Hello. I’m 19 and female. I live in the UK.

I wondered if anyone might be able to offer advice. I know this is a long post and thanks to those who’ve given the time to read it. I’ve been bottling it for a long time.

My father was alcoholic, kept disappearing and I used to have to watch him physically abuse my brother. He rarely turned on me, but often threatened it. My mum was bulimic and had violent mood swings. By the age of six, I started having nightmares, disturbed sleep, hallucinations, food phobias and social anxiety. When my grandma died, I was eight, and I became suicidal. I was sent to a therapist. Eventually I learnt to keep my mouth shut and everyone thought I’d ‘recovered’. I stopped going to counselling. I still have the dreams now and sleep is just as problematic.

I stopped all contact with my father when I was eleven and I never saw my brother again (my father forbid it), but I’ve been told my dad carried on beating him and I’ve been told my brother is now in a lot of debt, self harms and he is a cocaine addict. I abandoned my brother and now I can’t even face contacting him.

I started self harming. My eldest brother (I have two brothers) began attempting suicide. I went to high school, but left after a year. My mother became more verbally abusive and hit me as well. I left home a lot. I started drinking and smoking weed.

But, when I was fifteen I was accepted into a school for ‘kids with problems’. I even stopped self harming. I felt I had a chance at getting a job and a life. I thought my problems would disappear.

It was months later when something I heard triggered these memories. More and more memories came back to me. In the earliest memory I was 3. I can’t remember how young I was when the sexual abuse began. I know I don’t remember all of what happened, even now. I also fully acknowledged being raped a year earlier by another man. It was realising this, above everything else, which I’ve tried to escape.

When I realised I’d been sexually abused I started questioning the rest of my childhood. I carried on with my education and because for the first time ever people were proud of me, but I couldn’t stop thinking about everything all of a sudden. I became promiscuous and by the time I was sixteen I was using up to 3 grams of amphetamine and drinking daily, but I still managed to finish college. I even got into university and moved away to escape

I was clean, but my sleep pattern didn’t improve and I began to lose control. I would get drunk, smash bottles, get into fights...I tried to run away to France too. Sometimes I was so scared everything I locked myself in my room for days and didn’t even eat or drink. I would just stare at the walls not sleep or move.

I started using heroin. A friend committed suicide (the 7th friend to die in three years). I started smoking crack too and failing university. I wasn’t eating and I was self harming again. I had raging mood swings. I took so much heroin I overdosed numerous times. At first heroin stopped the feelings and memories, but eventually I couldn’t control either.

I have been clean twelve weeks. I went cold turkey on my own. I didn’t speak to anyone and it is since going through withdrawal that things have got worse than they’ve ever been. Experiencing withdrawal and facing everything that has happened and everything I’ve done has been horrifying. I can’t put it in words. I started drinking again instantly and it resulted in physically fighting, criminal damage and promiscuity. I cried for the first time in years that week...and haven’t really stopped since.

I don’t drink or touch drugs now, not because I don’t want them, but because even heroin doesn’t stop the thoughts and memories and everything anymore. I can’t even try and ignore it anymore. I don’t want to fail my degree because I’ll be homeless and really have nothing, but I can’t even function anymore. I don’t speak to people or see friends, or have many left. I can’t bear them, or this or myself anymore. I don’t pay my bills or go food shopping. I haven’t attended university. I find it impossible to even go out now. I’m at rock bottom.

I wondered if anyone here might be able to tell me whether this sounds anything like ptsd? I know talking on the internet isn’t to be taken as diagnoses. I would just be appreciative of any advice. I can’t express the fear I feel. I don’t even say it all to myself until now. I did go to therapy when I was sixteen, but every time she spoke I wanted to scream...or pass out, but instead I just sat there and said things which I weren’t true or changed the subject, then I ignored the appointments until they stopped ringing and decided it was all the therapist’s fault. I don’t know how to speak to a doctor or a counsellor, but I’ve run out of drugs and coping mechanisms. I know I can’t make it go away , but I can’t cope with all this being here.

Welcome to the forum Molly.

Yes it does sound like aspects of PTSD. However, that said, there is a lot to confirming that. PTSD encompasses many aspects of anxiety, depression, etc..

My suggestion is you get into a therapist as soon as you can. It sounds like you haven't had really great experiences with them however, your gonna need some help with this.

Also, is there some kind of drug rehab program you can reach out too? Twelve weeks (well done btw!) is not long overall, and a support group and some help would be a great thing for you.

I know you've said you can't speak to a doctor or a therapist. Many of us have and/or do have issues with this. We have a few tricks up our sleeves. Write out what it is you need from them. Write out your symptoms (nightmares, pain, flashbacks, anxiety.. all of it.. don't leave any of it out) and how often you have them. Write out (just point form is fine) the basics of your past. Hand them the written sheets! Tell them you can't make yourself talk about it and ask them to read it.

I know that sounds crazy but I had and still have to do it myself. And it works. It breaks that ice for me and helps them know what to ask about and what I need help with.

Also please check out this section: http://www.ptsdforum.org/forum45.html as it will help you getting started with the forum!

bec

Oh and I wanted to add that this is a diagnostic tool to help you determine if you should seek help from a professional to diagnose PTSD. If you take it and print it out, it's very helpful with doctors and therapists.

http://www.ptsdforum.org/forms/ptsd-diagnosis/

bec

Hi Molly,

Welcome to the forum.

Hi Molly, I agree with becvan, congrats to your 12 week success, but I think a rehab program, something like what the 'The Gilead foundation' provides in the UK would really benefit you. Hang in there. There is hope for a good future! Many people in this forum proof this to be right. There is hope, and there is a way out!
Harry

Hi Molly, it sounds like you have PTSD but it is hard to say for sure. I think the advice bec gave you is excellent with regard to writing your issues on paper and giving it to the therapist/doctor. It is a start in getting comfortable with a doctor/therapist so you can get the help you need. Good luck and welcome to the forum.

Tammy

Your replies have been very kind / non judgemental and are appreciated. Really, thank you.

I know the reason I havent seen a doctor is because I’m even more scared and ashamed of not only what I am, but what happened and...

I know eventually my remaining friends and family will find out, if i get help. I still see my mum and she’d hate me if I talked about the family and her. She doesnt know about the sexual abuse. I could never tell her someone she knew sexually abused me and although that person scared me and hurt me, I loved them. I did then and I still do. I hate them, too, but I feel like I made them do it somehow. I cant imagine ever being able to say who they were and I’m scared a therapist will try and make me.

I wrote everything down (not my past, but how I was feeling/ drug use /what I was doing ) when I was sixteen and saw a therapist. The Dr looked at me like I was trash. He implied I was being melodramatic, though he refered me to a therapist. I never went back there, even with unrelated medical issues. I couldnt face him. I will consider trying again. I want help.

I dont need rehab though. I’m clean and I mean it this time. If i went to a program I’d have to leave university. If I went to a program people would find out and it’d cause so many more problems. I’ve lost so many mates who just consider me a stupid junkie, the ones who dont know about all that...I dont want them to know.

hello molly,

i am really sorry for what happened to you... you must be a very strong person to cope with all this alone...

i don't think that your mum will know what you talk about in a therapy... i go to therapy for about 3 years now - and my mum doesn't know... and i surely will never tell her...

welcome...

s.

Thanks for the kind words. I’m not a very strong person; I’ve desperately avoided facing my demons all my life, but I’m hoping this is the first step towards becoming a stronger person.

Knowing you haven’t been forced in to telling your family you’re receiving help is reassuring. You must be a pretty strong person to have had the courage to seek help.

It’s amazing how kind strangers can be, thanks to all of you.

First thing first. This is NOT about your mother. YOU did NOTHING wrong! You had a BAD doctor. Guilt is hard to shake but it is neccessary. A qualified therapist will not betray your trust and here in the states is legally bound not to repeat anything you tell them. We have Heppa Laws that protect us. You need to get one you feel comforatable with. I too had a bad one once. Any one that you should be able to trust..when they betray you it adds to the pile of damage that causes PTSD. Don't fall for the guilt game. It is not your fault that you were abused. I know because I was too. I always thought if I were better behaved or prettier or..it never ended. It took me 56 years to get help. Do it NOW Molly. Good luck and God Bless...hang in there and stay on the forum.

Linda