Hi. I just want to say that I read this entire thread and I too am listening. Hang in there and believe that you can get through this. We all have suffered this way at one time or another. Self talk is a really good suggestion, it helps balance out all the negative stuff. Writing helps too.
You are in my thoughts, Morgan

Awww thank yo so much Sunnydaze for offering to lend me your ear.

I identify with you in that it sometimes helps me to help others but you must also make sure that you look after you too. I also widh to offer you my friendship and will help whenever i am able.

I know that i shouldnt be ashamed but i think it is ingrained im my mind now. Cant ever see myself not being ashamed but i hope i can one day.

I have only been here a couple of days and have found the posting so helpful and the information, advice and care overwhelming in a good way.

I am so glad that you have such a wonderful counsellor and i know that it helps to know that they care. I havent had any counselling since the start of november now and was so desperate to speak to someone. However i only have 6 sessions with this counsellor and know that i wont be either much better or cured by then. It doesnt give much time at all to develop a proper realtionship with her unfortuanltely. But i will jsut have to try and take each day, each hour, each minute as it comes and cross that bridge when it comes to it. Maybe by the end of the 6 sessions i will have been assigned an NHS counsellor. Which will mean starting all over again but as i say - take each minute as it comes.

i have never been able to look any counsellor in their eyes fro maore than a second or two so i know where you are coming from. I have always wondered if not looking my counsellors in the eyes made them think that i was lying as lack of eye contact can sometimes demonstrate lack of honesty. I have always thought they might think this of me because 2 doctors and a Samaritans phone counsellor have doubted me. That did me so much harm. Maybe i should tell my new counsellor that this is not the case and that it is purely becasue i am so ashamed. I know what she will say though. she will just tell me that i have no reason to be. But putting that into practice is ever so hard. As is ridding my self of the guilty feelings and self hated.

Maybe one day.

Sending you my thanks por your post Morgan.

i know you are right in saying that i can get through this as i have no other option. but the journey is ever so hard. Guess you know that though as do others. I jsut sometimes feel so very alone with all of this. But your post and those of others have made me realise that i am definitely not alone in having these feelings. And im not alone now that i realise that people can actually be so caring and understanding. this is probably the first time i have experienced people who care and understand what it is like at the same time. The amount of replies proves that. I have experienced the odd person who has cared but not really understood no matter how much they tried to or wanted to but have never had people understand me like this. I feel i am "home" on this site and most definitely not alone.

I will try to keep up the writing of my trauma diary as i know it is something i need to do although, again it will be ever so hard. my counsellor has set me homework of trying to get as much of it down as i am able to for next wednesday. She has also asked me to try and face up to the flash backs of some of the lass painful flash backs. I'm going to try and do this but today it wont be possible. just too hard. Maybe i will give it a go tomorrow. Just cant take anymore of what i have been through this afternoon right now. I'm sure you understand how that goes though.

Again thank you for your care, support and hugs

Dont forget though that i offer you my friendship and support too.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((morgan)))))))))))))))))) )))))

I sought help one day after skipping stones, I was asking myself, what is the positive to ptsd, hyper vigilance, non-trust, no closeness etc etc etc all negatives. I had gotten extremely angry and irritated, I usually solve my own problems.
I went to a place and ask a friend, what is the benefit to my past? He asked did I ever let anyone do what they did? , Of course a resounding and immediate No! flew out of my mouth. I was told by him, no one can ever take from you, what you did not give.
I said to him, yes but as an adult I do have sex. He said, yes sex, you don't know how to make love, you were never taught.
I asked him, so what you are saying is I am still a virgin? He said yes.
It was a bandaid I needed more then anything in my life at that moment.
I walked away a recognized virgin, and from that point on, it mattered who I had sex with.
Born again virgin,
Donna-Lynne

hi sorry to hear you going through tough time ,came across number this morning 24 hour ptsd helpline 01788 560800 if it might be any help,am in uk too .all the best with everything.
Ruth

Hi I just wanted you to know that I hear you, and I'm listening.
You have received so much helpful advice and support here.
Try not to beat yourself up. I think you did an amazing job telling your counsellor everything. Wow! No wonder it knocked you for six.
I don't have any wise words (probably because I'm still a mess myself), but I'm listening.
You are making so many steps to help yourself - I think you are doing great, under very difficult circumstances.
Take good care

cherryblossom

If you are not in to the bath thing there are shower disks. I have not tried them, but they do promise the same aroma therapy a bubble bath offers.

Personally I think you need to be blunt with hubby, but that is just me, I do not know your home life. I sucked it up and was and said this is what I need. He also did not read (at least not in front of me) my post its. He respected my boundaries. You did marry him. Maybe he deserves a little trust? If anyone our spouse deserves a fighting chance, they can surprise you, I do know that!

hiya whiltewolf
Thanks so very much for your reply and it means a lot. I hear what you are saying and im so glad that you fell like that now - u deserve to feel better. I just feel like i did allow him to do what he did. I had a choice to make - allow it or die. So i chose to allow him to do it. Does that make sense? I feel awful for having allowed him to do that and i feel that it wiuld have been better to choose the other option. I know that sounds awful but its how i feel. Just feel like damaged goods. I made decissions that were so bad in hindsight and i wish i could change them but i cant. And that saddens me unbelievably. However, I will live in hope that one day i will feel the way you do about this. Thank you ever so much for letting me see that it is possble. Means an awful lot. Take care

Wow Ruth. i didnt even know there was such a thing. Saving it in my phone right now for times of crisis. Might call them later today. Thank you so very much. Take good care of yourself.

Hiya cherryblossom
You are right in saying that i have received so much great help from people here. I'm not used to it at all but im so glad that people on this site are such wonderful people. So this is a big thank you to everyone who has posted. Cant put how grateful i am into words properly though. Thank you all for understanding - i know you do and now dont feel alone with this.
Cherry you say you dont have any words of wisdom but you have already proved otherwise. Please know that.
I know i shouldnt beat myself up about things but i guess its a habit i have got into - a hard one to break - but i really will try my best not to becasue its not a nice feeling.

As for doing well at helping myself - it doesnt feel like it but i know its what i have to do to have a chance at any sort of a normal life. So no matter how hard - ill keep on hacking away at it.

Make sure you take care too