Hi all....I'm Jennifer and I'm 30 yrs old. I have been diagnosed and am living with PTSD. Not fun! But I'm so glad I found this forum.

I developed PTSD after being in a horrible car accident with my husband. Our accident was almost one year ago (Jan 3, 2007). We were driving down a somewhat dark road at night time. What we didn't know or see was that a semi truck driver was attempting to make an illegal u-turn in the middle of the road. His trailer was blocking both lanes of traffic. We never even saw the trailer until the very last second. Barely time for my husband to hit the brakes. We hit the trailer going about 45 mph and we went straight underneath it. How did we survive?? I still have no idea.

My husband was able to get out of the car. He came running to my side of the car but there was no way he could get me out. I was pinned in the car and I wouldn't let him touch me. The pain was PARALYZING!!!!! I thought for sure I was dying. I remember being so afraid to close my eyes because I just knew if I did I wouldn't wake up. I couldn't breath and every inch of my body hurt. I had glass all over my body. I remember panicking thinking that the car was going to blow up with me in it (that's what always happens in the movies!). It took the EMTs 30 minutes to get to our crash because there were responding to two other crashes at the same time. For the entire time I waited for rescue I just knew that was it for me. I knew I was going to die. I can remember looking at my husband standing outside the car looking at me and all I kept thinking was "Oh God honey....please take care of the kids and make sure they know how much I love them!"

Finally rescue came and got me out of the car. It wasn't pretty but at least I was free. I was transported to the hospital where it was determined that I had a severely fractured clavicle. They didn't do much with me at this hospital because it was in the middle of nowhere and the worst cases they probably see are broken bones from kids falling of bikes. At one point I had a DR and two nurses standing over me saying "What are we going to do with her? Should we just send her home? How are we going to get her out of here?"

Well they did, they figured out how to get me out and on my way home (CRAZY!!!). The ER DR told me to follow up with my primary Dr the next day.

Two days later as I sat in an othropedic surgeons office I was told that I needed emergency surgery and he was SHOCKED that they sent me home in this condition.

I had my surgery. The recovery was hell. It took over 4 months for my bone to heal. During that time I was completely unable to care for my 2 year old twins. I had to have my Mom come live with us for 2.5 months because I needed around the clock care and someone needed to be able to care for the kids. Around this time it was also determined that my husband needed surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff injury. So he was unable to care for our kids as well. Life was so tough. Miserable really. I can't ever think of another time in my life when things were just SO AWEFUL!!! It still makes me so sad to think about how bad things were and how hard life was.

I started having flashbacks, visions and panic attacks right after the accident. My mind was constantly racing and I just kept reliving the crash over and over and over again. I knew I needed help so I quickly sought a therapist.

I saw him for about 4 months on a weekly basis. Things were improving healthwise for me and slowly but surely we were gaining little pieces of our lives back. My regular MD put me on an anti depressant to combat the situational depression. So between the meds and the months of therapy behind me I thought I was cured. I was starting to feel hope again. Starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Starting to believe that life could be good for us again.....someday.

Months went by and things were just coasting along. I mean not a day ever went by that I didn't think about the accident in some fashion but I wasn't consumed with it at all anymore. I felt healthy rather than haunted. My anxiety and fear in the car was getting a tiny bit better and I could feel myself beginning to relax a little more into my "old" self.

Well that bring me to now. I believe that with the anniversary date approaching it has triggered all these nightmarish things to come back to me. I'm seeing, smelling, hearing and feeling the accident all over again. I can't concentrate on anything. I am beyond sad and depressed. I feel so helpless. I hate feeling like I can't make this stop. I am usually such a strong "let it roll of your shoulders" type of person. I am so irritable. I'm ashamed of myself with how I am with the kids.....I just have no patience for them at all. I just sit and stare off into nomans land. I just can't stop my mind from racing.

Once again I am back in therapy. I don't think my therapist was surprised at all to see me again. But I was really surprised that this all came back to me like it has.

I really feel crippled by it. I am so far from being or acting or even looking like myself.

The holidays have been the WORST!!! All the family parties and get togethers and Holiday celebrations....I was like a giant spectacle. I was asked COUNTLESS times "what's wrong with you? You don't look good? Is everything OK??" I hated every single second of being around our family and friends. I hate people seeing me like this. I am WELL aware of how I look and how people see me. I'm just not myself and people can see that.

My MD just put me on Klonopin for the anxiety. Not really sure I'm seeing much results with that. In a way I wish it was a magic pill that made all this go away but on the other hand the last thing I want to do is "need" a pill to get through a day. That was never me before this accident and I refuse to let it be me from now on.

But I am desperate....I need to get better. I need to feel better. I hate this so much. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I can't even stand myself I am so miserable. I wish I could come out of my skin.

How do you make it stop? Is there such a thing as getting back to the "old me"? I am so paranoid and scared that I'm going to be like this forever. I just want to be my old happy go lucky self.

In addition to the meds and the therapy I also started doing yoga and running. The exercise really helps me. For the one hour or whatever that I am exercising I am truly not thinking about "it". My mind isn't racing and I'm totally able to concentrate on what I'm doing. However, the moment I stop it all comes back to me. It's nice to get the relief for an hour or so a day but now I'm feeling like I'm getting addicted to exercise just so I can escape. Is that healthy? I mean I know there could be worse things than over exercising.

I am looking forward to getting to know you all. I'm so interested to read your stories and get your advice. I belong to a few other "Mommy" forums so I knwo how wonderful these communities can be and how helpful and supportive it can be.

Thanks for letting me share my story!

Well, hi Jenn from another mommy (that also belongs to other mommy forums..hehehe)

Welcome to the forum. It's a great place to meet others who are experiencing the same intense symptoms of PTSD and a place to vent, and a place to heal. We hope to support and encourage you during your "anniversary".

I'm looking to forward to getting to know you!

Welcome to the forum Jenn.

Welcome to the forum.

bec

Hi, jenn2505. I'm thinking we should have "Crappy Anniversary" cards.

Welcome to the forum.

Hi and welcome.
I too became a gym rat. Some days I couldn't run fast enough nor far enough to ease my mind. Injuring my ankle from overuse, forced me to slow down and learn balance. Overall, being on the treadmill helped though. For me, yoga has only slowed my mind slightly. I only enjoy doing it as a post-workout stretch. Thanks for reminding me to get back to the gym!

Peace

Welcome to the forum Jennifer.

Welcome Jenn. Glad you found us...

Hi Jenn, welcome to the forum.