Thanks for all the words of hope and all the advice you have given me. I know you are right about me letting hubby in and im going to try to do that more - starting when he sets home from lunch - going to try and be brave enough to tell him about this site and that i think it would do both of us good for him to come here and join if he wants to. He definitely deserves the trust - i love him more than anything. Its not fair of me to not let him in and i really want to. Its just ever so hard. Here's hoping i dont chicken out.
Take lots of care of you

Mightsurvive,
I hate to say this, but many people did the same as me, let me share. I picked a very dirty type person and let him screw me, I cried the whole time, but "I" let him, he did not take me. For some reason afterwards, after meaning about a week of feeling incredibly dirty, it did give me empowerment. I would never do it again, but it helped.
Others I've spoke to say pretty much the same.
He, did not take you, you did not allow him to, and you are clean.
Touching the body by force is awful, but he never touched your soul, just screwed up your mind. Unfortunately we are getting screwed over and over because of flashbacks, and it has the feeling that "they" the abusers are always winning.
However, they are the screwed up ones, and many will never see the afterlife, for which I am eternally glad to know I will not have to spend eternity with them, just this one little life.
But he never ever touched your soul. It's as clean and pristine as the day you were sent down from God, (hopefully you do believe in God, though I can't wait to have a one on one with him and straighten shyt out with him, lol) and your soul will eternally shine in love and beauty.
You can take as many baths or showers as you wish, your dirt of yesterday exists solely in your mind now, not in your body. Try taking candles and soft music and do a ritual, indian style, native american that is, I am a shaman in the Cree nation and my name is White Wolf, burn some incense or sage, and pray that your mind understands that you are not dirty, that your soul, and that is what matters in life, is a clean today as it has always been.
Yes, I had my dirty feeling days long ago, and I am thankful they are gone. Each flashback I had, kind of purged the dirty feeling, anger took its place. I have hit many a punching bag with many faces to purge alot of my anger, walked twenty miles or more in rage to rid myself of anxiety due to over adrenalinized anger, and finally got myself to realize, they are the dirty ones. Tarnished souls that will never ever be cleansed, and I am glad.
Write me a privately in here if you want and maybe I can help you start to feel clean. I know the feeling, I would pop every zit, (still do) because the first popped one reminded me of semen coming out of me.
Other then your pores, your sweat and your every day grime of a dusty world, after a good shower, you are clean in body, and will forever be...
Try this technique and let me know how it turns out. With deep concern, dljwhitewolf

Hiya Whitewolf
I thak you ever so much for your reply and it is now strating to make a little more sense to me, however I think that it is going to take an awful long time to make what the theory I believe into positive feelings and emotions. I know i'm not dirty in theory but i still feel like that inside. Still feel the shame and the guilt. I am currently at work - I cant believe i didnt chicken out after how awful i was feeling last night - so i will private message you when I get home.
I do believe in God but i am also scared of him. I have been told that God can only give love and will never punish him but i cant handle believing that. I really cant. All i want is for God to show me a sign that retribution will come for what he has done. This is one of my major issues. I so need to believe that God will punish him, and others like him because this is completely unforgiveable. I also need to have a sign that he is going to punsih him but i dont think i will ever receive that sign.

Anyway, I will contact you later today. And thank you ever so much for your wonderful post and for making me feel a little better.

Take care

Ephesians in the bible

it says we will not speak of what they do here, meaning the vulgar words of what pedophiles rapist etc., but to shine light on those hiding in the darkness.
If you see someone doing wrong, shine light on them, bring it to their or someone elses attention, (but the recourse is, if you were abused, and told not to tell, and then shown what would happen if you did tell, becareful for mental retribution. The mind remembers the threat, so telling even to a therapist, may bring out nightmarish feelings. Understand that it is the sub-conscious responding to the threat of telling and the threat to yourself and others, though also tell yourself, that no one can harm you now.)
and let them know you see them doing wrong in their darkness. It says there are two paths, the light and the dark path that run side by side, and in the end it says, that is why it is said, awake oh sleeper, and let the light shine on you.
In other words, most pricks would never want to go to the light, like dracula, they cringe, so all the bastards will be going to hell.
Hurray! And yes Virginia, there is justice, and a santa claus.
Hope that helps too!!!!

Hiya rt1967

I cant say thank you enough for that helpline number. i rang tham today and it might be the only help i can get that specialises in ptsd. Theres nothing near where i live.

I'm sure you know this but this information might help others too. They offer free telephone counselling specialising in ptsd. They also have a drop in centre although i will be using the help line as i dont live near the centre. Either you can call them or they will arrange a time for them tocall you each week. They also have a website at: http://www.traumatic-stress.freeserve.co.uk/webstart.htm and http://www.ptsduk.co.uk/index.html

Again rt1967, cant thank you enough

Take care