I imagine it would be. But the first step is always the hardest and you did it. Good for you. Therapy is never fun, it's never something you look forward to, but it is a way to help yourself to deal with something you've learned you can't deal with by yourself. BTW-that's a mantra I've used on myself for a long time now to get my rear end to my appointments.

Take care of yourself, Kathy.

Hugs
Lisa

Thank you Lisa. Yes therapy is not fun. And in my case I feel almost as if I am coming out of retirement! Though obviously that is silly as I am now the client. It is quite strange though. I fully see now why many therapists are loathe to do it. In a way though it will be nice as I am not the one having to take notes, write in charts, communicate with the treatment team and so on! Those tasks were a large part of my job and were the parts I liked the least!

Yes excellent point Anthony, thank you. Grieving is normal obviously, and losing one's child is especially difficult. Additionally 8 months is really not such a long time to deal with a traumatic death. Jim is still grieving, Evie is grieving, the other children are grieving... however there is a certain "quality" to their grieving which suggests to me they are getting on with things in spite of their pain. Myself, on the other hand - I have reached a point where I do not believe my grieving is normal any longer. Not that I should not feel sad or angry or any other of the feelings I am experiencing - rather that these feelings are now spilling into the rest of my life and interferring with my day to day living in a rather large way. That is what I fear is not normal. I have not talked much about my symptoms here, however perhaps I should.

Again, this is why I suspect it is not normal this time round. I was much stronger after the murders than I am now. Even with Evie being run off all that time and Jim and I worrying for her safety it was not like this. I've never experienced nightmares and anxiety to this extent in my entire life. Whilst Jim and I were driving to town yesterday, we saw the wreckage of an accident on the highway. Jim did not make the connection however I immediately thought of Brian. I was quite out of sorts for the rest of the day, crying and being quite snappy with Jim, and experienced fresh nightmares of Brian that evening.

I might as well say here that the results of my assessment are leaning towards my having traumatic stress. Not PTSD, but temporary traumatic stress that may be eradicated with treatment. I do intend to work dilligently upon myself so that it does not become anything more than that. I feel fortunate as Jim has had traumatic stress from combat and was able to work through it. So, given his experience, he will assist me in addition to the therapy. I need to accept his help and not be proud! We are both hoping for the best possible outcome.

Kathy, well done for your acknowledgement of your self. The starting point with all trauma Kathy does not change, in that you must list your trauma, you must then list what you feel surrounding each traumatic issue / event, you then take those feelings and expand them as much as possible to isolate the exact problems. You need a place to begin working with what is in your head, but until you get what you feel and think out on paper for yourself and others to help you, the problems just remain yours. If Jim is helping you, I honestly believe you should be doing this now, outside of therapy, as therapy cannot achieve what you can if you work hard at yourself. You can have therapy for years and achieve nothing if you aren't prepared to look at every detail yourself, regardless how painful some parts may be, you must face the pain and face your emotional fears yourself. You simply need that support to help you through, though nobody can actually help you identify and solve the problems, only you can do that for yourself. Just remember Kathy, I am always here if you need me, just email and I will help you. Trauma is my speciality.....

I do understand the situation better now Kathy, and I agree with what Anthony is saying. Grief is normal, and grief to a certain degree is healthy. Anthony said it best when he said "do not allow it to become your new normal" And also true, everyone can help you in their own way, but you have to face all the pain and fears ! You are on the right path, you have taken the path of healing !

Dear Kathy,
I also am happy that you are taking steps towards healing yourself. Just know we all here support you and wish you the very best!
Tammy

Kathy you are a strong woman and hopefully you will be able to cope after a while!

I just wanted to say I'm pleased that you accepted that you need a little help to deal with your grief, Kathy. It's a hard thing for anyone to admit, let alone someone who worked in the same field that you are receiving help from! You've done brilliantly allowing a former colleague to assess you... I guess that must have been difficult. But good for you.

Hard as it is... you are starting to deal with things better already, simply by acknowledging when you need a bit of extra help is a huge, huge step.

Thinking of you.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I am still not feeling very well. I am finding everything quite difficult at the moment, facing some difficult truths about myself. I realize I only have enough energy for therapy, my husband and my children. As a result I am not posting as much here upon the forum. I will still be around to edit, read, and answer some posts, however my participation will be limited over the next little while.

Take as much time as you need for your own healing Kathy as it is a priority. We will miss your posts but will have you in our thoughts.