Thank you for serving Tactman... I appreciate it.

Here is a letter I wrote to the woman I am totally in love with, she moved on because of my military career but later told me she would have done anything and waited however long. This is my story....

It was amazing to get to talk to you on the phone for so long today. I have to admit, when we first started talking it wasnt the *** I was used to. I want you to know something, I do love you and your babies. I dream the dream that one day we will be able to move to the western coast of Australia. I can't imagine what it would be like to wake up every morning watching the sun slowly move across your body. I imagine what it would be like to watch all the kids playing in the surf.

It's not a reality tho. Even if it is a false one I think about it more than you know. In all reality you are totally stuck. It kills me that your not with someone who is your soul mate. It kills me that I know what my fate is. There is no escaping it. Im one of 4 of the originial 12 of my assigned team. All the others have been KIA. Ive accepted this. The other night when *** was laying on me and playing with my hands she asked me why my hands, arms, chest, and neck were all "messed up". How do you answer that? ** is ***, he is so smart. He already knows what he wants to be when he grows up. This is hard.

I know we had always agreed on religion, this may come as a suprise to you, parts of me believes in some form of afterlife. I've been in some of the most horrendous firefights on this earth. Something, someone told me to look or move to another location and when I would do that a RPG would hit where I was at seconds before. I want to believe my guys are in heaven and all of them haven't died in vain. I want to believe in God more than you know. I pray now. I pray everyday for you, for you to find your way, for you to find yourself. I pray for my family, and my guys.

Here is the catch 22. What if what we are doing is wrong and the insurgents are fighting the actual battle of God. What if we are the enemy the bible speaks of? Are we all condemned to Hell no matter what we stand for or believe in.

I heard a Linkin Park song today on the radio, it hit home for me. See what you think,

What I've Done, Linkin Park

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

[Pre-Chorus:]
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

[Chorus:]
I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

Put to rest

What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!

[Chorus]

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done


I wish I could do this. I wish I could erase who and what I have become. I wish I could go back in time and know that you were serious about moving out of Florida. I would have moved you and the girls in a heart beat. At the time all of this went down I couldn't handle how everything was going down. I wanted to die, I didn't care how. I know Ive told you all this before. I came to Iraq to end the anguish. To end the nightmares. It just won't happen.

As hard as this is for me to say, you deserve someone so much better than me. I know I will never beat my Thanatos or PTSD. There will always be someone our government wants killed and I'll be the first to volunteer to go. I wake up in the middle of the night in the middle of a flashback, I'll wake up holding my rifle moving through where I am staying. How can that be a safe place to raise a child. They would know I love them, I think they know that know. Your mother knows how I feel about you and the girls which is why she asks about me. She knows we should be together. I know we should, you do too. The sad thing is, I just know it will never happen.

Our song, you know the song. Im beyond saving. I wish you could find true happiness, you deserve so much more than what you have now. You deserve to feel true love, not just being with someone who needs you more than loves you. Anyway, it's late. Im going to drive back home in a few hours and Im going to call you. I hope we talk again after this, if not in this lifetime then another. I wish I could have been there for you, I love you.........

Tactman - i am glad you made it back safely.

Hi everyone, I'm a 50 year old high school science teacher. I was a research scientist turned teacher. I have a 22 year old daughter who also is becoming a teacher this year. I divorced my abusive husband when she was two. I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse from outside the family. I was diagnosed with PTSD and BPD 4 years ago when I attempted suicide. Since then I have come so far at expressing my feelings. For inner peace I try to focus on my creativity through art therapy, beading, and writing. I love to read and sit in the woods.

This year I would like to start taking better care of myself physically by eating better and exercizing. I plan to take the summer off from teaching for the first time in years and take a real break for 8 weeks.
It will be a challenge not to become a hermit, which I do on week ends. I also am the caretaker of my 86 yo mother who still can live independently :). For the first time in over 20 years I am receptive for a relationship but don't have a clue where to begin since I have never had a "normal" one. This scares me to death.

ok here goes..suffering ptsd/bpd/ocd/bipolar/adhd/fibromyalgia/anxiety/stress/chronic depression and a few others i forgot..highly inteligent,but fcuked in the head..im from the n.s.w. highlands australia...47yo ex truckie..ex smoker..ex alcoholic..ex biker...ex member of society...married with 3 kids.sometimes im scared of my own shadow..sometimes i explode in violence.
im constantly trying new hobbies..usualy mastering them quickly before walking away and forgeting them totaly,although guitar is a constant challenge/therapy...i think outside the square and my mechanical expertise is in demand,although im agorophobic nowdays and couldnt bother....have no technical training..completely self taught but offered work in engineering..metal fabrication and the timber industry...i only work by myself and find logging and firewood my best option..but only a few months a year if i feel up to it.
i cant relate to others ,even family and dont have any emotions/attachment with my siblings or wifes friends.i do everything at 110% and wont except any less from anyone..hence i only work alone.im totaly monogamous and violent towards any threat/potential suiter for my wife...i trust no one..no one!...im a pretty sad case i suppose,but im stuck with it.i have some psychic ability ,but who believes anyone like me...i cant make eye contact with strangers..prefering not to meet anyone.i freak people out..not intentionaly...cannot converse with others..computers have opened up a whole new world to me....i give free fire wood to pensioners and free cancer treatment information to sufferers...those who believe can survive...most dont believe...they die!

My name is Terri,

I 'grew-up' in San Jose, CA. Moved at 9 to eastern OR. No memories prior to 9, then just hiding out in the alfalfa fields, under the spruce with the owls as my only friends, and hiding on top of a roof with a knife, ready to kill myself. So those are most of my 'conscious' memories.

Left home at 14, my mom abandoned me to an older sister, then she and her husband kicked me out for sleeping with a boyfriend after only 4 months of being there. Lived on the streets for a few weeks, got a job at a drive-in and lived in the projection room. No one really cared, 5 older brothers and sisters said I made my bed.......years later, they still blame me for something?

Managed to get to school. Have degrees in Math and Biology. I'm a biologist now, working in the PNW, Snohomish, but keep getting abusive bosses, sexual harassment........the whole nine works. Never been safe at work.

Moved to Durango, CO and Taos, NM with my 'teacher' to work with another spiritual teacher. My teacher ended up abusing me. I had a complete breakdown while managing a hotel in CO. Don't remember driving back to Seattle at all. Scary.

Now, in between jobs, doing therapy, waiting for SSD. Developed Fibro in 1996, horrible pain, paralysis, bed-ridden with no help.
Every boyfriend has been my Dad, the triggering making me insane.

Finally committed to healing. Looking for work. Two real suicide attempts, but I don't want to give up. I want to help to save nature. I adore nature. I adore God, I meditate and believe, even with all the crap.

I'll be 43 this year, and have a lot of hope my life can finally begin.

Ter

Hi, Terri - pleased to "meet" you.

Hi I'm a researcher and I live in Canada. I'm not married, no kids but would love both at some point in the future.

I've repainted my childhood as happy, though it was a bit bumpier than that in reality. Although I was never diagnosed I think I probably was depressed, and certainly had suicidal preoccupations! Although my parents didn't know the latter, I'm thankful for them, when I had doubts I never doubted that they loved me, and I think that made a world of difference. In any case, I survived and by the end of secondary school was happy with myself and my life.

Ten or so years later I had a string of traumas, armed robbery, multiple sexual assaults, and a few things I still don't have words for. I thought I got through everything unscathed because I was physically unharmed, I realise now that I am 'scathed' after all, just in a different way.

Getting better is a real priority for me. I love my life and I want to be back fully in it! I love being involved in my community and it's been hard for me to find myself so restricted in terms of what I am able to do, how much rest I need, how long it takes me to do things, how many things upset me. I also feel like there is a barrier between me and other people that I long to tear down.

This is a longer battle that I expected but I have to believe I'm going to win this one.

My name is Jackie and I am 37 years old. I grew up in Washington State (Seattle). I never went far from here until 97 when I moved to Michigan. I moved back in 03 and was suprised at how much I missed home.

My father died when I was 10 (bedridden as long as I knew him), my mother was an alcoholic/drug addict who also suffered from PTSD. Childhood was not very pleasant.

I have 4 amazing kids - my son who is almost 20 (good lord where did the years go - he was a baby last week) lives with his dad in Colorado. My girls who are 13, 11, and 10 live in Michigan with their adoptive family.

I have been in 3 abusive relationships which cost me everything that most people would consider important (my girls being at the top of the list). I don't plan on ever walking that path again.

I am currently dating a wonderful man. We started out as roommates and somewhere along the line fell in love. No quite sure how that happened but I feel like I have been blessed by the Goddess herself. We share our apt with one dog (Jerron aka Bear ), four ferrets (Luna, Monster, Smokey and The Bandit) and a boa constrictor (Jazz).

We are hoping to move into a rental house when our lease is up in July and then in maybe a year find some little piece of land and buy. I am not much fond of the city and dream of some little house out of town.

I love to read (books were my safe place when I was a kid) and gardening is a great joy. I love the Earth and when I put my hands in the dirt I can feel all life that came before and all that will come.

I would love to go back to school although I have no idea what it would be for. I have taken care of others for as long as I can remember and somewhere along the line lost most of my dreams. But the time will come.

I need to exorcise more and eat better...

Well that is about all I can think of right now. Maybe something else will come to me later.

P.S. Teri I am in Redmond and my boyfriend grew up in Snohomish...we are practically neighbors.

I love this thread! Eventually, I will contribute too-just need some time. But it is wonderful meeting all of you!

nor