Hey there,

my name is Vicky AKA 'spiritofnow' which I feel is very apt as part of this condition holds us to the past, which i am trying to break free from. I am 36yrs old, single with one child. I reside in the UK.

I know that I will write alot as I have alot to purge - its okay that you don't read it all its partly for me

I did already post a 'hello' - but unfortunatley it got lost in the technical ways of this virtual domain

I have lived with anxiety or it has lived with me since the age of 10 which is just after my life became complicated. Sexual abuse is the main pre-cursor to the dysfunctional life that I lived. But there was also a mix of a very dysfunctional home life - those of you out there with similar experiences will understand the connection.

I did not confide in any one with what had taken place until 10 years later - one of my first recognisable flash-backs. In actual fact up until this realisation it was as though I had forgotten it had happened at all - I always knew that something was different about me though and carried that feeling around for many years.

I have recently been having therapy CBT which was arranged through my g.p. My initial assessment diagnosed me with PTSS but the more I read the more I am sure that PTSD is more likely?

I can have panic attacks up to several times a day and it also awakens me in the night at times. I do have very lucied dreams - nightmares associated with the past or whatever is concerning me at the time - my ex-partner found it very difficult to sleep with me beacuse of my disturbed sleep. I experienced the delights (sarcasm ) of depersonalization and derealization last year which are quite mild at the moment but nonetheless ever present. I find that I am often quite dazed and disconnected. I beleive that I did isolate myslef from the world and did not maintain friendships due to all of these wonderous things. I have only ever had a job for no longer than a year as at some point I became overwhelmed and crash. I used to think I was a terrible person because I could not hold down a job! I do know better now

I have lived a very dysfunctional life at times and often can be very self destructive. I would and still do at times feel so bad about why I would behave so badly to myself - that veil is gradually being lifted as I work my way through all the damage.

I guess I would like to feel like a whole person - one that likes and loves who they are. I am trying hard to realize this and since therapy have started to be kinder to myself. My ex described me as my own harshest critique with the capacity to punish myself over the smallest things - he knew me alright!

Last year I started University something that I have wanted to do for such a long time! I love being here but it really does test me and is one of the hardest things that i have ever done - it is so outside my comfort zone (but hey that would be disappearing from the world at home otherwise). I do have alot of understadning about symptoms and feelings as one of the ways that i try to empoweer myself is by reading literature on whatever I have experienced - for me knowledge is one of the biggest parts of my process through therapy/healing.

I am confused about this though! My inital assesement diagnosed me with PTSS because at times in my life the anxiety attacks did dissapate once for about a year. That was there reason for PTSS and not PTSD. Don't get me wrong i am not fighting to wear the badge of PTSD, it just seems that after the things that I have read that PTSD fits? Also is feeling extremely aggitated and cross part of all of this? Sometimes I wonder where it comes from - I hear myself address my son at times with this tone that I dislke immensley. I just feel wound up inside at times.

I am so glad that this site exists

Thankyou for reading about me-with love x

Welcome and nice to meet you Spiritofnow
Im 32, from the UK too and am also a very new member. Im glad that you found this site to heklp you but sorry that you have a reason to be here. People here are so friendly and caring and its great to know that your are definitely not alone. Sounds like you have a good understanding of what you are going through which is great. Thinking of you.

HI Vicky,

Welcome to the forum....Hope to *see* you around. There is a world of information on this site, ands it's filled with terrific people willing to lend an ear, or shoulder if you need. There is also the occasional kick in the butt if needed too....LOL!!!!!

Hi Vicky, welcome to the forum. If your anxiety dissipated for prolonged periods, then chances are you do have PTS. PTS is the same as PTSD symptom wise. The only difference with PTSD though is that once the brain imbalance takes place, often things ramp up and get much worse. You typically do not have periods of good times unless constantly medicated or you have healed through CBT. I would take a guess the reason they have given you PTS at present is because they believe you may of esecaped it based on what you have presented to the doctors. Doctors are not always rights, actually not often when it comes to mental illness, as its an estimated guessing game without a CAT scan.

I would say work through your trauma with your therapist, be very open and honest and see what comes out the other side. If you come out healed, no more pain, you kept no secrets, and you then have no symptoms what so ever, then you know you don't have PTSD. If you come out the other side, same results however; this time you still have symptoms just performing your typical life activities, you would know soon enough as your symptoms will dictate your life, or life will dictate your symptoms more so.

Thank you both for your responses it has made me smile to be heard and validated. Yes Anthony you are right I guess as I have never gone through therapy and experienced my life beyond that. So this will be a telling time - I hope that I have escaped with PTS. It makes sense that the symptoms are the same and that the difference is between a disroder or syndrome. Thanks for that clarification! No secrets will be so hard as I think I still keep some from myself but yees you are right honesty is key and something I have to work at in therapy as denail has been a place that I have lived in for mnay years.
Re: 'She Cat' a kick up the bum - lol!!
Thank you x

Hi Vicki,

I am fairly new to the boards here as well. I can completely relate to the experiences you have in the panic attacks the nightmares, etc....

I also isolated myself from the world, and crashed, there are a lot of other similarities, and I am diagnosed with PTSD.

But really if it is PTSS or PTSD, therapy is the way to work through it, they really are pretty much the same thing.

I was very impressed to read that you are on to University, that would absolutely terrify me at this stage in my life.

Not even close other than symptoms. One is curable, one is not. Whilst you have PTS you have a chance of a normal interactive life within society. If you leave it, if you ignore it, if you simply know no better at the time, you end up with the incurable aspect that makes a physiological change between your left and right brain hemispheres that will affect you the rest of your life. No normal interaction with society every day, no normal work loads, not even close IMHO.

What I get most out of this forum, is that it must be acknowledged that both must be treated. The reason why is this. If someone told me earlier on that I had PTS and showed me what would occur if I didn't start talking, didn't start feeling, instead keeping all my shit inside was only going to give me an incurable mental illness.... I would have opted immediately to open my mouth, stop trying to be a man I thought was in control, and I would have cried like a baby and blurted it all out to a therapist. I honestly wish someone identified me earlier in the peace and forced me into therapy showing me the outcomes if I didn't want to participate. I would have, let me just say that. If I could go back and do it again, I would change so much and open up so much more in order to not obtain this illness.

This forum though recognises the core, where it starts, and that is with PTS. If we can help someone stop it there, stop their life from becoming our lives, I will bend over backwards to help that person avoid this illness to begin with. I am already helping others with PTS achieve this exact thing, as it ensures it stops with them now and they don't end up a permanent member of this forum requiring daily support or having times in their lives they want to continually kill themselves, or have suicidal ideation, anxiety, panic attacks or fighting off depression.

So are they the same? Not even close Waif... not remotely close.

Well it sort of scares me that I may or may not have escaped with PTS. How would I know?
I have suffered with depression etc for so long but refused to be medicated because of the side effects of that. Tried prozoc once and within two days I was totally feeling off the wall, it was like the worst panic attack that I had ever had but with way more convincing feelings that I was going insane - so no meds since then.

I just hope that as I come through therapy that my symptoms do get more manageable - I think that is the worst feeling knowing that I have potentially created this turmoil in psychological terms but find it hard to control it!

I have had so many times in my life when I know that i should feel happy but still feel so utterly alone and crap!

Waif123', you said that Uni would scare you - well it does every day - but I know that I do deserve to have some resemblence of a 'normal' life and I have so much to give. I want to use me experiences to help others so I am aiming to become a child therapist. I have had mitigating circumstances for two exams and two essays this semester as symptoms made me crash again but Uni have supported me and allowed me to have extra time etc etc. It is the first time I have been honest about part of who I am and made sure that I ask for help in order to succeed. Its not easy as I procrastinate a lot about the work I have to do and fear that I am too crap to get the work right or even get the degree! But I seem to get good grades and I think that considering everything I feel and deal with on a daily basis that that feels like some kind of miracle to me.
So miracles can happen if you can believe in them.

Anthony, it makes me cry inside that there are so many people that feel stuck in this place -PTSD hell! Thank you for your words they are full of passion and your truth! I aim to fight this bloody curse and come out the other side. I am fighting, fighting, fighting to have a life that has I feel been robbed from me. I do talk a lot about how I feel now but I still withold certain things - I WILL NOT BOTTLE UP ALL THE SH*T ANYMORE - ITS GOT TO BE OUT OUT OUT!

With love x

Also, I do go through times when I have 'suicide ideation' I live near a river and sometimes think about jumping in - I don't believe I would as I am scared of feeling scared before I die. But when things are tough and all the things that go along with this have got a tight hold of me I just think that not being here would be so much more peacefull! I did tell my ex this once and it really upset him that I felt that crap! On good days I believe that I have now got a future ahead of me.

Its all a bit pants really isnt it - that some of us have such a struggle to enjoy living.

I would like to offer some observations on this reply......

"Not even close other than symptoms."
"So are they the same? Not even close Waif... not remotely close."

In fact.....they are the same thing. Both PTS and PTSD are the psychological and physical reaction to traumatic events. PTS is the foundation of PTSD, one, if untreated leads to the other. PTSD is the more solidified and intractable face of the initial presentation of PTS, once the mind has had time to incorporate it. They are the same thing, only at different stages. I understand what you are trying to say, pointing out the differences in both presentation and symptomatic response, however, as you note yourself, those of PTSD are the effects of PTS left untreated and becoming 'chronic' if you will.

"One is curable, one is not. Whilst you have PTS you have a chance of a normal interactive life within society. If you leave it, if you ignore it, if you simply know no better at the time, you end up with the incurable aspect that makes a physiological change between your left and right brain hemispheres that will affect you the rest of your life. No normal interaction with society every day, no normal work loads, not even close IMHO."

Again, I would take exception to this blanket statement. Saying that PTSD is incurable is I believe both inaccurate and irresponsible. Forget the thought of essentially telling everyone on this board that they have no hope, those who suffer with PTSD are well capable of normal interaction with society, and are well capable of normal work loads with proper treatment. With effort, understanding and an investment in therapy and the desire to do so, this is an illness that can be overcome. It is difficult to be sure given that the nature of PTSD, being psychological in nature, makes it much more difficult to treat. There are no antibiotics for the mind, and everyone is different, there is no single curative or mdeicine to make it go away. It must be worked at individually, and the key to success is different with each and every person. For those that perservere and find their path through, PTSD can be overcome.