I went to the doctors today to ask about my next phase of therapy and why I have been waiting so long - I believed that my wait was because I was so inconsistent with my last therapist. I explained to doc that I found the sessions really hard as my relationship was falling apart, my timetable for therapy coincided with my Uni lectures and attending them after CBT was not good at all, I also pointed out that I did tell the Psych at my inital assessment that I was afraid to have therapy with a MALE therapist, plus after keeping all of this sh*t inside for the last 26yrs was the most difficult part to over come and deal with. We sorted that side of things out and a letter outlining my issues is going to be sent on.

I talked a bit about being concerned that my PTSS (previous diagnoses) if left/untreated for any longer will result in me being at higher risk of having PTSD - He said 'Well I would not concern yourself with that as we have felt for some months now that your diagnoses is indeed PTSD'.............Sh*t!!!

I feel like I have been diagnosed with some form of cancer but that I cannot tell anyone becuase they have not heard about this or know very little about it! I walked around the shops for 4hrs with intervals where the tears would just fall down my face - how sad am I?

I feel so alone and I just want someone to hold me!

I was also prescribed some meds - PLEASE CAN SOMEONE TELL ME IF THEY KNOW OF THESE AND HOW THEY MAKE YOU FEEL???? I have an absolute fear of taking medication (long story) needless to say I am not sure I will take them - last time I threw them in the bin.

Citalopram Hybdrobromide 10mg
Zopiclone 3.75mg (these are sleeping tablets)

I wished this would all just go away!

Please can someone help me!

Well, firstly, you have a name to what you are going through, that should lessen the burden eventually. You have come to a place where you are not alone, and where others understand from experience exactly where you are now.
I hated the fact that I needed meds., I thought sure, one more way of being controlled, but that is not the case. I see my meds as tools to help me cope with the unbarable reality of my complex post traumatic stress disorder.
When mine started, ptsd, it came in as the darkest depression imaginable, it happened two years in a row, about the same time, and I thought I was losing my mind until the flashbacks came.
At least then I knew what it was all about, and that it was a medical condition that needed special help.
I hope you feel at home here, many are in the same boat as you, I've had mine since 25 and 26, now I am 44, female, and much better equipped to help myself.
It's just a name, you are more important than it.
Donna-Lynne

You have a diagnosis!
Think of that as a positive thing!

I was ill for 30 years before they diagnosed me, so not knowing what the name is for your pain and what to do about it is frustrating.
Now you have a diagnosis you can research!
This website is full of good information. The library, the internet, medical journals, etc.
Plus, now that you have a diagnosis, you can get the right therapy you need.
You can research that medicine. Ask different pharmacists and look it up on the net. Find out Everything you can learn about it and decide for yourself. And keep your doctor's phone number handy and call if you feel funny.

Don't give up!

Thank you both for what you have said

I can take a lot of positivity from your advice and insight.

One thing that does concern me - I read on the forum somewhere that the person you were before the trauma took place is still the person you can be after working hard in therapy and trying to connect with self.

However, what if you have been displaying the symptoms of PTSD since you were 11 years old and have been living/existing in a PTSD haze for 25 years! What if this journey of self discovery has only now begun? How do i know who I was? As it was so long ago and I can't remember myself before the trauma happened.

I was having one of my bad days not so long ago and my ex-partner sent me a text and what he said made me LOL! I told him how much I appreciated the text as it had made me laugh in the middle of all those emotions/crying - he said 'don't cry over the past it has made you the beautiful wonderful person that you are' (which is the most wonderful thing that someone has told me for a long time). Anyway, it was only then that I realised that ACTUALLY, I am who I am in spite of the past not because of it - so is that the real me??

Thank you
Spiritofnow

Spirit,

I was 41 when I was diagnosed with PTSD, but looking back I think it started at age 10. At least that's the earliest I can remember the anxiety attacks, the nightmares, the fear ect. The day I was diagnosed it was a relief. I finally had a clear picture of what had been going on for so long, and now I had to do something about it.

I know you feel scared, but in reality you have had this for a long time. It's not something new to you, just a name that has been put to it. Try not to freak out.

I believe that we are still the same person just a little altered. With hard work you will see that person emerge again. Will you ever be who you were???? I think that for every person on this earth, everyday we change a little. We grow older, we change our minds, we change our outlook on things. We grow every day, thus we also change. Change can be scary, but it also is needed for us to survive.

I was diagnosed at age 49 and have probably had this since age 15 in varying degrees (much worse during stressful times in my life). When we develop ptsd early in life we tend to develop unhealthy coping skills. At least that's my situation. For example, I learned to suppress emotions instead of learning to express them in a productive way. Instead of thinking about it as never being the same again, you might want to concentrate on using CBT to work on changing the behaviors and coping mechanisms that are holding you back. I believe that you are correct in stating that we become what we are in spite of what happened to us especially when the trauma/s occur early in life.

I think it also important to note that ptsd encompasses a wide variation of symptoms and severity. Don't assume that you will develop every symptom discussed on this forum. Perhaps keeping that in mind will make the diagnosis a little easier to accept.

Thank you Ruddy and She cat

It is so important to have as many perspectives as possible so that I can determine how I feel with as much knowledge/experiences as possible.

I think I was freaking out because I just felt so alone and had no-one to go home to who would wrap me up and help me feel better - but I guess part of this process is to learn to do that for myself ;-)

Ruddy you are so right about using CBT to undo the negative coping mechanisms or irrirational thoughts and behaviour. I wrote a list tonight of all of the things that I am currently aware of that I would like to do that with.

Thank you so much! it is hard to come on here and expose yourself as it were, LOL!!!

Spiritofnow

Hiya Spiritofnow

I just thought that i would let you know that i found it huge relief to know i had ptsd as i then realised that i wasnt just going insane. Not to say that i was glad to have it. Not at all. But it has helped me to look for the support i need. I say if you dont know whats wrong you cant fix it.

I have a little story about how i bacame a little more of the person i used to be. My cousellor asked me what i used to be like before the trauma and i realised that i used to wear skirts and didnt anymore. Now i have the confidence to wear skirts again. Not much but a start. I can wear very long skirts but i still cant wear short skirts like i did in my late teens but that isnt such a bad thing with my legs lol.

Anyway try to see having a diagnosis as something positive and please know that it is possible to get the good parts back of how you used to be.

Take care

one thing that has changed is your loss of innocense. Your true self is still there, what it is your heart, your wishes and dreams, even though you may not try to fulfill them now, they are quite possible to attain when you feel safe enough to be that daring.
You are still you, just much more guarded and aware of the world around you. The flip side is you will keep yourself safer then most people, the down side, until you learn to trust a tad, you keep those away from you that you so desparately need.
We all make mistakes, I don't let anyone enter my heart unless I have at least 75 percent trust in them. I will not set myself up for pain I cannot handle.
God gave you a soul, no matter what happens to us on this earth, no one ever can touch your soul,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,that is still white and heavenly
Donna-Lynne

A beautiful analorgy - thankyou!

I have pushed the first man that I have ever loved away from me - a good man with a loving good heart - I tested him to the limit and he kept coming back for more then when I had pushed so much that he found it unbareable I pushed him away forever.

He still loves me and I still love him - but I never truly trusted him - mainly his intrentions - although now I can see that he did indeed love me! We are 'friends' at the moment but I feel that our chance of sharing a life together has slipped away - he does see the real me but I think he is afraid that he 1. can't give me the support he feels I need and 2. is concerned that my turn around is temporary.

I do understand his concerns and they are valid but I also no that I deserve to have someone in my life who can love the whole of me.

This disorder has robbed me of so much - or perhaps I have allowed it to. As many on here have said now that I have reference about my condition I can heal more effectivley by understanding the symptoms and by also taking responsibility for my actions, behaviours.

I think my initial feeling was as I said 'Alone' no-one to truly share this with who could make me feel safe - I have been alone for so long - always living life by myself - but I know I have also engineered that!

The reality is that my very 'being' is sick - sick with the memories, sick because of the wrongs others have inflicted - sick from self - abuse and sick and tired of life being such a struggle. No more sickness! Time to heal!

Thank you
Vicky