Welcome. I know all about that gray fog.

I don't know if you have agoraphobia. Given your profession, you *know* that it's dangerous out there.

hey....
I am Law Enforcement to oand new to the board. 25 years of service, one car accident, and I was thrown away like trash, it's tough. I hope to find help here too.
willsee

hi marc,
welcome to our world I think you were in law enf to make a difference in the world. I know your lost of babies. know what the wilds animals I've met are humans. they hurt each other for no reason.
sally

Hey marc69 -


Don't live in a hut surrounded by wild animals! I like your sense of humor lol. Ya, people in the USA think people in the NW that is Washington, Oregon and Idaho have Indian uprising still. Ha ha.


Mark, I've read a bit of what happened and is happening in S. Africa .. . a tough, tough deal. Bet you've seen lots of stuff.


And me too, I stay at home almost all the time, a recluse, or in Vietnam parlance, we bunker up. That's one reason I turned to this forum which by the way is one of the best run ones I've come across so far. Good people run it, and moderate it, and the members are nice.


I can't speak for anyone else of course, but I think that many of us with PTSD get to the falling apart point and then we rise up from the ashes like the Phoenix. Changed but even better. I haven't liked the burning up part, but the rising up part has started and that is better.


Someone said, trial and tribulation build character. Well, I never wanted so much character lol, but since it has been forced on me I'll take it and use I to a positive end.


Look forward to hearing more from you -

Hi there everyone! So much has happened since my last posting. Went to see a psychiatrist on the 3rd of March. He imediately booked me into a Psychiatric Hospital. Spent almost 4 weeks there. Diagnosed with PTSD (nothing new there..) and bi-polar, which is brand new to me. I'm on very strong medication to try and stablize my mood swings. I've apparently had this illness from very early on in my life. It explains a lot in my life. I'm just finding it very difficult to accept that this is a bio-chemical imbalance, and not a weakness of character..

Needless to say, my stay at the hospital was VERY expensive. My medical aid paid only for three weeks. My dad paid for the rest of the treatment. Here's the problem. I am more depressed than ever before. The psychologist didn't touch on any of the PTSD events because of the bi-polar illness. I feel so helpless! I'm not sleeping properly, waking up at around 2am in the morning, and battling to fall asleep again. It's taking all of my energy not to cut again. (crazy, isn't it?) I'm not coping in the outside world at all. I long for the protective and structured environment of the hospital. I can't tell you how desperate I am.

I'm trying so hard to adapt, to be 'normal' again. I'm working through a workbook on bi-polar. I cry or become upset at the smallest things. I'm still battling with flashbacks. I'm still a recluse. What do I do? Feels like EVERYTHING is just too much. One of my close friends say that I should speak to my Psychiatrist and dad - tell them how I feel. But no matter what, it's gonna cost more money.

My best friend is bipolar and has PTSD. Every time they change her medications, she is exhausted for several weeks and generally not herself. She is on tons of meds. You should talk to you psychiatrist about the medications, it may just be that you need some time to adjust to them. Did they give you anything for the anxiety?

The events that caused the PTSD need to be dealt with, but not until your mood is stable.

Marc, welcome back.

Take care of yourself the best you can, it will get easier. Just keep doing the next right thing to take care of yourself today. When all else fails, I find not doing the next wrong thing to be enough.

tude

I am brand new here and hope my messages are getting through. I just read the forum and thought you were describing my life. I have been reading postings all morning and i can not believe there are so many people who share such similar experiences and feelings. After reading marc's entry, and others, I'm starting to realize we aren't supposed to feel the way we do inside. Thank you for sharing Marc.

Wow Marc,

Thanks for posting, I'm new too but have been reading for awhile. I just put in my notice at work because I can not concentrate and do not want to endanger others. It is also so embarassing to make mistakes or cry when you are a professional. I hope to get through this a go back to work without damageing my career but I have been put on so much medication for major depression. Crazy from lack of sleep. I thought I was ok from PTSD but now here it is again worse than ever. So much of what you wrote sounds so typical or normal. Thank you for being a person to relate to! It can be lonely, hideing in this world of PTSD.

Hi Marc,

Welcome! I've spent a fair amount of time in South Africa myself, though I'm not from there originally. Based on the level of violence in some parts of the country I can imagine that law enforcement work must be very difficult. Best of luck with your recovery.