Hi everyone

This is the first time I've ever posted anything, so here goes. My name is Marc, and I live in South Africa. And no, I don't live in a hut surrounded by wild animals! :) I guess I've been looking for a "community" with whom I can share the chaos in my inner world, and know that I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. I come out of an 11 year law-enforcement environment.. not fun.. Resigned in 2002. Was diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago. Everything in my life just seems to be falling apart - has been for years. I've turned into such a recluse, feel safe when I'm alone, in my home.

Welcome... wow. S. Africa. I have a friend near (just outside of) Johannesburg, can't remember the name of the place, though. He doesn't have wild animals around him either :)

welcome to the forum Marc

Welcome Marc
Im a very new member here too. Nice to meet you but sorry you have had a reason to find us. Please know that if you are agoraphobic it is a very common symptom of PTSD, from which i have also suffered. You are not alone. Take care

Welcom to the forum, Marc. I'm new here, too. I live in South Georgia, USA.

I relate to being a recluse and feeling safe in my own home. It's just that it gets so boring! I want more from life, so I am taking college courses in order to find a new career. (I worked as a nurse before.)

I hope you find this forum useful. There's a lot of great information here.

Hi and welcome to the forum...I'm sad to hear that you have no wild animals around you. That might be cool to hear about!!!!!!!

Hey Marc, welcome to the forum. Yep, thats what PTSD does to you initially, turns you into a recluse. Its great that you recognise that you need help, you need support, you just need to vent at times Marc. Well done already...

Thank you so much for the warm welcome, everyone. I've been journaling for the past 3 and a bit years. It's the only way I can maintain some semblance of control in my life. I have no continuous memory of my childhood. Even now I have to write things down in order to remember, otherwise it just disappears into this "gray fog".. The only thing that's been a constant in my life is fear, shame, guilt, anxiety. Kinda makes you wonder how on earth I landed up in law-enforcement! I'm still working on that one.

I sometimes (actually quite often) feel like a little child, all scared, alone, vulnerable. Jeez, if my ex-colleagues could hear me now.. I'm 39 years old, a specialist in a very "macho" field, and yet this is what is really going on in my life. Our masks can sometimes be so convincing..

Since I've resigned the mask has been slipping, it's not needed that much anymore. Now I'm forced to deal with whatever happened. I don't know which is worse, knowing or not knowing. I thought I was normal, that no one could remember their past. What a rude awakening. Spoke to someone who apparently was in the same class I was in primary school. Couldn't remember any of the things he recalled, It's like I wasn't "there" at all. So embarrassing.

Not to mention keeping intimate relationships. Yes, I know I have intimacy issues. Part of it is that you don't want to contaminate the one you love with the horror you've been exposed to in your career. When you see the things you do on a daily basis, a certain innocence is lost. You can never get it back. And you're reminded of this loss with every flashback.. Been married, and divorced. My ex and I lost 2 little baby girls a few years apart at a late stage in the pregnancy. Had to be strong for her, it devastated her. And me.. could never show it though. I'm the strong one, remember!

Anyway. enough whining. Thanks again for this forum, Anthony!

Marc, its great to see another male who isn't afraid to show their true selves. Even though it typically takes us all an amount of time to work this out for ourselves, like our 30's for us males, we discover that where not any less male looking in to save ourselves, so we can enjoy some happiness in life. I too kept up that macho façade for years, and the only thing it did when looking back was destroy me even further. Just made the work I did years ago all that much harder to break through, but still, it was achieved.

I am sorry to hear that you both lost your two babies late in pregnancy, no doubt a tragedy for any to be parent, or parent. Your finding for yourself that your mask slips, as you say, and that can only be a good thing for you in order to help yourself heal some of the pain you have endured. I have seen some of the biggest blokes, cranky looking and the attitude to go with it, break and cry when they finally released that another male sexually assaulted them as a small child. It was the secret itself that ate at them, not so much the act itself anymore in their life. But that act, that secret, was what encouraged and made them who they where that day, a facade to the public, their friends, their family, a complete rebellion and turn to the opposite spectrum, "big tough macho beer drinking male" everything that screamed something went wrong in their childhood and has caused them great pain.

Well done Marc.... and great work on your journaling, atleast you have some sanctity for your brain to read what your pain includes, which can help you a great deal to heal it and continue forward in life.

I second everything Anthony has said....!