As most of you know, my son Brian died in a car crash in April of 2007. He had untreated PTSD and although his death was ruled an accident, my husband and I have come to the conclusion that it may well have been a suicide, at least a subconscious one. He was most definitely engaging in typical PTSD risk-taking behaviours.

We have spent the last 8 months trying to grieve, trying to discuss the situation, going to therapy and support groups, all of which is positive. However we have also spent a great deal of time blaming ourselves and one another for his death, second guessing our actions, wondering how we could have done things differently and so on. It has not been easy. Early on I wished myself dead, questioned my own sanity, and taken out my anger on my family, especially my other children. It has been difficult all round. I have come to the conclusion that losing a child is the worst pain one may experience in life. I fully see now how it often changes lives for the worst.

The Christmas holidays were quite difficult, it seems every holiday will now be difficult, with Brian gone. Shortly before our holidays began I came to the realization that I badly need therapy to deal with this. I have been experiencing quite intense symptoms of anxiety and depression which I can no longer ignore. I am going to be evaluated in a couple of weeks, and then begin therapy on my own, though my husband is planning on attending with me on occasion. As a retired therapist it has been most difficult to admit that I am overwhelmed by this problem and cannot handle it alone. However I am determined to push through my "professional pride" and truly deal with this. It has changed my life forever, but there is still much to live for.

I was extremely stressed prior to having my holiday break and I do apologize if I was terse or rude to anyone here on any subject, or regarding my son specifically. Honestly I am uncertain if I have offended or not, and I am not going to look back at my posting history. No use beating myself up in that fashion. I simply recall being quite stressed and I can become quite snappy then. So, my apologies to any who were on the receiving end of that, publicly or privately.

I will still be here editing and commenting as previous, however I plan to take more breaks and not be quite as involved. I have, so to speak, "lost myself" in the problems of others on this forum, to avoid dealing with the pain of losing my son. I am determined to change that in this new year.

Kathy, I am so sorry you are having such difficulty, but very glad for you that you recognize it and will seek help. It must be very difficult to place yourself on the other side of the desk, so to speak. I haven't seen any evidence of your being unpleasant on this forum in any way, though I understand how easy it is to get paranoid about that, since I get that way myself. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hodge

Hello Kathy, I dont pretend to know the pain you experience but I wish you well and think you should be very proud of yourself for realising and accepting you need professional help. Good luck, Claire

Hi Kathy sorry to hear that you are doing it hard but at least you recognize in yourself that your grief is overwheming you!
Gee if this happened to me I dont know how I would cope you are doing well!
Look after yourself in this New Year!

Kathy - all I can say is I am sorry and you are in my thoughts and prayers throughout these difficult days...

Grace

I completely understand what you are going thru. And although we lost our sons in different ways and at different times, it is truly the worst pain a person can ever feel. My son, Tonie, was 7 weeks old when he passed away. And my husband was in Iraq at the time and so he never got to meet our son. Then we got pregnant immediately again. We've never really dealt with it and I am just now getting ready to go into counseling for my post partum depression...of which I know Tonie is the cause of a lot of it. I also believe that Tonie's death is a big reason why Tee is having his issues now. I know its weighed very heavily on his mind lately.

Tonie died Thanksgiving 2006 so obviously the holidays starting with Thanksgiving have been horrible. But I just pray to get me thru those times. I pray and I write in a journal. I mean, I still need therapy and the support of my family and friends, but sometimes just being to myself helps. Talking to him helps too. In the meantime, you have to take care of yourself first, regardless of what manner you choose. I will be praying for you and your family. Take care.

Kathy, I think you should be very proud of yourself. Your putting your needs first and reaching out for help with such overbearing emotions.

I am glad you have the strength to do what you need to do.

bec

Kathy my heart goes out to you & I am sorry for your pain & your loss.

I wish you the strength you need to get through this & admire you for taking steps to help yourself.

Please take care.

Dear Kathy,
Just before going I want to say you: good luck and best wishes! It is good that you had reqalized the problem and decided to deal with it. Hope you will get better soon.
Hugs
Linda

Thank you all for the good wishes, I appreciate it!