For those who don't frequent the Introductions board, I'm Jolene and new to PTSD. My husband is a Marine and had told me a little before we got married that he had been diagnosed with PTSD quite a while before we started dating. I really didn't know anything about it and since he hadn't had any treatment for it I took his word that he was fine and didn't need "help"...he seemed fine to me. Sure, he drank a little too much on the weekends and had a bit of a temper sometimes but he was funny, caring, protective, adored my little boy and I fell for him.

Fast forward. We've been married now for two and one half years and have been having what I thought were marital problems for quite a while. About 7 months ago I almost left him and have felt that way at least a half dozen times since then. One of the major problems have been how he treats my son, who is now 7, and calls my husband "Dad." My son tries so very hard to bond with my husband and I just didn't understand what the major problem was. Every excuse h made sounded just like that: an excuse. Then he dropped a bomb on me...."I just can't connect with him and I don't know why. I can't connect with anyone, not even you." Out of all the clues there were, that's what made me think something major was wrong. I started doing research and stumbled on, really, the symptoms of PTSD. I could hardly breathe. The nightmares he has almost every night, the agressive behavior, the temper, not being able to connect, use of alcohol, on and on, everything was there. And here I was, for the last 7 months just thinking he was just turning into a big self-centered jerk. I still feel awful about that!

I don't know what to do now. He's not in any kind of therapy. He says he wants his life to change, that he hates how he feels now in just about every way, but will make changes himself because he's afraid of loosing his military clearance. From everything I've read so far, PTSD sufferers need help and without it things get worse. I also know I can't push him to get that help but I'm scared for him, scared for our family. He's so devoted to the corps but if he doesn't get help I'm worried that by the time the corps' done with him, there will be nothing of HIM left. I don't think I can sit around a watch things get worse for him but I don't know what to do.

Hi Jolene, welcome to the Forum and the Carer's section.

I am sorry to hear of your situation. As a relatively new carer myself with a partner who's PTSD is reasonably well managed I unfortunately cannot offer a lot of advice other than for you to do what you are doing - seeking understanding and knowledge for yourself. The one thing I do know is that a Carer needs support so that is one thing we can offer you here. As for your husband, from what I have learned, unfortunately he must take the steps to help himself. Perhaps some of the PTSD suffers can shed some light on what might be helpful for your husband.

Please take care and I look forward to talking to you more on the forum.

Nicolette has given you a very good answer, in that gaining knowledge for yourself is most important, as your husband must want to help himself. You may be there to support him in his efforts, however he must do all the hard work upon himself, if there is to be any lasting changes. Do remember to take good care of yourself and your son in this as well, as the two of you are also important.

Although my husband is recently retired, I was a military wife, though I am in Canada rather than the USA. I read in your introduction that there is no support for you where you are stationed? How about for your husband? Most Canadian bases have some resources for counseling. Are you certain there is nothing for him? Perhaps he should speak to his physician? Even should your husband not want to leave the Marines, there is often therapy offered on bases. PTSD is slowly becoming less of a stigma in the military (though VERY slowly!). Take care.

Hello and welcome to the carers.
I don't have much experience in what you are going through.. but having read lots on this board it makes me think that maybe your husband won't admit to himself he is sick? That he maybe hasn't looked into what PTSD is.. thinking the things he is feeling and going through are in his head or its "just him". Also with military I have heard many times its almost implanted into there head sort of that they CAN"T get sick.. especially mentally. Its a weakness that should be denied sort of. It is true he must do the work himself to get better.. and it is VERY hard work. But as a first step you might tell him you have been researching PTSD and if he is responsive maybe print out some info for him.. or even try and get him to check out this site himself. There are lots of military people on here that he could connect with and it might open his eyes that there is help for him and he could get better.
anyways.. hope things get better for you and feel free to ask any questions here in the carers section and also in the other sections for some info from the sufferers point of view too.

Thank you so much for your replies. It's nice to have people I can talk to about this:)

Kathy, I don't know much about how the corps handles situations like this but my h is afraid of going through the military for help. Doesn't want to talk to his command, doesn't want to go to medical, because he doesn't want to loose his clearance. I mentioned something about seeing a private doc in town being confidential and he said "maybe." I've looked for support groups, group therapy, anything. There also seems to be no private docs here that have extensive experience with PTSD, combat or otherwise. I was hoping to find some info that I could present to him to help eliviate at least some of his fears of getting help but I seem to be hitting a brick wall. I hate to think of it, but there's also a possibility he's using the "clearance" argument as an excuse not to get help. He wants to believe he's strong enough to make everything go away, even now, though it's been five years and things are getting worse. I'm very concerned about the downward spiral I'm seeing in him and also concerned about how this is all effecting my son. He doesn't think Dad loves him any more and when I try to explain that Dad just problems he's dealing with I can tell he doesn't believe me. Can't blame him when h goes almost all night without even acknowledging the little guy is there.

Damiea, you have a very good point. I don't think it's lack of knowing (his father has PTSD from service in Beruit that went untreated for 10 years....he's on meds, still in therapy and doing much better) but I think he's still fighting that he has it at all. He doesn't want to have it. We haven't had a discussion on how he feels but based on what I know about him, he would see it as a weekness, and he's a Marine. "Weak Marine is an oxymoron." If something isn't killing him he's strong enough to tough it out, that's his attitude. hmmm.....wonder if he'll ever see that it IS killing him, slowly.

I know I shouldn't, and won't, push him to get help but I'm wondering if there's any way for me to at least help him see the reality and seriousness of what he's dealing with.

This is interesting Jolene. What is his relationship like, with his father? Perhaps he is ashamed of him, worried that he is becoming his father, all the "weak" points of his father that he is ashamed of, or something similar? My husband's father had PTSD from serving in Korea, and for years Jim considered him weak rather than ill, and was quite disgusted with him.

I do understand how difficult it is for service men to seek help, it is still quite a stigma. There are more helps in place now than previously, however that doesn't make it any easier. He could very well be in denial regarding having PTSD, or using having clearance as an excuse to not seek help. It is difficult to say if he is not being completely upfront with you. We have a few members here who are or have been in the military and I hope some of them will answer you on this aspect.

You are quite correct that pushing may only make matters worse. Unfortunately he does need to grasp the seriousness of this on his own. There may be times when you can bring up the subject "safely" and offer certain suggestions, however he does need to make the decision on his own. He needs to reach a point where he realizes he needs help and wants that help. Before that point, more pushing may simply make him more strongly opposed to the idea.

Damiea had a good suggestion, that he read here, if he agrees. There is much good information upon this forum, and he needn't become a member if he doesn't feel comfortable. Alternately you could print out articles for him to read. The information forums are a good place to start. Also for yourself. Please read as much as you are able, and ask all the questions you wish, of the carers and the sufferers as well. This is unfortunately a problem with no easy or quick solution, you are in it for the "long haul" as my husband would say.

Please do ensure that you also take care of yourself and also your precious child. I have seen far too many spouses become enmeshed in the situation with their ill partner and forget themselves and their own needs in the process. Have you read the following article:

How Does PTSD Effect Family Life? Especially For Families With Children

It is from Veterans Affairs, and specifically tailored for people with younger children, such as yourself. It may be of some help. Take care and please keep posting.

Jolene,

I'm posting as a sufferer and former caregiver for a spouse who sustained a serious brain injury. (I hope I'm not going "out of bounds" by posting here.

I'm not a former military person but some of your husband's behavior describes my own. I'm speaking primarily of denial and rationalizations not to get help. I don't know how common this is among sufferers, but I suspect it's rampant. You could start a poll among this group if you're interested in getting more feedback.

Being a caregiver can be consuming (make you lose your sense of self) especially if you ignore your own emotional and physical needs. While it may be inappropriate and ineffective to push him into therapy, IMHO it is appropriate to let him know how his behavior is affecting you and your son. You might also want to consider getting some professional guidance (counseling) on your own. You are also suffering.

Ruddy

Just wanted to say Ruddy, no you are definitely not overstepping. Sufferers post in this forum too, I do once in a while and I am a sufferer. We are allowed to post anywhere. You make some really great points too.

Welcome to the forum Jolene. I don't have much to add to what's already been said, but I will confirm what others have said, that your husband has to be ready himself to seek help. My trauma took place in 2001, I was diagnosed in 2002, but I didn't start working on myself until 2006 (that's not to say your husband has to wait several years though... everyone is different regarding the time frame). I am doing a lot better now, but it did take me a while to realize how serious this was. I ran off from my family, so I didn't have them around to help me or push me, however I really doubt anything they would have said or done would have made a difference to me at the time. I wasn't ready, I hadn't reached a point where I wanted to work on myself.

Hello Jolene, I totally understand what you say about him 'not wanting to have it'. Thats a common thing for PTSD sufferers. I dont want to have it either! It a hard pill to swallow for most of us. Most, if not all of us go through the denial stage. I did and still do on occassion. I feel I shouldn't have it, I'm strong, confident etc. All that stuff, it must be even harder if you are in the military and also male. The thing is until he does accept it, and if it is PTSD then he can use all his qualities, strength, stubborness etc to work for him and help him get himself better. He's got to reach the point of needing to change things though and he can only do that on his own. You can support him and help him with it but its his decision to start with.

Kathy, his relationship with his father is distant. He doesn't talk about it much, but I know his dad was very hard on him growing up, didn't communicate unless it was yelling, etc. My h originally enlisted when he was 18 to "make dad proud." Apparently it backfired and when h told me the story three years ago, was still hurt enough by what his dad had said at the time that he cried in my arms. Broke my heart. Things are a little better now with the two of them since they have common ground (PTSD, combat, the corps...the two latter are pretty much all they talk about with eachother). MIL wasn't much help either. I think she got so caught up in FIL's problems that the kids took a lot of junk they shouldn't have had to. Also, her opinion is "It's the mom's place to love and praise. All the dad is supposed to do is make sure kids stay in line." That gives an idea of my h relationship with FIL.

Thank you for the link....I've read it and will try to keep mental notes in the back of my mind :)

Ruddy, thanks for your encouragement to discuss his actions' effects. Maybe if he can see that he can't just "isolate" everything, that it's not separate from the family, there'll be a better chance of him thinking about the situation at least. As a sufferer, could you suggest a way to approach the subject that would make you more inclined to listen? I don't want him to think I'm trying to nag or point fingers...then he'll just close off and I'll sound like the teacher on Charlie Brown.

Batgirl, like you, my h was diagnosed a few years ago, I believe in '02 from combat trauma in '01, though I could be a little off with the dates. It can get a little confusing since he's been to Iraq once and Afghanistan twice and doesn't talk about it. Before you decided to get help, did you find a way to live with it? What I mean is, do you get so used to having it that it seems you don't need the help or is it just a case of denial?


The difficult thing for me is finding the fine line between not pushing him to get help and not enabling him to stay the way he his. Things got bad for me this weekend. My head is not in a good, supportive place right now. I'm having a hard time finding motivation to understand, find ways to be supportive, research, etc. when he doesn't even seem to care that we're having problems. If it was just the two of us I think I could be more understanding (it's not what he does to me that bothers me), but every day I watch him hurt my son (emotionally) and by the time the little guy goes to sleep at night, I don't even want h to touch me. I feel very sorry that my h has this wound and know it's not his fault or a choice he made. Another part of me feels that while that is true, at some point he needs to be accountable for his actions, the choices he makes now and the way he treats other people. It's starting to make me angry that he's known for years that he had PTSD and does nothing. He watched what it did to his father and his family growing up, he's seen first hand the damage it does and chooses to do nothing. The fact that I'm getting angry is making me feel guilty. Are these feelings normal? Is it some kind of stage? Am I not being compassionate enough?