Like I've said before, when I'm feeling like just a physical receptical, I stop immediately.
Yes, I discuss my problem, and things have worked out, or if it didn't, I quickly put on my walking shoes.
Single again in NC, and that's just fine with me....lol
Donna-Lynne

And, worrying about it as an issue may be worsening the problem.

So I'm wondering if a couple of steps might help matters:

One would be to improve communications, perhaps by keeping open diaries about each of your perspectives on this issue; and/or having a weekly review / open talk session scheduled, just about this issue [it's tiring to have something that's ongoing and irregular, scheduling a discussion for a definite time is more orderly and can be far less wearing on both of you].

Two might be to have some sort of clear 'warning system' or 'safety valve' that would give you advance notice of when he's seeing this as disturbing enough that it's really getting to him. It's the "not knowing" that tends to get to us, and we tend to worry too much, perhaps figuring that's safer than worrying too little.

Hmm, I don't know, maybe this sounds ridiculous, but perhaps a relationship scoring system by both of you, perhaps just jotted on a calendar, as to how either of you feel the relationship as a whole is doing from time to time, perhaps scored between 1 to 100, with say, '70' being a solid pass.

You're right in that if he doesn't manage regular enough sexual release with you, eventually (months? years?) that'll end up being a huge deal that could well contribute largely to his leaving. And yes, 'progress' in your recovery is likely to stir up sensitivities (hopefully transient), that will interfere with you two.

Perhaps there's an alternative activity the two of you could practice in the meantime that would suffice to ride over this rough patch, like heavy petting or activities just not quite so close to the earlier trauma.

For the male, sexual release is simpler, and just ejaculating in a fun fashion might soon enough suffice and be perceived as 80-90% as good as the real thing, (or not -- it would help if he understood the reasoning, and that it's an interim approach). It would be a major switch, but what helps here with us is that a novel approach has merit and can be exciting for it's own sake, which helps to transition such an approach. What the heck, you might even combine it with some 'novelties' (like a wig or a French maid outfit and perhaps 'toys'). Worth a try, imo.

Don

same boat, here. let me know if you find a magic answer. it is important to tell your husband about your feelings, so he doesn't feel rejected.
cathy

Thank you Don

What you have said and suggested is ever so true. I want to give those ideas a go. I really do. But I'm so bad at opening up to anyone. I tried to open up to him last week and it didnt go well at all so the thought of opening up even more to him just makes me want to say "no - no way".

Maybe that is something that will change with time though. I really do hope so. It's just not an option right now unfortunately. But I will flag this post and look at it when one day I am feeling more confident about talking to him so please know that I am ever so grateful for your ideas and comments. It means a lot. Especially to hear it from a man's perspective.

Thanks again and take care.

It makes a lot of sense. I'm dealing with that as well, in that I don't want intimate relationships because it might bring up memories of past abuse.

heres some thoughts, not communicating leads to unknown things which in turn leads to doubts and fears, you need communication, feeling rejected unwanted or feeling like being attracted to your partner is somehow a problem can all be feelings that come up when your partners are working through the things they have to deal with when you are going through things, the best way forward is communication talking and understanding, sex isnt just about a physical release, it also involves a fair bit of closeness, all i can say is talk to your partner about the troubles you are having, if they can understand what is going on it makes a big difference, knowing that the reaction they may see and what you are going through dont mean they are being rejected can mean a lot, staying close but working together to understand what is going on is something that will help, hiding it and saying nothing only makes it harder to talk about and to communicate what is going on, and also a lack of communication leads to more problems and fears.
just a few thoughts.

Hiya Cathy

Sorry to hear your in the same boat. Hard isnt it (rhetorical question). Its good to know that I'm not the only one who has this problem. Not that I thought I was for a minute. You never are on this site. But it helps to have it confirmed that what you are going through is normal sometimes.

One thing I have found though, is that if you have sex in the morning then it is over quicker and so less flash backs / intrusive thoughts.

Hope that helps.

Take care

Hiya 2peanut

So sorry to hear you are going through this too. You are definitely not alone here. Keep your eyes peeled on this thread because theres already been so many good points raised and ideas. Hope you find something that helps.

If you are not in a relationship and want to start one then any decent person should be able to understand that you want to take things slow... very slow. If they can't understand that then they arent worth it in my opinion and you deserve better.

Take care

Hiya Madjon

Thank you for your post again.

Unfortunaltely my partner is probably in denial about the PTSD and does not seem to think that it something that we need to cope with. I'm not saying he doesnt care. He really does. He wants to help. But he doesnt understand that what I'm going through is normal. So talking about it just doesnt get me anywhere. He thinks it is possible to "just put it all behind you". Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Don't seem to be able to convince him that it doesnt work like that.

I agree whole heartedly with that statement. I really do. But how do you do that when he doesnt want to understand more about what I am going through? How do I get the confidence up to talk about it when almost all I have experienced when I have told people about my trauma is rejection and disbelief? I want to be honest and open but I just cant take any more rejection. Its going to take time for me to try and rebuild my self esteem enough to do that. Maybe one day.

True, so true. But I can't open up no matter how much I want to talk about it. I've had 13 plus years of keeping my cards close to my chest so I guess that its ingrained in me now. Maybe my counsellor can help to change that slowly. I hope so.

I'm not dismissing what you are saying at all Jon. You make so much sense and I want you to know that. I just dont seem to be able to do it no matter how much I want to. I'm sure that if my counsellor can help me with opening up then I will find that I can take action on what you have advised. So again thank you ever so much. Your words will not be wasted.

Take care

if he doesnt understand maybe he should talk to those who do, point him towards the partners forum section on aest.org.uk it may give him something to think about and people to talk to if hes open enough to talk, doesnt mean you dont have to talk, just may be he will understand more if he talks to others who have the same things to understand and deal with, anyways hope it is of use,