This you will learn through experience Jolene, though trial and error. At least, that is how I have learned to deal with it, along with constantly educating myself of course. That isn't to say I have now "arrived" either; far from it. I am constantly making mistakes and learning. The important thing is, to keep trying, keep learning, and be willing to admit your mistakes when you make them. You will never be the perfect carer, however if you are willing to be honest with yourself, you cannot go wrong.

Yes, feeling angry is very normal. Living with a PTSD sufferer can be most frustrating at times. The important thing is, what you do with your anger and frustration. Do you try to think of different ways to deal with a difficult situation, devise solutions for yourself? Do you speak to your husband openly about how you are feeling? You mention for example how he is treating your son, how your boy feels very sad and so on. That is something you truly do need to address with your husband. You and your child have rights as well. Your husband should not be permitted to walk all over you simply because he has an illness; you also deserve respect and happiness. And regarding compassion - compassion does not mean always being kind and sweet and retiring to another. At times it is more compassionate to point out to someone bluntly where they are going wrong. A little tough love can go a long way. Again, it boils down to honesty. Be honest with yourself and your family and you cannot go wrong.

I don't have much to add beyond what Kathy has just said. I guess that is one of the reasons I suggested you might want to consider some professional guidance for yourself. A counselor should be able to assist you in approaching things in a more productive manner and help you deal with the pain you and your son are suffering. Of course there are no guarantees that will motivate him to get help. As others have said if he's not ready . . .

It's a beautiful day and I wanted to update you, especially those who gave me support and much needed advice. I'm sorry if this turns out to be very long but I'm overwhelmed and excited and wanted to share :)

My h and I had a very long conversation last night. It started out with discussing a small disagreement and led to him asking me why I'm so unhappy. I was hoping this would be one of those "safe times" to talk, and took the opportunity. I told him everything I have been feeling from how he treats my son to how worried I am about his happiness, his future. Though I tried not to, there were tears on my part as it was a very emotional, honest talk. After a while he said "well, I guess we resolved why we are both unhappy." The way he said it almost sounded resentful and I feelt the need to tell him that while I can guess and form my own opinions as to why he's hurting, he is the only one who can honestly answer that question. He asked me what my opinion was, why I thought he was unhappy. I sat there for what seemed like ages trying to think of how to say things. He was asking for my honest opinion (for once), and I felt down to my bones that this was the one time he might listen so I didn't want to goof it up. After the long pause I asked if I could show him something rather than tell him and he said "sure." So I pulled up a webpage that listed some symptoms of PTSD. The list was long enough that I could scroll down to view the list and the description of what it was related to wasn't visable. He read it and I can't explain why but I knew it was hitting a chord. When he was done with the list he scrolled back up and saw it was related to PTSD. He closed the computer and sat for a long time. Then it really started.

He started out with "I need to tell you something and it's probably going to hurt you very badly but it needs to be said." I braced for the worst. What he said shocked me. He told me that he's been pushing me away. Trying to make me hate him, despise him, want to get away from him. He doesn't want me around. When I asked why he told me it was because he knows what's coming and doesn't want to put me and Blake through what his mom, his sisters and himself went through with his dad. All I could think was what kind of person would hurt themselves to save someone else and then have to face this hell alone? Amazing. That's all I can say. He told me it would probably get worse long before it gets better. I didn't say anything. I didn't think he wanted me to talk and I certainly didn't want to break this communication stride. He went on to tell me how bad things are getting for him (much worse than even I thought it was), that the nightmares are getting worse, why he doesn't talk, that he's been trying to bury everything so we aren't subjected to it. It's like a wall came down, even if it was only for that couple hours.

I did the only thing I could think of doing. I said I couldn't relate to what he's been through or the struggles he would face but that I would be there for him. That it was my choice to stay and I wanted to be around when he needed me, to support him, and that when he just needed space he'd get that too. I followed ruddy's advice and had set up an appointment with our marriage counselor, but only for myself. The appointment is today. I told him about it and let him know that he was welcome to come with me if he wanted to. He said "we'll see." This morning he asked what time the appointment was and I told him. I said it would be nice to have him there and he said he'd like to be, so hopefully he'll be able to get the time off. He's supposed to call & let me know.

Even if he doesn't make it today, I think we've made a little progress. Him being able to open up to me last night is a huge step for him and for us. He's NEVER talked to me like that before. Thanks to all of you who gave me advice!!! Your words were with me last night and I know they helped me talk less about what I thought, wanted, needed and helped me just sit quietly and give him the time he needed to say what he needed to say. So, thanks again.

Very good Jolene, I am very happy for you both. It is most definitely an important step, him being honest with you as he was. Admitting to such matters is far from easy. Very good also that you were honest with him in return. Really very well done, some definite progress made. Excellent to see, and please keep us updated.

Great news Jolene. I hope your appointment went well too.

That is great news - a giant step for both of you!

Hi Jolene,

Well Done ! Very important step in helping him see symptoms of PTSD.

Getting to a counselor, etc.

Check with your military chaplin about the "losing his clarence" thing, or maybe he can refer you to someone about it, that won't "violate a confidence" on your behalf.

------------
My name is Donna and my husband was an U.S. Army Airborne Ranger from 91-97. We weren't married then. I met him in 98 after he already had PTSD, but hadn't been diagnosed as yet. The VA is still "working on accepting that he 'has it' etc"

Hang in there you are not alone ...

hugs to you all...

Donna

Just an update:

My h got stuck at work and wasn't able to make it to the session last week but I think that turned out for the best. I was able to speak with the therapist freely about how everything is making me feel without having to worry about it effecting him. I was also able to discuss my h's worries over the effect therapy would have on his career (after 8 years in, he plans to see it through to retirement) and the therapist was able to help in that area. Since we came to him about marital problems, he would continue to treat "marital problems" and said nothing about the PTSD would go in the file if my h didn't want it to. He said he's had to do this for several other military, police, border patrol, etc. When I left I set an appt. for my h as just in case he remained open to the idea of going. I was so excited the rest of the day. So hopeful!!!

The conversation came up later that night about the session, and I asked if he knew the therapist was a veteran. That opened another door for him, I think. To make a long story short, he wanted to make an appt. and was even commenting about not being suprised if they put him on meds (something he's very much against....he hates even taking asprin) and that if it'll help him, he'll try it. Basically, he seems to have opened to the idea quite a bit since reading all the symptoms.

Also, the last week has been really nice. I can see he's making an effort, a very large one, to keep his temper under control. He didn't even yell at my son once last night - and there were plenty of times I was cringing, just waiting for it. And all this after he had a bad day at work. Usually a bad day equals an awful one at home. I know it's hard for him but he seems to be trying.

So, that's where we are right now. I'm interested to see how Monday will go (his appt.) but am enjoying the slice of peace I've had lately :)

That's really good news Jolene. Progress and willingness is a wonderful sign.

That is indeed good news Jolene. Please let us know how the appointment goes.