Hi, after perusing this site for a couple days, I thought it may be helpful for me to post. I'm involved in a long distance relationship with a man with ptsd. We've known eachother for about 2 years now. Shortly after we first met, I moved over 1000 miles away - so most of our stormy off/on relationship has been long distance.

He's currently on inactive duty, awaiting full seperation from the Army next month, and working as a contractor on base. He's also served in Iraq twice. I'd speculated that he may have ptsd after some erratic behavior, and sure enough - last year he finally got diagnosed with it. The doc gave him anti anxiety meds, but months later, he was still having trouble coping. After having a major panic attack, he went to the VA and is currently on anti depressants. I believe its Celexa. He's been doing great for the past few months - until the last 2 weeks.

As I mentioned, we've had an extremely stormy relationship: we get close, he pulls away, or acts like a complete jerk. We started talking again right after Thanksgiving - he said that he was lucky to have had me and he wants another try; said that he's a happier, calmer person now, and wants to be happy with me. He flew me down there and we had an amazing time. He was kinder, and sweeter than ever. I was so proud that he was getting help and could see the difference. But, over the past couple weeks, he's gradually started pulling away again. Gone are the sweet texts during the day. Which has me wondering if he's just playing games. But, this behavior is also consistant with ptsd. Well, last week, he had another bad panic attack. Called the doc, and doc told him to up his meds. I don't know if it's helped because I'd not really spoken to him. He's not called or returned my texts. So, I thought maybe he just needs space. I'm all for that. I respect a person's need for space, because I often need it myself. But, I'm also unsure. Maybe he just doesn't want to be with me, and doesn't know how to tell me? I sent him a short, succinct email telling him that I felt something different between us, and I was unsure of whether he still wanted a relationship. Or that maybe he's just stressed, and that I'm here if he needs someone to listen.

It's been 2 days, and nothing. Which is out of character for someone who used to message me all day, everyday, and call at night. If he is just needing space, how long does this usually take? Is there anything I can say to make things more comfortable for him? It seems like whenever he opens up about it, I try to be the fixer person, offering advice, and it only annoys him. So, apparently, that's not the way to go about it. But, I love him so much it hurts. How do you deal with this??

Welcome to the forum Blueeyedgirl, lovely to have you. We have much information about dealing with PTSD in loved ones, so you have come to the right place to learn and receive support.

I haven't much time to answer fully right now, I will come back to this. Briefly though - you mentioned that your boyfriend is on medication. Aside from that, is he in any kind of therapy? It sounds as though he could benefit from that. Medication alone is seldom effective.

Thank you for your quick response!

No, he's not in therapy. He would like to be, but because he's a government contractor, he's unable to take much time off work. I'd mentioned it the other day, but he said that right now, having some place to live is more important than how he feels. I tried to relate saying that I hate taking time off work for those kinds of things. Clearly the wrong thing to say - he got annoyed and said that its not that he doesn't want to, it's that he can't.

He's had some financial troubles recently, not to mention car issues, etc, so I'm sure he's stressed about it all. I should have seen it coming - about 1.5 wks ago, he called off work bc he said he needed to relax and take some time off. But, because he doesn't have any PTO right now, he had to make it up later in the week.

I wish I could be there for him. Take him to therapy myself. But, he's got to be the one to do that. And, I'm afraid he won't until it gets unbearable for him. It's odd though - how he seemed so calm and happy. And, somehow he's a totally different person. The meds were really helping and they've seemed to poop out...

Blueeyedgirl, your messages are not being deleted. I can see them all. However, because you are a new member, you are currently under moderation, so the messages do not appear until they are approved by an editor, such as myself. This is not a slight against yourself but rather the way we protect the forum from spam and hateful messages. After a short while you will be removed from moderation and henceforth any messages you post will appear immediately.

For clarification though I did delete the 2 messages after your first as what you were saying was identical.

This is understandable. If he must move or relocate, that is likely stressful enough for him at this point. One thing at a time, so to speak. PTSD sufferers can only handle so much stress at once, especially when their PTSD is not managed. Perhaps once he is more settled he can begin therapy. Unfortunately medication is not sufficient, as you are discovering.

Yes you are correct, going to therapy must be his decision entirely, though obviously you can support him in it. Unfortunately you are also correct that he may not go until things become unbearable. Many need to reach a "bottom", a certain breaking point, where they cannot stand how they are feeling any longer.

Well, not so odd really. Quite common with PTSD. Their mood can change drastically depending on the circumstances and their stress levels. It can be a difficult thing to adjust to though - I speak from personal experience! The good news is though, if he does receive treatment in the form of therapy and works dilligently upon himself, his moods will eventually improve.

Welcome to the forum Blueeyedgirl. Hope you enjoy your time here.

Jim.

Welcome to the forum...

Welcome aboard the Carer's section Blueeyedgirl. There is a lot of support on offer here if you need it.

Thank you all for your support!

Things seem to be getting better. He keeps talking about me moving down there and in with him. I've got a great, very well paying job here, and would have vitually no prospects down there for similar income. But, he says I worry too much about money - that he makes enough to take care of us both. However, when I address the specifics, it's like - he'd prefer to not talk about it. Almost as if the idea is better to discuss. It's frustrating! Not to mention, should I give up my good paying job here (with no real life, or friends) to move back there (with no job and all my friends)? So much going on here in my mind...And, how would i live with his ptsd?? Is it harder being long distance? Because of all the misunderstandings? Or living together always dealing with it??

That is quite a dilemma blueeyedgirl. No one can tell you whether to move or not. Perhaps you need to list the pros and cons of each decision and weigh them in your mind.

I will say though, moving in with someone is a huge adjustment regardless of PTSD. And with PTSD, especially with someone who is only beginning treatment upon themselves, it is far more challenging. You do need to consider carefully what you are getting yourself into!

Could you go for a visit and assess the situation? Have at least a taste of what he is like to live with? Or, if you were to move down there, perhaps stay with friends rather than living with him initially.