I ask this because it is at night, when the lights are off and I am in bed that the fear is greatest. Some nights I don't sleep at all. Other nights I sleep but wake up feeling like I haven't slept. Others are filled with one of two nightmares that I have had for over 14 years. I'm not used to my new medications yet so I don't know how it will be in the long run.

For years now I've slept with a gun in the nightstand and a baseball bat under the bed. I bought a lock and put it on my bedroom door. Still I awake at night feeling very afraid. After my second hospitalization (three months ago) I found a psychiatrist who charges a sliding scale - meaning I can afford monthly visits.

I feel like a 15 year old boy in a 59 year old man's body. I long for "normalcy" whatever that is. Most of all, I long for deep, undisturbed sleep.

Well, dear one, I think it was sometime in my late 20's, that I could fall asleep with just a little night light on.
TV is my sleeping pill, usually I try to set the timer, but I always have to see when I wake up.
I would be terrified as you say, if I could not see. Try some night lights in the outlets around the house for a dimmer set of lights. I have them all over.
I have to, have to, have to, see all around me, or I will not sleep a wink.
Also when I come in, I check every nook and cranny to make sure I am alone.
Not as often, but most of the time.
Hey, it keeps me saner, and all I'm doing is preventing a mental fear, or a real fear, either way, it keeps me secure.
Hope this helps, its normal to me, and then some...
Donna-Lynne

I have a hard time at night. I've said before in another thread, but I woke up every night for five years around the time of my attack and could not get back to sleep for a few hours. It was horrible. I used to have these elaborate rituals before I could lay down to try to relax. I still get freaked at night, but just try to use the tv or something else to distract my mind. I don't much care for being outside in the dark either. Having dogs helps because I know they will alert me if someone is trying to get in.

Some nights I sleep with the light on. My husband is very understanding about this (and sleeps very soundly!). Whenever I have a nightmare I go sleep in the livingroom. There is a large fish tank that has a small light on all of the time. Like a big night light for me. Whenever my husband goes out of town for work, I either sleep with the light on or I wake up and I've turned it on without knowing it.

When my stress is high, then the lights tend to stay on or I seek them out. It's gotten better for me from dealing with traumas and learning to live with PTSD. I've yet to figure out how to sleep well when my hubby's not there. That makes everything worse for me at night.

Lisa

I strongly suggest you remove the gun from your nightstand at this point, for your safety and the safety of others. When your PTSD is under better control, you can re-evaluate the need for it in the bedroom.

I also have a bad time at night. I leave a light on upstairs and downstairs and that helps; so does rigging up noisemakers on my doors (I hand keys from all the deadbolts so I'll hear them fall if the doors open). I also check all the windows and doors before going to sleep.

I hope your nights get easier soon.

I'm not really addressing the light issue because I can sleep in total darkness now. But the gun next to the bed is a little scary.

I wake up in a state of "Who, What, When, Where" for about a minute until I realize what is going on.

I don't want to be a hypocrite because I have a pocket knife securely tucked into it's case on my night stand. But prior to that I had a big butcher knife between my mattresses along with 3 or 4 steak knifes. When my son was about 5 years old the butcher knife had some how lodged it's way out from between the mattresses and he cut his foot real bad on it. So I realized that wasn't a good idea, and removed the knife.

If your the only one that lives there and never expects company I guess it would be OK, but if you life with people that is very dangerous because if you wake up like I do (ready to fight) some one might get hurt.

I realize that knife next to my stand is a no no, but I think by the time I find it, and get it out of it's case, and then open it I will be wide awake and able to think clearly. I'm working on trying to remove it, but I just can't do it right now.

I feel like a hypocrite, but a gun seems so powerful. If you don't live alone maybe you could move the gun to across the room until you feel you can sleep without it. At least that way by the time you got to it you will be thinking more clearly.

Take care
Tammy

Dark doesn't bother me, never has ... but sometimes I have to have music or TV playing for me to go to sleep. Sometimes my brain has so much noise that I have to listen to something else like music or TV for me to fall asleep.

I have to have the TV on all night or I can't sleep. I hate total darkness as I was attacked in total darkness and couldn't identify my assailant. That's always bothered me almost more than the attack itself. So a little noise and a little light are always welcome in my bedroom at night. I'm not allowed to have a gun... My parents won't let me. lol

The dark doesn't bother me either, but that said I would think that if your trauma happened during the night, then you naturally would associate night time with bad things.

I agree with the gun thing. Not a good idea. When I lived at a different apartment, I went out one night with friends for dinner, when I unlocked the door to my apartment I froze. Someone had broke in through my bedroom window, gone through everything I owned, closets, drawers, cabinets. I called the cops. Yeah ok, hand print on the window, shoe prints of mud on my carpets. Sorry, but there is nothing we can do. I slept with a butcher knife under my bed for several months. I also installed better locks on my windows, and doors. I eventually and logically refused to let my anxiety get the best of me. I refused to be held a victim and let this incident rock my world.

I put the knife away, and went on with my life, but just a tad more cautious.

I have had insomnia for many many years. I now take 2 different anti-depressants, sleeping pill, muscle relaxer and anxiety pill. Most of the time I sleep like a baby or at least for a few solid hours. I can sleep in the dark but have a hard time going out in the dark. When my husband works nights, I sleep with the tv on but volume off. We also got a dog that makes me calmer. Years ago if left alone I would have many locks on the doors but would find myself in the closet crying. I had to stay at the in-laws house finally till he got off work and came to pick me up. At least things are better.
sunnydaze