Thanks Nic, I do hear you about not ever letting him think there are no consequences for these actions. But either way, it does not seem as though it will be an issue. It is almost certainly over. He is being very hateful. He has messaged me and been nasty this morning. I ignored it.

Bec, separated? Not even really. His words were that he needed some time away from me as he could not handle the fighting anymore. He said he did not want to end up hating me. That was due to my ignorance at how to care for a PTSD sufferer.Since as I have ranted before, no bastards told us what the deal with this bloody thing was really all about! So anyway, we never set ground rules with the "separation" in that regard. I had hoped to, once I felt he was more approachable,as I was trying to hard not to push him. And to be honest the boundaries I had planned on discussing with him were going to be more to do with how much and what sort of contact and support he was willing to accept and ways in which he could let me know if he needed more or less. I don't think infidelity would have even been discussed.

Secondly Bec, I take your point that it may hav seemed as though I was not giving him space, but the last few times I saw him and brought him things (food, clean clothes,etc.) he had responded well and others here on the forum encouraged me to slowly stick at whatever seemed to be working. In retrospect, he my have been semi-perceptive out of guilt I think.

I was only doing what I felt at the time was right. Seems without knowing any better and without meaning to,I may have stuffed it all up again.

So as I have said, I plan to go see him today.I need to speak with him and that is all there is to it.The space thing? I could care less about it right now. After this he can have all the space he wants. I think I will need to be using all my energy to just keep my head above water. This is going to be so hard.

I had intended to go in the morning, but just did not want to gt out of bed. It is almost noon and I am still sitting here in my pyjamas. Got to get moving. I have a life to get on with.

Just not in such a hurry to go have this conversation. Will probably be the hardest thing I ever have to do.

Bella whatever you do, do not internalize that this is somehow your choice. Stuffing it up is no excuse.

I wasn't too sure about how your break went.. which is why I asked. Some people view a break as different things.

I do hope it goes as best it can for you Bella. I'm truly sorry for you.

bec

Thanks Bec. I think what you are saying is to not blame myself? I don't really, but have a thought that if nothing else subconsciously I am going to think that and I am aware I need to dig it out and get rid of it. I will not let my guilt that I know I should not feel destroy me.

Not going to see him now.

His mother is there trying to sort out the paperwork mess and I need to give her a ot of paperwork. But she has pleaded with me not to come as she does not want me to get more upset. She said I should save my dignity.In other words, that bloody other woman is there.

The anxiety was overwhelming me anyway. Doubt I could have made it. It means going to our house and I don't want to do that now.

Yes that was exactly what I meant. I have been through cheating myself and I know how we look for what went wrong.. One thing I have learned, is nothing we did had anything to do with it. Cheating is a very selfish choice.

Nothing wrong with stepping back Bella. It just might save your sanity at the moment.

Take care of yourself.

bec

OMG Bella, what a terrible blow for you to be going through after all the ard work you have been doing t try to work through his PTSD... I can understand how you still love him and want t slap him at the same time, but I have never met him and I just want to bitch slap him from here to next week...
Just a thought also, that business he has s technically both of yours so don't ever feel as though you can't go there because his new FB is there! You have just as much right as him to be there. And if she is there, is ti because she genuinely wants to help him out or because she thinks all businesses mae money and she'll be set! SOrry but your thread has made me so angry at him and her for causing you this pain! My thoughts are with you,
Tammy

Thanks Tammy. You have the very same attitude as all of my loved ones around me. Strangely though, the anger thing is something I have only felt fleetingly a couple times so far. I think I moved through denial in wanting to forgive him, then I had to tell myself, "He does not want you anymore." and so now I am in distraction mode.

I am keeping as busy as I can with as much as I can handle for now. I am even going out on the town with friends tonight for New Years Eve. It will be hard, but what else am I going to do?

I am fairly convinced this is what was meant to happen, so I just want to keep moving forward. For now I can mamage to do that, so I shall. I suspect I may fall in a heap at some point soon, but until then, I am limping along. Very glad to be on holidays from work for the moment, but also looking forward to going back in a week to try to get on with my life and start fresh.

As far as the business goes, I really don't care right now. As I see it, nothing will happen that will do me over that I can't sort out with a good lawyer. So if it comes to that let it happen. I can't handle the anxiety of going down there right now anyway. So I still have not been in contact with him at all. I just can't.

If his new "thing" thinks she is getting her hands on any of it, she has another thing coming. She may not realise I am an intelligent, professional woman who could squash her like a bug if I wanted. Whatever. To be honest, if someone is sort of looking after him, that's probably better anyway. I can't believe I think that. The thing that hurts is her kids. He is probably all fun with them and talks to them etc. That cuts me. We were planning on starting to try for a baby later this year....

I am most sorry to hear all this Bella! Not a pleasant holiday for you obviously. How are you feeling now that the holidays are over with? Please keep us updated and take good care.

Thanks Kathy. No not nice. I hope you are all having a much better time.

The holidays have been hard. But the timing of everything was the absolute pits. Afraid the sentimental time has not passed for now just yet. In 3 days I will "celebrate" my 30th birthday without the man I thought I would spend the rest of my days with. But I will have my family and friends around me.

I got thru the holidays in avoidance/distraction mode. I have known the whole time I was doing it, but it was all I could to to get thru. Thinking about it all, thinking about him and what he has done, her, it has all been too painfull to acknowledge. So I have distracted myself from thinking about it as much as I could. But yesterday and especially now (5:00am - INSOMNIA OR WHAT!) it is all flooding in.

I can recognise a few "phases" of feelings I have gone thru. First I felt absolute horror and like my lefe was ending for the first couple hours. Now that it is all beginning to flood back I keep hearing myself screaming when I was told. I see myself collapsing, alone in my house and slapping the wall and crying, saying "No no no no!" after my sister arrived minutes later. All I want to do now is sleep but I can't get those moments out of my head. I am getting angry at myself that my ability to distract from my thoughts and pain seems to have gone.

But I do realise that distracting completely for too long is only going to make it more painful when I have to face it. ANd I will have to face it. So I guess maybe that's why I got up out of bedd, sick of tossing and turning, to come and get some of it out on here.

So the stages I have gone thru I think have been the initial shock (probably only a few hours), then denial and thinking maybe it only happened once and he is sorry and I can forgive him and he'll come home (this probably lasted 2-3 days), then I did the distraction thing - as much as I could, keeping "busy" and hence why I have not been on here much.

Now it feels like distraction is not working, or able to continue and with all the thoughts and pain flooding back, I yet again feel a sense of compassion. This could just be denial again I suppose.

I feel like my dear husband (who I love still, despite what he has done) must be so very tormented to have done such a thing that he really needs care and support. I feel a desperate need to speak with him now. I feel I need to let him know that regardless of what happens, I want him to be OK. I just feel like I must let him know that.

I also feel as though I need to ask him, once and for all, how he is feeling about us. Not that he can probably rationalise that right now anyway, and even though his answer is likely to crush me, I feel a need to ask him if he truly sees this as the end for us and if that is what he really wants.

There is something eating at me that says if he needs to be reached out to, I need to do it. I couldn't abandon that, no matter what he has done and no matter what the outcome.

I realise this will probably make no sense to anyone else and maybe not even to me when I read it back after I get some sleep.

I really hate this feeling inside me and I don't even understand it.

Bella, I understand having compassion for him and still loving him and so forth, however I believe perhaps you are trying to excuse his behaviour by saying he is ill. As I said in private, perhaps it is easier for you to think he has done this because of his illness, perhaps it hurts less and offers you an explanation?

I will repeat a bit of what I said in private. As you know my husband also cheated on me. He was also ill, suffering from combat stress and alcoholism. We had been married 6 years and had 4 children together. However I had no pity for him. None. He was in the wrong, regardless of being ill. He needed to do a great deal of work upon himself to get me back: he relocated, changed jobs, quit drinking entirely, and went into counseling. I would not have accepted anything less. My love for him did not change the fact that I would not permit myself to be treated in that fashion. I thought of myself and my children first, him second.

Bella, perhaps you feel you are being kind by having compassion for him. However, pity or sympathy does PTSD sufferers absolutely no good. In fact, it is a form of enabling, and will only make them worse. You are in essence saying that because he is ill he cannot control himself nor make his own choices and decisions. That is incorrect. PTSD does not make him a child nor mentally incompetent. Additionally, if you "forgive and forget" immediately with no consequences, he will have learned he can do whatever he wants with you and get away with it.

I could be incorrect, however - from everything I have read, I am concerned that you are forgetting yourself in favour of his needs. You are also important and you need to develop a strong sense of your own self-worth, apart from him. If you do get back together, you will need to have confidence in yourself. He will always have PTSD and that is not easy to live with. You will need to be strong.