It took 20 years for my madness to catch up with me. I thought it was over. After all, I jumped into 2 full time jobs and stayed quite busy for years. Worked for me until I was literally hit by a semi-truck one day on my way home from work. My neck was fractured in 3 places and my pelvis was also fractured badly. It took 2 years to recover. In the dormant recovery phase, I began to have bad dreams, then nightmares of ungodly proportion every time I slept. Then came the flashbacks and significant loss of time. I thought I was over the edge crazy.

I went from being a strong "in control of every situation" person to a quivering blob in the corner of the room. I couldn't stop it from happening. I literally would cower in the corner and relive my memories. If I was lucky it would be for minutes, if not , for hours.

My children saw their mom drastically change from being self assured to being afraid of the most innocent of noise and movement. I worked at a hospital and had a quite healthy income until I was told I could no longer be around the patients as I was a liability. Can't have the help having flashbacks on duty, can we??? I was hospitalized for PTSD and had no choice but to fight or die. It still depends on the moment as to which choice is dominant. I stayed in therapy for years and although I gained better understanding about why I was reacting like I was,I still did not have basic control of anything in my life. I made an honest suicide attempt and ended up back in the hospital.

Now it has been 10 years since the PTSD began & I am still not stable. My existence is now simply a daily succession of trying to remaining in the moment and not reacting to every movement or noise around me. I got out of the hospital last week. It was the first time I have been back in the hospital in over 5 years. Now, I'm back in therapy (intense -- group sessions on Mon, Wed & Friday for 5 hours each day AND see my therapist on one of the days in between.) Now I also obsess about the further financial strain I am putting on my family, mostly my husband as my kids are now adults(20's). I lost a substantial income PLUS now I am running up more bills. Does wonders for my self esteem. I am scared. Scared I will not make it and then scared I will make it thru another day for more of the same. I take numerous psych meds to curve the flashbacks & for sleep and anxiety. I have dropped over 50 pounds in 4 months because I can't stand the smell of food most days. I wonder what happened to me. I don't remember it all happening. I use to be so strong and self assured. What happened to that person? Now I go through each day literally moment by moment. I isolate even though I try not to and I am always hyper vigilant at night, which is really puts a damper on the 9:00am intense therapy. I cannot sleep unless I can completely see the entire room if I should wake, - which I tend to do a lot. Rules out sleeping in the dark……

I do not recognize this person have become. I feel lost much of the time and cannot be still with myself. I find myself watching real life crime documentaries and such just to see the bad guy get it in the end… I see their resolution, fair or not, as a chance at justice.

Maybe if I knew who abducted me or where I was. Was it 3 or 6 days? Why did no one miss me, was I that independent??? Did I bring this unknowingly on myself? Was I left for dead & simply survived, or was I left purposely alive? I have no answers, only questions. When I try to focus on a particular thing, my mind goes blank or a flashback or anxiety attack comes on. How do I get a handle on this? Will I ever get it to a manageable place? How much worse will it get, or can it get any worse???

My therapist tells me I blocked it all out because I learned how to do that from early childhood abuse & trauma. Now I am told I need to go back to childhood to deal with that as well as this. OMG, enough already. Everyone has some trauma as a child don’t they? Am I all that different?

I just want to be me again. Self assured and not afraid of my own shadow. I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see looking back. I want peace. I want to stop reacting to every movement, real or perceived, around me. I want to stop my guts from churning every time someone stops to talk to me. I want my sanity back, --- all of it!!!

I will never work in a hospital again. That’s over. I don’t want to be a patient anymore, Am I that screwed up? How do you turn off the noise and movements that only I hear and see? Where do I go from here? Will I be on all this medicine forever? Where do I go from here. Please if you know how to make this easier, tell me. Surely, it does not HAVE to be this hard.

Welcome Nonabug5,
I do the same think in therapy, sometimes I forget what I'm supposed to focus on.

Good job on working on your problems, I'm sure learning coping methods will help you heal.

nonabug5,
You are loved, I know I love you, and you are working really hard and facing what alot of others run from, i.e. drugs and alcohol.
You are doing all the right things medically that you need to, I hope being in the forum helps to see so many of us have hopes and fears and that we are all normal for having these feelings.
God has given us all the emotions, its our turn to fight hard to get to the fun ones, the positive ones, and mostly love.
I know that sounds far fetched and impossible, but from experience, it is not out of the question, I fell in love at 32, and it was the most wonderful feeling I ever felt.
God bless you and all who read this....

HI there,

this is my first post and you really grabbed my attention. I had flashbacks for 2 years and I didn't know when they would end. I woke up every night from 2am-4am (the deep sleep when the uncounscious is the most active) and got no sleep at all. In fact, I hated going to bed and would exhaust myself right before falling asleep. On top of it was in a full-time program and working a p/t job. I am really burnt out now and going on the course of self-care that's really badly needed (eliminate emotional stress, etc). So I don't have all the answers, or perhaps even the one answer that suits you.

This is what helped ME (what I told myself): they will finish when you are ready b/c they came when you were ready even you the conciousness weren't fully aware of it. (note: I did have a flashback trigger/circumstance lasting for about 1 1/2 before that). And really, it's just you communicating with you. So be nice. *warning: I also had multiple personalities come out at the same time* I took the time to get to know the person *a younger version of me* and welcome them in my life. It was like learning social skills within myself. I decided early on that since my self was communicating with me directly and at all times of the day when the therapists aren't around, it was really trying to reach me and no one but me could handle it. ((I spent these two years going from therapist to therapist (none of which worked out) and just telling them what I learned about myself the night before. I did all the work and they thought they deserved all the credit!! )) You know best. You have the freedom to decide your course of healing, the one that's suitable for you, b/c you'll be one to know that it's working or not. This is an exciting journey and as a result of going through this process, you'll be able to create a life you've always wanted.

I am now whole in a way that a braid is put back together. All the pieces fit and now it's just figuring out where to go from here and get acquainted with the new whole and take it to the next level.