Hi there! I am new to the forum and it was a relief to read your post. My relationship in far newer than yours but has a similar thread. My boyfriend has had help previously and is on meds..but could use therapy again. The long distance is very difficult for me as well. I have been told so far, that giving him distance is good, but how did you keep your mind together while you were wondering if it was over?? I need help with that. I think it's awesome that you have stuck in there.

Saira, welcome! I am rather new as well, and this has been a great place to really get some insight.

I'm sorry to hear about your issues, but perhaps there is a trend here ... that this weird behavior is ptsd related, and that these men aren't just jerks who are playing games. To be honest, I have moved on. I haven't heard from him in about two weeks. Any contact I've attempted to make with him has been futile and I am simply unable to keep throwing myself under the bus. There comes a point when you have to respect yourself enough to say enough and walk away.

If you don't mind sharing, what's been going on with you and your boyfriend?

Hello again. I am sorry to hear that your relationship didn't work out. I do think you made a wise decision and Kudos to you for taking care of yourself. Life is meant to be lived with joy, why do we cut ourselves short? I'm not minimizing the hurt and pain involved here....honest. You are a very brave woman and I thank you for sharing.
My BF is a cop and was undercover for years. Too long. He has had help but still has a ways to go. When he feels good, man oh man, look out! LOL. his parents and i are close and go snowshoeing every weekend. We all miss him. I'm not sure where all this will go seeing as it's still pretty new, but hey, I'm 40 and he's 37, we're not kids we seem to be so compatiable in so many ways. I am very affectionate, as well as he, in the beginning that is. When the stressors came, he started to shut down slowly. I didn't get it..but I am learnig. God I hope I haven't blown it! Anyway, thanks again for sharing. Hope things go well for you..you deserve happiness.

sorry it took me so long to reply to you blueeyed,

i have seen this senerio many many times, my mom comes from a extremely abusive past, and my sister as well. its easy as the 'odd ball' looking into a relation ship that i know was bad, but i was made the 'bad' one, getting in between my sister and her bf, or my mom and her bf. at one point, i saw my mom being druged by her car, her boyfriend had stolen her car, and she tried to get it back and he drove off, her attached by the seatbelt. she was drugged 100ft. my sister, i saw him literally 'brainwash' her. it was sickening. He would beat her, she would tell us that she rain into the door knob, hello!

I think that in your head, you know you need to move on, but your heart says no, he is a good person, when he isn't in his moods. and well, seriously, do you want to live the rest of your life, wondering what 'mood' he will be in when you call, or if you were to get married, when he comes home?

it is harder to move on than to stay in the relationship. your comfortable, regardless, you know his mood will eventually leave, and you get the 'happy' time together.

weither he really does have ptsd, or just playing games, he won't ever admit to you.

just think of it this way, you could be with someone that has 'happy ' times all the time, instead of guessing all the time.

i hate to be mean, and just 'lay it out' but you deserve better. YOU ARE WORTH MORE!!
feel free to email me if you want, just message me here, then i will send you my email.

i hope you are feeling better, i am sure, once you make a adjustment in the relationship part of your life, you will see other things get better as well!!!!!!

Very well said Pastrychef!

ty kathy. i just hate seeing people go thru this pattern, its soooo hard to try to show them what its like from the 'outside'.

Sorry babe, he's playing games. He is being a selfish nightmare, and it's almost like he's getting off on making you feel as down as him -- that's not your shit, it's his.

Listen, I think the reason you can't get on with your new career life is because your head is so obsessed with what he is doing, how he is feeling, when he will next call, what does that message mean etc etc. I have been in your position, and as soon as I decided to look around at my life, I relised I was so much better off without him. I grieved, I got sad, depressed for a while. But I kept busy, and discovered life again and I'm sooo happy for it. I am a sucess now, career wise, physically, mentally. It was only after I left that guy that another door opened a year later to the guy I love now, and has PTSD, and he always treats me with respect and allows for my insecurities and respects my need for communication.

YOU DESERVE BETTER. Concentrate on yourself. If it is meant to be, he will sort his shit out, but I recommend you leave him for now, and concentrate on yourself -- he's making you feel like shit and you don't deserve to. Take some responsibility for your own happiness babe.

Thank you Samsara!

Well, I did hear from him last night...

About 3 weeks ago, I'd sent him a text asking him to just let me know he's ok.

LAST NIGHT he msgs me, "Still alive here, thanks for asking"

I didn't know how to respond.... I mean, THREE weeks? It's like he wants to ignore the fact that he's been MIA and just move on. So, I responded, "k". Was that mean???

No, Blueeyedgirl, saying you are ok only is not mean.

The question I ask you is this (which I have asked you before).... is this really the type of relationship you want? Do you deserve a text message once every 3 weeks or do you deserve more? You have a say in this relationship too!

Sorry to be so harsh but I honestly think you need to seriously ask yourself these questions. I understand love and all that entails but at what price? You only have one shot at life so please think about your happiness too.

I know that I deserve more. And if this is what a relationship with him means, than I don't want it. However, I did have a relationship with him (when we first met, before I moved away) that was healthy and open. It only seems like his ptsd has worsened to such a degree that makes it impossible to have a healthy relationship at this point.

The thing is, I remember those good times before the ptsd got bad and really started to show, and I know that he can be a really kind person. We had fun and it was great. But, little by little, he's changed into this person that I don't necessarily like all the time.

Even still, I do care...too much. And I want the best for him. I want him to get healthy. And if he does call (bc I'm not going to), then I'm going to tell him straight out that he needs therapy. Meds only mask the issue, making him think he's fine. And, obviously he's not.