Shattered...

Fear and Heartache

I feel like I have been on a roller coaster of emotions today.

Earlier this AM I felt blessed and content.

Then I felt alone [even tho not] and very misunderstood, which made me sad.

I have also been struggling with an event that happened over the last week - one of the teens (19) from our church was killed in a car accident last Sunday night. I so wanted to go to the funeral, and prayer service, and am so angry I let things that are MY problem interfere with something so important. Guilt guilt guilt - everything seems to revolve around it!

This kid was so sweet, he was the ONLY one of the youth that ever came right up and shook my hand and introduced himself when we first started there. He had horses too, which I do too. I keep thinking that has some kind of meaning. His name was Cameron.

My stupid reasons are 1) we have not been in a while, and have actually been trying a new church, and I didn't want to just 'pop up'. 2) There was a viewing, the funeral, and a special prayer service last night, and I felt like any of the above would..... maybe send me over the edge, at least really derail me. I just couldn't take it, I knew I couldn't. I didn't even know him well at all - but I am one of those people called an empath - and I soak up all the emotion in a room, theatre, even tragedies [real] on tv.

I so wanted to go comfort my church family, and his family, and get comfort from them. I could not. I think one reason it hit so close to home is because one of my very bad times in life [I don't know if it is technically a 'trauma', but it is to me! The absolute worse one that I feel I will never be 'over'.]
I was fighting my ex for 10 years over my son, living as if I were hidng from the CIA, and the finally the big one came when he got me when I was down on my luck. I lost/gave up in the end. And then left the state. He may as well have been 2 and yanked from my arms, the way I felt.
He was 14 and now 20. He's in Ireland right now ministering, and the night he flew over, I stayed up til dawn tracking his flight.

I'm glad to see this thread to share this with you all. I have not been here in a couple weeks, and I need to be. But I feel like my situation is so discombobulated I don't know what to say. Thank you.

Hope venting made you feel better LostInTheFog. Feel free to share as I know it can help you feel better.

I feel like a weak individual today who should toughen up.

Confused, disillusioned, somewhat scared.

What I felt this morning: ill, weak, vulnerability, frustration, exasperation, disgust, fear, anger, exhaustion, rage, confusion, fed-up, guilt, bitterness.

..............What I feel now: fed up, fear, anxiety, depression and shame.

Summed up: a lousy and awful morning!

Vulnerable, broken, sad, ashamed.

I haven't been writing to much this last week. My husband and I were trying to help the widow of my husbands best friend out. The son is doing nothing but fighting with his family and causing us heartache. I no longer want to be the son's wife's friend. She told a deep dark secret about the family that I wish she didn't share than I had to get it off my chest and told my husband. He was severely shocked. I felt it was his friends before I was in the picture, he needed to know.
The daughter-in-law came over our house and was trying to hang on my husband. Our dog is very gentle, however she bit the womans foot. Good dog just protecting her family. I thought I was going to have a new friend but now I realize she can't be trusted.
What I feel today:
disappointed
sad
lonely
disgusted
empty
stunned
spacey
quite
On a good note, I was upset about the goings on, I decided to do something nice for someone. I did. I shoveled a little bit of our 87 year old neighbors snow. He was very appreciative.
sunnydaze

Sick and lost and alone