etc etc. And also has the hide to suggest that the business is worth nothing... I have become suspicious about that and at the very least said I certainly would NOT be jumping into any sale of our home.

I have decided I need to speak with him in the morning and have told my parents and his mother.

I need to speak with him about something else I may share on here one day,or not, and above all, I need him to admit to and answer to what he has done. Like I said before.. if nothing else it will jolt me into the grieving process I need to begin....

God help me, this will not be easy....

Bella my heart goes out to you after reading this thread.

I have been cheated on in 2 relationships and can appreciate the devastation and betrayal you are feeling.

One thing I would like to say though is I believe that no matter what there is no excuse for cheating, PTSD or not..... and Anthony says so himself despite cheating on his first wife. He said that he knew what he was doing even though he had PTSD. You can read it in his blog I think.

My intention is not to upset you or hurt you but I would like to suggest that you do not take to accepting PTSD as an excuse for your husband to act this way. You may choose to forgive him and take him back, which I can totally understand, however I believe you need to make sure there are consequences for your husband's actions and not just let him walk back in your door if he has a change of mind....if you do there will be a higher chance of him doing it again if it was easy to get away with the first time.

I am sorry if this post is a little painful but I hope you can understand that my intent is not to hurt you. This must be a very painful time for you and my thoughts and concerns are with you. Please take care.

Bella,

I just wanted to through a few different takes on this. I'm not meaning, in any way, to sound insensitive or cruel.

Are you two separated? Or more importantly does your husband view this as a separation? The reason why I ask, is that if you are separated or he sees it as such, and no "rules" were laid down about it, he may not see this as cheating in any way.

Also, the give him space isn't really being adhered to here. Although well intentioned, you really are pushing him in the hope to manipulate him back into the home. Space means space. This has nothing to do with the cheating thing, btw, just something I've been observing.

bec