Hi. My name is Jaz and I need some guidance/help/etc.

My husband, Tee, has PTSD. He's an Active Duty Marine who has been to Iraq twice. We are both 23 years old.

We married 9 months after we met and then the month after we got married he deployed for 7 months. I was not very responsible with the funds and had a father (who is also diagnosed with PTSD from Vietnam) who took advantage of me and my kindness. When he came back we had gotten an apartment in North Carolina but had no money left in the bank. He was very distressed about this but chose to really just confront my dad more than I. We still had difficulties and problems especially because I got pregnant shortly after he came home and miscarried. This was November of 2005. Within two months, we found out that I was pregnant again and we were having problems. (Also at this time I was completing college in Va, where we both are originally from). In January 2006 I chose my father over my husband by giving him more money (my college tuition reimbursement check). He forgave me but was deeply resentful. He didnt know if he wanted to stay married and at some point he cheated. As he was getting ready to deploy again in July of 2006, I was 7 months pregnant and our marriage was in deep trouble. But we worked through it and our son, Tonie, was born September of 2006.

Everything was fine until Thanksgiving 2006 when Tonie died of SIDS. My mother, myself and my son had visited my mother's family in New York for Thanksgiving. Three weeks before I had dreamt he would die and my husband repeatedly asked me not to take him to New York. When Tonie died, he secretly blamed me for his death. He has held this anger towards me for the last year but I've just recently found out from other people. This, amazingly, is not the end of the story.

I got pregnant again within a month of Tonie's death and moved to NC with my husband. He had closed himself off to me. He took the money the marine corps gave to us for our son's death and he blew it on frivolous things. He didnt feel like he could be open with me. He stayed out of the house, with his friends (fellow Marines). He began drinking heavily and going out frequently. He could only sleep if he passed out from drinking. At some point he was diagnosed with PTSD but he never told me until later because he doesnt like to talk to me about that. He was scheduled to get out of the Marine Corps September '07 but reenlisted and decided to go for the full 20 years. We were relocated to Quantico, Va, where he said we would start over.

For the most part, we had started over. We were both making more of an effort. He told me what kind of wife he needed, someone supportive, someone who would be there for him, the biblically described wife. So thats what I've been. I've catered to his every need and done everything he's ever asked and while he's appreciated it, he also knows how good he has it. He knows I would never leave him regardless. I gave birth to our daughter, Jazmyn, September 11th of this year and he has been a fantastic father to her. He said he was happy with his family.

But then on the night before Christmas Eve, he snapped and proclaimed he doesnt wanna be with me anymore. He keeps saying he doesnt know what he wants. One minute he wants a divorce and he wants to be thru, the next, he doesnt wanna let go of me and wants to stay married. Now he's more on the latter, that he wants to stay with me, but he's afraid that he's gonna hurt me. Apparently he's feeling rage so deep he's afraid he may put his hands on me and he's currently staying with his brother. He has done this in similar ways before, as I said before, but they werent like this.

He still tells me he loves me and kisses me goodbye but he doesnt know what he's gonna do. He says he's getting help and later he'd be open to us getting help together.

Meanwhile, I'm taking care of our 3 month old daughter. I've recently been diagnosed with post partum depression myself and I also lost my job. So its a lot.

I'm sorry this is a lot, but my story is long and complex and I was just wondering if anyone has any advice/encouragement? I know no one can tell the future, but maybe you could help me know what to expect...whether or not I should expect him to return...something.

Thank you. God Bless.

Hi Jaz sorry to hear that you are going through all this!
The Carers section is quiet at the moment I am sure it is not that all our sufferers are behaving themselves!
Quite a few carers are away for holidays maybe if you post in the general chat area you may get some sound advice as there are more users at the moment in that area?
Hope this helps!
Jen

Don't have much to say either JAZ, except welcome. Wife Kathy and I are on holidays for a few more days. Additionally she is ill right now. She will chat with you more upon our return. Good idea to talk to the sufferers though, as Jen mentioned.

Jim.

Well thank you Jen and Jim. Please continue to enjoy your holidays...I wish I could enjoy mine especially as our wedding anniversary is New Year's Day...but I will keep my head up anyway. Thank you for responding, that means a lot for now.

You both need Therapy. PTSD & Depression can break up any Marriage, but losing a child is just the worse thing ever.

Maybe you both need therapy together, or go see a Chaplan, Priest or something.

I pray for your family, God Bless!

Semper Fi

Jazz,

I am so sorry for everything that you have been through, you both are so young. I agree that therapy is needed for the both of you. A therapist trained in PTSD trauma for your husband, a therapist for you to deal with your issues and maybe later marriage counseling for both of you.

There is a carers section here on the forum that you might want to look at too for additional help for yourself.

Hope things are better for you, and hubby in 2008.

Hello JAZ, welcome to the carers. Hope things get better for you soon

Welcome to the forum JAZ, lovely to have you. I am most sorry for the loss of your baby. Having lost my son this past year, I have come to the conclusion that losing a child is the worst pain one can experience in life.

You and Tee have been through much pain and stress in a very short period of time. It is encouraging that you were both working on the relationship. I am uncertain why Tee "snapped" on Christmas Eve, however I would venture a guess. The holidays are a difficult and very stressful time for all, and with PTSD added to the mix, far worse. Even good stress can cause problems. So perhaps that is why. Hopefully, he may come round again after the holidays and things are back to normal.

This concerns me. He may simply be worrying too much or catastrophizing and may never touch you or your precious little one. However, he may also be warning you legitimately that he feels he is losing control of himself. Only you can know for certain what is going on, as you are there with him and know him. I would suggest you not take any chances. You must protect yourself and your daughter. Perhaps given this aspect, it is a good thing he is staying with his brother at this time. Violent thoughts are nothing to fool with, especially in someone with PTSD who has not yet had much treatment. It does not mean he is a bad person; far from it. However untreated PTSD can be very nasty. Better to take precautions now than be sorry later on.

It is most encouraging that he wants to go to therapy or treatment at a later date along with you. That is positive. As others have said, therapy is needed for both of you. Are you in therapy yourself currently? Even if he does not join you, therapy for yourself, and/or medication, would be very wise, given the post partum. Do you have family or friends nearby who can be a support to you at this time? Regardless of his PTSD and so on, you need support as a new mother. I had post partum myself after one of my children and it not easy. Support from family and friends is crucial.

Please continue to write here as often and as much as you wish, ask any questions you wish. Merely writing out how you are feeling can be most helpful. Truly there are no easy answers to your situation, however I do suggest concentrating on yourself and your child as much as you are able. You are also important. Please take good care of yourself.

Thank you Marine0311, She Cat, Dameia and Kathy. I appreciate your concern and comments.

Basically I'm convinced this is his PTSD and so I'm trying to give him his space. I only contact him once a day (8 pm) if he hasnt already contacted me for the day, which he usually does. This is just to fill him in on things happening here and with our baby. He seems to appreciate that. Today we talked a little, it being our anniversary, and he was still confused. He said he thinks he wants a divorce but he doesnt know. Then he said he wants to take it day by day. So thats what we're doing. He loves me but he's not in love with me and he measured that based on the amount of love he feels for our daughter and how natural he says that is. But he also admitted that he feels he could fall back in love with me he just thinks this will happen again. I think he really needs to get comprehensive help for his PTSD. But I'm not gonna force that right now. He seems like he's starting to come around now that the holidays are over. But its hard because so many of our friends are starting to break up too.

I am in the process of getting my counseling started. And I think he's already in counseling but whenever we do talk I'm gonna really stress the importance of making sure he's completely honest with them so he can get the help he needs. I dont see this being the end and the way I know him, this happened too random for it to really be the end. He's generally been like that he wants to stay married he just doesnt wanna hurt me and that the problems we're having he doesnt see a way to end them and I think thats the PTSD overwhelming him...so I'm just gonna keep supporting him and taking care of myself and daughter and keeping the doors open.

But I dont want this to happen again. So, for after he comes home, how do we stop this from repeating?

It sounds as though you are doing the right things JAZ; very well done for your efforts. As far as prevention however, there are no guarantees. Both of you being in therapy and honestly trying will certainly reduce the likelihood of problems. However truthfully, it is up to Tee to continue with his healing and you may only be there to support and encourage him. Educate yourself as much as you are able about PTSD, as knowledge is power with this illness. I would suggest reading the information sections upon this forum as a beginning. Continue being supportive of him but do not fall into the trap many other carers have, of allowing their lives to revolve around the sufferer. Do not be overly involved or pushy. Additionally continue to take care of yourself and your daughter. Do not neglect your own needs, as they are every bit as important as his. Take good care.