I was sexually abused by one of my brothers since I could remember at 7 years old. He is deceased now was killed at 28. His mother-in-law helped in this because he was physcially abusive to her daughter. My concern is that I do not have bad feelings toward him as I do my uncle who sexuallyabused me and my mother for not protecting me when she felt something was not right. My brother was physcially abused from my parents at a very early age. He was older than me but I was told at 3 years old, he was not fully potty trained and my dad would dress him up as a girl for punishment and prance him down the street introducing him as his daughter. At 3 he changed the channel on the tv and my dad through a glass ashtray hitting in the the head. He was taken to the hospital for stitches than after arriving home the cellar door wasn't closed and he fell down the stairs and had to go back to the hospital for more stitches. This was before child abuse laws were in full affect. My question is, why don't I have bad feelings for him after what he did to me? Is it because I had compassion for him for what my parents put him through and understood he had mental problems? I have been in therapy for many years but have told nobody about the lack of not being upset with my brother for what he did to me.
sunnydaze

Hiya sunnydaze
I'm sorry to hear about your trauma. Mine is different so im not sure that i am the right person to answer your question but the possible answer you give seems perfectly reasonable to me. There are however, others here who have been through a similar trauma to you and i am sure they will be more qualified to answer your questions. This site is great in making you feel less alone.

Take care and wishing you great success with your recovery

HI Sunny,

I can't answer for anyone but myself. I too was molested by both of my brothers. One for years, and the other only once. We had a love/hate relationship growing up. There was abuse, and dysfunction in our home for my entire life there. I acted out, and was an angry person. My brothers sought comfort in being mean to me, and my mother took their side even when I told her about the sexual abuse.

We fought a lot, my brothers and I through out childhood, and even into early adulthood. Now as I get older I have NO contact with them, or any member of my family, but I have learned this along the way. My entire family lived in dysfunction, and through abuse. All of us were victims. Do I hate my siblings? No. Do I hate their actions? Yes, but I also had actions through out my life that I also don't forgive myself of. I call it the legacy of abuse/dysfunction.

Sunny, you don't have to hate or have ill feelings towards your abuser. I think maybe you answered your own questions above, but are second guessing yourself. In one aspect you think you should hate it, but your body is saying that you don't hate him. Trust your instincts, not outside influences. Your brain is typically giving you the right emotion at this time. Yes, this may change if you find something that changes it, but obviously as you have clearly outlined above, there are facts outside of his abuse to you which caused the abuse cycle to begin with, which your brain is showing empathy towards him for what abuse he had to endure. It is the abuse cycle, someone is abused themselves so they only know to abuse. It takes quite a lot to break that cycle, a strong person in fact. That says something all by itself if you didn't carry on that cycle.

I had a friend that was abused by her brothers and she didn't have any bad feelings toward them. I believe its because her father did it too, but he was very violent. It is hard to deal with anger when it is your immediate family. Sometimes when talking to others, it seems that when more then one person in someones family abuses an individual, they tend to hate the violent ones, and because they need some type of security, they rely on the others in the family who are less abusive.
When you have very few people in a family to trust, it makes sense to stick close to those less violent and shun the ones that are.
Hope this helps. It basically comes from others I have met with the same problem.

I never took notice before that you are from North Carolina. That is where my brother was killed. Rockingham, N.C. This was in 1974 back than laws were different the sheriff could get away with lots of things. A few years ago I was working in a local tavern and overheard a man talking about this town. I stopped what I was doing and went over to talk with him. He said he knew about my brother and the sheriff had someone else do the dirty work. This was 20 years later. What a small world. Back than my parents tried to hire a lawyer and was told nobody crosses the sheriff just like in the western movies. My brother was my dads favorite. He cried for the 1st time. I was raised with no hugs or kisses. That day I put my arms around my dad and told him I loved him and kissed him on the cheek. My mom got mad and told me to keep my hands off her husband. What a trip! No wonder, I can't truly accept when I am loved.
sunnydaze
sunnydaze

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I don't think there's anything wrong with you for not hating him. I had a lot of anger towards mine but today I don't think about them that much anymore. Although, I am still dealing with those old feelings.