Lisa, thank you for what you've written...and thank you to everyone who is willing to speak out about self-harm.

These posts are so courageous and honest.

I've come to realize that every seemingly "crazy" act ultimately makes sense. My own rage became self-directed when I was about 12 years old -- and went on for about 25 years. Miraculously, when I started to take Paxil in 1996, the violent self-attacks abated almost completely. My doctor has been so understanding...we have discussed brain injury and damage done to the brain centers that modulate impulse and emotion...I had tried just about every therapy and trick in the book to stop attacking myself; many agonies were quieted and understood over the years -- but not the sudden frenzies to beat and slice at myself. The medication, after 15 years of therapies, was (and continues to be) a gift. I work and work with my mind and thoughts...to lay off persistent and more subtle habits of self-harm like smoking, undereating, and isolation...

I have been able to share what I've seen as my most revolting secret -- the self-attacks -- with a couple of wonderful therapists, a few intimate friends, and my husband. There is nothing more healing than to be heard and still accepted with such an admission. I probably have to remain on the meds for the rest of my life...and that is fine with me. I was once quite skeptical about pharmaceuticals until I worked with some people who lived with schizophrenia and other disorders. I witnessed some miracles...and it was afterwards that I could consider such help myself.

A trade-off, I guess, is that I don't emote/feel much of anything now. I don't feel doped -- just blunted. I regret this...but I cannot return to the violent emotions that used to blast out of me...including the horrible shame that flooded me like a stain of black tar.

But it all makes sense in the long term; that's what I've learned...that's what allows me to be at peace with what I used to do to myself. It's been a long journey to understanding.

It all makes sense, given what we have endured.

Lisa,

Wow! You write so eloquently and from the heart. You are a brave girl and an inspiration!

You have helped me today. I understand what you speak of from a different level. I self-harmed when I was young, caused myself injuries. And I guess I have self harmed in other ways since those times. As you have expressed its about finding another way to release the pain and block out that which you feel is causing the distress in the first place.

You should be proud of yourself :-)

Thank you Lisa!

Spirit x

Lisa,

Your post was so touching, not simply because you're an excellent writer and were able to help others here, but because there was an air of relief in your communication, because the reader felt a release of the author's self.

I've never self-harmed but can relate to the pain/awakening aspect of the experience. I have three tattoos, one on the top of my foot that wraps around my toe, up my foot and then around my ankle. Getting a tattoo on your foot is one of the most painful places to get one, right up there with getting one on your head. It felt so good to me. All of my tattoos felt good as I was getting them. Anyway, not the same, but I get the release.

Thanks for posting this Lisa.

Best,
Rachel

for me it was a vicious cycle of cutting then feeling shame for cutting leading to more cutting or self harm in other ways. I get the part about cutting in other places to hide it, my safe place is on my stomach by my rib cage on each side, not too proud of that either. I guess it has been about 7 months since I really cut. I did take a pair of scissors 2 days ago and press it deep against my arm but I didn't move it or slice at it I just pressed it. It left a mark but it went away in a day or so. Strange, but it actually feels really good, not painful at all. I hate it though.

While I've never really done self-harm on any large scale, (well, besides the eating disorder, but I think that was for other reasons), when I was in high school I did burn myself with a cigarette a couple of times. I never knew why I did it--always kind of thought that maybe I was just curious about how it would feel. I NEVER talked to anyone about it though; I have always been too embarassed, and since it was only a couple of times, I figured it wasn't a big deal or anything.

After reading the initial post as well as the replies, it makes me feel a bit more normal and that perhaps there was a reason that I did this, and I wasn't just being "stupid" or "crazy."

It's hard to share the meaning and feelings of self harm. I have been struggling with self harm for years and still return to it in the bad times. It is so hard to ditch as a coping strategy because I feel satisfied or complete when I self harm. I have cut privately, control my intake (at one time anorexic for two years), and tried to commit suicide. You would think after surviving extreme abuse in many forms for multiple years and ages, you would have had enough.

I stop for long periods and then I hit a dive and to come up for air I cut or stop eating or sleeping. Go figure ...

I feel like this is so private and my own personal war I don't share it with my therapist. I guess I should. ANY OPINIONS ON THIS?

My therapist does know to some extent but allows me to control how much of it we discuss. She does help me figure out ways to sometimes get the same relief without such damage. My main thing for it is because it is pain (if i can feel it at all) and blood that I cause - my choice, no one did it to me this time...

This is a wonderful wonderful thread.

Thanks Lisa for being so honest and sharing. Thanks to all of you for your sharing.

Occassionally there are times when I feel more comfortable discussing my sh issues here. But, I have come to a point where I need to sit back and read others' postings and try to start sorting mine out.

I "pretend" that what I am doing is fine-but I know I am on collision course.

I hope this thread continues with more input-as I find it very interesting.

Thanks to all

I think that self harm has many faces....Anorexia, bulimia, cutting, burning, overeating, over exercising, suicide attempts, over dosing, drinking, drugs, to name a few..... IMO....They are just lousy coping skills that we get caught up in because we don't know or haven't been taught healthy coping skills. It becomes habit, second nature, and hard to stop. But like all bad habits, we can change them, stop them or alter them so they are not as harmful. It just takes time and patience, and as we all know *Change* with all of us is difficult, but no impossible... JMO!!!!!

Cutting and burning are the "fast food" of coping skills. I have done it to make the pressure in my head go away, because I hated myself for being weak, and to stop the internal pain. I was talking with my sister the other day, we are trying to quit smoking, and we both thought that the smoking was an extended suicide attempt.
Again, thank you forum, I thought my reasons were so internal, n obody else was this f***ed up. I can't tell all of you how much I thank you for telling your stories.