molly
my names sally and it's not about what your mother thinks. most of my life I felt that I was the black sheep in the family. But when I needed her the most my mom was there, Not all therapist are meant to handle ptsd look around for one who is!
Belive me Becky has brought me a long long way.I pray you find strenght to keep going because you just took your first big step sally

hello molly,

it is interesting that no one sees herself as a strong person... neither do i. expecially my seeking help was not very brave: i was about to kill myself (as i am a perfectionist it surely would have worked) - suddenly i thought: "okay, one minute for brainstorming - what alternatives do i have?" --- strange rational thoughts in such a situation... i had a baby at that time - put her in the car, drove the highway to the capital (faaaar journey) straight to the biggest hospital in my country and told them right away what i almost did, and that the reason for all this is that i cannot find another way to STOP what the doctor there called flashbacks... so this is not a very brave way to get help... but today it is of NO IMPORTANCE at all HOW i got help, most important thing is that i found an alternative to committing suicide, at least for the moment... ;)

i think the right moment to get help is different for every person... for one person it is at the age of 20, for another one at the age of 50... i think for everyone comes the day, when the symtoms get more scary than facing the problems...

>Knowing you haven’t been forced in to telling your family you’re receiving help is reassuring.

i do not think that forcing me to ANYTHING in the world would help me - i am a grown up person, if there are good arguments, i can see for myself what's right. i would not go to a therapist who thinks that he better knows what my best is than i know - this is part of the ideas that BROUGHT me to my trauma. my mum is not an encouraging or helpful person to me - so why tell her???

all the best, i wish you a happy new year!!!!!
s.

Linda

Thanks for your advice. I always thought if I was better behaved or more loving then it wouldn’t happen. I even started dressing like my brothers because I knew he wouldn’t have touched a boy. Of course, it never worked.

A friend has let me stay at their place (they’re away. I turned up after they'd left and will leave before they return. They dont know what's gone on with me) for a few weeks so I am hundreds of miles from my home at present. I’m trying to tell myself when I return I’ll go straight to my doctor’s and not my dealer’s. Returning is going to be the real test. I can’t imagine how someone could cope for 56 years and still find the courage and energy to get help. That’s amazing. I hope it’s helping you get where you need to be

Sally

Thanks. I’m not really the black sheep in my family. (Unfortunately) Most of my family are drunks, anorexics, bulimics or have abandoned each other. Even if they knew I was using heroin, after the initial shock, it’d just become another subject to be avoided. The problem is in ‘my family’ there’s always been this stupid code. I wasn’t allowed to cry as a kid or discuss what went on within the family. There are a lot of secrets, and lies and abuse. My cousin spoke out about it at fourteen and spent the rest of his teen years in foster care. His name is just another taboo word now, like ‘alcohol’ or ‘abuse’, nobody mentions his name.

Salome

Yeah, definitely is interesting how people don’t see that they’re strong. I still think people who’ve asked for help at all are damn strong. You could’ve killed yourself, but you had the strength to stop and even try and be rational. You could’ve bottled it on the way to the hospital, but you didn’t. Yeah, I see that as pretty brave.

Last time I reached the point where I was ready to end it all I also I considered going to hospital or even just ringing a mate and telling them I was thinking of killing myself. I hadn’t seen my old mates in nearly a year and they kept asking what was wrong with me. They were worried. I could’ve tried to talk to them, but I didn’t. I didn’t have the guts. I spent £80 on heroin and crack and consumed it all that day…not only did I fail to have the strength to get help I wasn’t even brave enough to kill myself in the end. I just spent £80 on drugs and didn’t pay the bills again.

I think you are right about there coming a point when everything is scarier than facing the problems.

I thought a therapist might tell me I need to be honest with my family and friends in order to get anywhere or start dealing with stuff…I’ve been told that before and know if I’m told it again I’d stop going to therapy rather than tell my family or friends anything.

Maybe I’m over thinking it. I haven’t even been to the doctors yet.

Thanks and Happy New Year to you too...and everyone here!

hello,

>I thought a therapist might tell me I need to be honest with my family and friends in order to get anywhere or start dealing with stuff…I’ve been told that before and know if I’m told it again I’d stop going to therapy rather than tell my family or friends anything.

i have had plenty of doctors and therapists in the past years... good ones and bad ones... and i have learnt to tell them right in the first 5 min., what i WANT and what i DO NOT WANT. if telling your familiy doesn't make sense to you (because you know that it will worsen your problems (never do it) OR because it would take more energy than you have right now (do it later)) - tell the therapist right away that you do not want to hear this. the relationship patient-therapist is quite difficult... so i think both of them should have the opportunity after a few meetings to say: "i have the feeling that we do not fit together."

>Maybe I’m over thinking it. I haven’t even been to the doctors yet.

you will see: the first time is the most difficult... i wish you good luck!!

s.

Molly,
My heart really goes out to you. Please seek some help. Don't give up. My wife and I have been to 4 different professionals trying to find the right one for us. The things that happened to you were not your fault. Don't worry about what others will think. Take care of Molly first and foremost. Welcome.