I am going for my evaluation / intake appointment for therapy tomorrow, and just found out I will be seen by one of my former colleagues! I must admit I do feel rather nervous, not to mention embarrassed. I do believe I would have preferred to be evaluated by a stranger. However I intend to be honest and straightforward despite my embarrassment.

Hi Kathy, I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. I can't even imagine what your going through. Hang in there!

Tammy

Kathy, going for help when you are in so much pain is nothing to be embarrassed about, even if it is from a former colleague !

They are there to listen to you, to help you move on, and when I say move on, I don't mean it in a bad way, as if you will forget about Brian ! but I mean it as in "to live your life, knowing it will never be the same". You will learn to accept the pain and misery that comes with the loss of a child. Accepting that life will never be the same.

Knowing that in time, you will remember Brian and smile ! Oh, I know it will take time, and the pain you feel now is perfectly normal. Our children should never go before us !

But also know that each one of us grieves in our own way ! Who should tell us how to measure grief ? or how long and how we should grieve ? Noone, but you !

Jim mentioned that you are having a harder time then he is. That doesn't mean he loved Brian less or misses him less, but we all grieve differently. And you are still in one phase of the process.

But you are accepting the fact that you need help ! And that is a measure step forward !

God Bless !

Thank you Frankie, I always appreciate your very sensible words. I must admit though it is difficult to watch Jim doing things which I am not able to do. He is grieving differently than I am and not any less painfully, however I do wish sometimes I handled things as he does. I do feel jealous of my husband at times! I am very hopeful though this therapy will be helpful.

Well. Kathleen you are being a bit generous. Not much to be jealous of. Your husband is still in pain, though male pride keeps him from showing it too often. ;-) Part that concerns me about you, is the nightmares and crying. And. Worrying about the kids incessantly. Not wanting to let them out of your sight. Though the worry about Evie currently, agree with that one.

Jim.

Oh dear. Forgot to thank you also Tammy. I very much appreciate the support!

Yes, the nightmares especially make me very concerned for myself, as I never dreamt much at all prior to Brian's death. The worrying too of course is quite unlike me. I used to be such a calm person, I miss that about myself!

In spite of how busy we were yesterday, I did manage to attend my intake appointment. It was not nearly as embarrassing as I had envisioned. The majority of time was spent in filling out forms and completing assessment tests. Now I must wait for the results of the tests, though from my professional experience and having used identical tests on clients, I already know the results. It was rather odd to be on the receiving of the assessment!

Kathy, on our flight home yesterday I was reading the book "I Can't get Over It- Trauma Survivors" (Anthony's bible) & I came across this passage which made me think of you -

"No one can be "together" all of the time. Eventually everyone, no matter how fortunate, encountes a situation that baffles or breaks them".

Hang in there & take care

Kathy, you made the first step ! And I can imagine how you felt odd on being on the other side of the fence ! :) You have gone through a lot and still are with your other children, let them help you now !

I have heard that there are many stages in the grieving process. Know that your journey is not over, but you will learn how to live and deal with it ! And, he will always be with you in your heart !

I know that my cousin is now very angry at her son (I mentioned once that my cousin lost her almost 18 year old son in a car accident, in July of last year). He was speeding and was only a few minutes away from home, now she is very angry at him ! Thankfully, noone else was hurt but he never had a chance !

You are jealous of the way Jim is handling it ....but as Jim said " male pride" :) he is in as much pain as you are in, I am sure, but we all react differently, maybe next month Jim will need your support more ?

Worrying is part of being a parent :)....Your nightmares and dreams and the crying is all normal and part of your grieving process ! If you don't want to talk to anyone, if you are mad at people, all this is a normal part of grieving ! Don't put yourself down ! and certainly don't blame yourself for how and what you are feeling !

I must add here, that whilst what Frankie states around being normal, is that do not allow it to become your new normal. Then your in the shit... just ask anyone with PTSD. Kathy, well done on your evaluation and this is what I talk about in regards to those in the industry being the hardest to treat. You said you know the answers already, hence the hard part.

This is not the first time you have been through traumatic episodes within your life Kathy, and whilst more personal to you being your son, you have still healed from other matters and helped others within your family heal them. Now just turn your magic wand upon yourself please and I truly hope this therapy helps you for what understanding you need to get from it. I have my fingers and toes crossed that this helps you Kathy.... more importantly, you help yourself throughout the process. I don't want to be helping you deal with PTSD later down the track thanks... when it can be avoided by helping yourself totally now.