Everyone, I need a swift kick in the butt, please. This nonsense has got to stop. I am having one of those moments where if I don't laugh, I am gonna cry. Why? Because today I finally feel like I've recovered from my last shift at work and I have to go to work again tonight. Whaaahh, I know. It's not so much that I am anticipating having to deal with death and dying. Although it is a very real possibility, it is an emergency room. Mostly, it's because how I felt on Monday morning is now sitting just below the surface. I've tried relaxation, meditating, and hitting the punching bag this afternoon. And now I am requesting one giant kick in the butt! No kind words of encouragement. No little pat on the rear with a "go get 'em tiger." How about something more like...Semper Fi, Do or Die. Suit up and show up. Quit whining and get your butt to work. Don't let it win. Lock it up. Get it gear. Or I will just settle for one kick----->in the rear. Or one with a bigger wind up, kick------------>in the rear. Don't be gentle folks. You can't hurt me, just your keyboard. Thanks, I feel better now that I have reached out for help. Chat with you later.

I too had witnessed many a death, the way I see it was they were lucky that I was there to bless their spirit and gain enterance into the pearly gates. Someone has to do that, too. Seems I was born to bury, don't care too much for it, but I do the best job possible.

Ahhh, I am feeling much better now. After a bit of a rough start, work is going along smoothly. Excuse the twisted humor, at times I find it helpful not to take myself too seriously. It worked, I made it to work without becoming unglued. Hoorah, progress! I'll take whatever small steps foward I can get these days.

Way to go!

Maybe you need to re-evaluate your choice off work?

I was also a medical person, and you have to have a great twisted sense of humor to endure it. I used to call the doctors office and get the ditzy receptionist and always ask her weird things like, " I have a small razor stuck in my teeth, I tried to get a peice of steak out and it broke off, the only problem is I keep cutting my tongue and bleeding, do you think I should wait to get it removed tomorrow, there is a really good concert I want to go to tonight, you know, Steppin Wolf is playing at My Father's Place, and I would feel horrible if I missed it. I will try not to put my tongue on that side of my teeth, but their songs are really good and I might cut it more singing along, but I should be okay, What do you think?" and she would say, well go to the concert then. Ditz. Or since she always misfiled results, I would ask her to look in a file I knew and get out the results for v.d. test, I need to know cause I got a hot date, knowing full well it wouldn't be there. She'd come back on the line and say, no, it didn't come back yet, so I would ask does she think I should have sex with or without a condom, he is so hot I really don't want to use one, and she of course, in her abundant knowledge of nothing would say, do whatever you think is right!
Well, I am so glad to hear you had a good day, my fear is usually before doing something, and I work myself up for nothing. Sounds like you did too.
Keep up the humor, and congrats!!!

What a F***in' roller coaster ride. I can laugh now, but not yesterday. Again, I found myself not wanting to go to work. No, it's not so much that I am having that anticipatory anxiety of having to do CPR. I have been much, much better about that. Last night, I went in a couple hours late. I had to stop crying before I went in. I don't know why I was crying. All I know is that I felt the same as I did after waking up from really bad dream in November. In my dream, I admitted that I too was sad and upset about the death of a child I did CPR on. When I awoke, I felt this harrowing sadness. That's how it felt last night. I knew in November when I asked my doc to sit with me as I sat with those overwhelming feelings, that it was going to get worse before it got better. Kind of like entering a crucible and put into the fire to come out of it stronger, more refined, etc. Since exploring those feelings with the doc is much too threatening, I am here. (laughing at my distrust of the doc) Yes, I am feeling worse because I am trying to look at my feelings about these patients.

I do believe recovery is possible. My life experience is evidence enough for me. I do believe I will not be the same as I was before- I am forever changed by these current experiences. I have to go get my car fixed so I don't have another panic attack driving. Thanks everyone for being here, it has helped me quite a bit. Have a good day.

I know death is hard, I seem to have been ordained the burier. I have had many die before me, the way I see it now, they were lucky to have me, because I did pray over their bodies. I did ask God to forgive them, I did bring comfort and peace to them before their death.
I too held a baby, but very tightly, I smothered it to die. I was abused in a satanic cult, and they cut the baby out, the mother was so drugged she had her hand in her stomach looking at me, I was only four I guess, and giving me the eyes like I shouldn't be feeling my insides, eventually even thru her drugged stupor, she realized, it wasn't good.
I gave her loving eyes, as they placed the baby in my arms and said to make it breath, I quickly said I would, (I am an indian shaman, please don't squeeze the shaman), so that I could keep looking into her eyes, and giving her peace before she left her body.
While doing that, I never let the infant take its first breath, I made it look like I was rocking it, but I was preventing it from breathing at all.
I knew she would be placed on an altar and destroyed one way or another, why let her breathe when she could just follow her mother and be in a place of peace and eternal love, why wake her body, when she would never know its true gift, but the hell that does exist down here.
I never regretted ever doing that for that baby, nor the other things I had to do. In a place of evil, God shun the light on me, and made me able to do things I look back on now and think how the hell could I have handle that so maturely, but I don't handle the flashbacks maturely at all. I want to be a crying child who never got to cry or feel sorry for herself.
You gave that child hope that there was a humane person on this planet. Your touch comforted that child in ways you will never understand.
Anyone who died in my prescence was free, I gave them that. I will accept that credit.
We do not control life, that's Gods job, and thank goodness for that. He made these fools down here, I often say, thank God their yours, God, and not mine.
But it takes a very gifted person to be there for when they about to get their wings.
You were chosen, of sorts, not only to save, but to let go.
Because I am a shaman, and worked closely with a real doctor, trained fully, given compassion from God, and the talent, we had a spanish little baby come in.
I knew what was wrong immediately. After the baby was finished getting looked at I said his last name without the Dr. He knew me enough to know I meant business, I said I will take the last test, and bring the baby out to its parents, so he made them leave.
I held that baby and made the same painful eyes she showed, slowly I started to ease my eyes of pain and she followed with me. Eventually I got her to smile and then laugh.
Finally it was time to give her back to her parents.
The mother acted like I was an angel, and grabbed my arm, talking spanish to her husband and then they both started touching me and thanking me.
I said to them that do not look at the baby with sadness, she will see it and be sad.
I said only look at the baby with love and happiness.
They said they would and left.
The doc was so wigged out he asked me to come into an empty room to talk.
He said okay what was all that about.
I said she has a mushroom size cap tumor on her brain. Her parents are trying to make her stay, and she didn't know what to do.
I gave her her freedom, told her it was okay thru my eyes to go, then told the parents not to look at the baby sad, they were forcing her to feel her pain, now she can let go of it.
He said I just order that test.
I said so when will it be ready.
He said in two weeks.
I said well get back to me in two weeks.
I'll take my payment now for services rendered.
He asked what that was.
I said a cigarette, be back in about five min. he laughed.
Two weeks later he confirmed my dianosis.
But she died happy, see?
Just born to bury,,,,

I too am a 24 year veteran in emergency medicine as a paramedic. I remember looking in the eyes of some of the ones I lost and thinking "man, 15 minutes ago they were laughing and living an everyday life." I would always say a prayer for the codes, especially the kids & infants. I would dread going to work and at the same time I knew I needed to be there because I was good at my job and I gave a damn about my patients. It takes it's toll though. Think about it, we usually see people at their very worst. By the time they are cleaned up, propped up and smiling again, we are long out of the picture. So very,very few ever came back or wrote to say thanks. Caregiver burnout is rampant, & understandably so. We KNEW what it meant to see that agonal rhythm on the monitor and that someone living's life is fixing to rapidly fall apart because now someoneis dead. We can't help but think of the pain we are going to be seeing very soon. But then,..... we do our job because we are able to make a difference in some small way. Aside from being competent providers, we are very human and know the power of a smile or a caring hand. We go to work for the successes, not the failure's and pray they are always the higher stats in the end. You are most definitely allowed to be tired and frustrated & even depressed, but if it starts to become a burden, then make a move professionally. You must also survive the trauma's. I did not practice what I am now preaching & Ipay the toll for it. I remember all too well the
wrecks, fires, senseless murders, and total innocents. I visit them in my dreams routinely. How ironic it is that the survivors I know I helped by simply being in the right place at the right time do not visit me in my dreams..... I further hid from other traumas in my life by working additional shifts. After a while I got to where I could handle a strangers trauma with precision and complete compassion, but I could not even sit with my own thoughts for five minutes.
You don't need a kick, you need a hand. A trememdous pat on the back & a thousand thank you's for all the little things you think no one knows about. You know, covering a sleeping patient with a blanket, double checking on a scared family member & holding their hand,..... I know you've done it all. You probably wouldn't be here if you were not a compassionate person. Just remember to lend yourself some of that compassion. You deserve it and you NEED it. The saying,"First, do no harm" applies to you too. Take care of yourself. No kicks from me, just a pat on the shoulder from a street medic who should have taken her own advise. You have every right to be here. You have earned your stripes.
LOL, Tracie

Hi Tude,

I would like to repeat what Anthony said, "Maybe you need to re-evaluate your choice of work".

I've spent about 20yrs of my 30yr nursing career as a Critical care nurse. I resigned from my permanant position 4yrs ago and started working there casual. I found it extremly difficult to get myself to work, & I beat my self up about it every time! I did not realise how sick I was & I was just making myself worse.I've seen more than enough death,dying & suffering.

As nurses we think we should be able to just do it and keep doing it, because we have seen and done it before. But we are human like everybody else and the constant stress on our nervous system is immense.

I still have my job but haven't worked for 15mths. I have decided to resign and retire completely from nursing. My registration is due and I won't be renewing it.

Take care Tude