I have been told by a therapist about 12 years ago that I probably was molested as a child. I didn't believe it because I thought my symptoms were from when I was raped at age 15.

When I was pregnant with my daughter I had some type of flash back or memory. At the time I didn't know to much about flash backs other than the one's that are related to the rape.

I shrugged it off as just a weird feeling. Now that my daughter is becoming older I'm getting more and more weird feelings of a single incident that is not related to my violation at all. Plus I'm having these dreams that indicate it.

The only thing is, I don't know 100% if I was really molested (No direct memory of sexual abuse as a child). But those weird feelings that are sexual related make me shake the same as when the flash backs from the rape come about.

So here is my question. Should I try to find out if I was molested, which I'm pretty sure I was. But the main thing that is bothering me is who was it?

Do I need to know these things to heal? I already know I was raped and have PTSD from that, so does it matter if I was molested when I was younger and have no memory of it?

My husband thinks if I find out who it was, and if it really happened that it will create more problems, especially if it was a family member.

I'm going to see a rape councilor tomorrow and ask her the same thing and if the majority of people think I should find out I'm going to get hypnotized.

I'm really scared.
Tammy

I'm sorry I can't offer any comfort, but I do want to know what the rape counsilor says. Since I have feelings similar to yours with no proof or memory I am extremely anxious to her what the counsilor says.

very interested Grama-Herc

Tammy, I'm actually about to post a similiar thread which is kind of weird.

I don't have the answer, but I'd be wary of being hypnotised. Of course it's up to you but from the internet research I've done it can either bring up 'false' unreliable memories or bring up real ones that your mind has for good reason put away, and you risk overwhelming your mind. I only know from my own situation at looking into this.

I think doing your own independant research, getting some feedback here, and speaking to a trauma specialist are sensible steps in the right direction.

Take it slowly, take good care of yourself, and remember whatever the truth you are here today despite what may or may not have occured.

Hiya Tammy

I am also in a similar situation. I have PTSD from my trauma when I was 20. From talking about this with a counsellor it came up that I have a memory of someone asking to abuse me when I was about 8 or 9, saying no and then being very upset afterwards. I dont know if anything actually happened though. I'm hoping not obviously.

My counsellor and I were talking about hypnosis as I have no dna evidence from my trauma at 20. She told me that she thinks it is probably the case that hypnosis can be used in a court of law to convict someone and is looking into it for me. She does hypnotherapy and this only shows her confidence in how effective it is.

Whether it is the right thing for you to do is something else. I cant make that decission for anyone but myself. But for me, I will give it a try if it can be used in court - if i ever get the courage to go down that route.

Personally, I want to know everything, no matter how bad so that I can deal with it. What I definitely dont want is to get my life back on track only to find that I get new memories and have to start all over again with the healing. Just my opinion though. You need to find out what YOU want to do. We are all suffering from PTSD but we are all individuals.


Take care Tammy

Tammy,

IMO no one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do. This is an extremely personal and delicate thing that you are dealing with. If a person can't remember and wants to, then that person should do whatever they choose to do, to remember. If they don't want to remember, that's their choice also. JMO. I hope that you choose what's best for you.

I have a similar situation as well. I know for certain that there were some incidents when I was under the age of 5, but have no memory of them. My sister was there and remembers everything. I remember his house, truck, him and even letting something slip that clued my parents in to what was happening, but no memory of the abuse.

I, personally, have decided to go ahead and deal with the trauma I do remember most of and not make the effort to remember the other incidents. It is a personal decision. If I started having flashbacks, I may make some effort to find the memory. I would be concerned about my mind filling in the blanks and not knowing if it were actually real.

Tammy, Just a quick response to your title and your initial post, as time is restricted right now for me, and yet I still wish to offer my thought on your question.

Here goes: You decide what you are or not going to delve further into. Your decision. Final!

I'll add, that from my pers. exper. with multiple trauma, that I (right or wrong), would not forcibly delve into trying to remember whether or not I was additionally traumatized in some possible way.

My experience is that my trauma's have never once truly resolved/healed themselves, or ever dissappeared for any permanent period of time. I trust that wherever I have been traumatized, that it will rear its most painful head and then, and only then, will more be revealed and when timing is right. This has happened time and again, all by itself, and has very sadly, not once ever permanently vanished into thin air.

Another words, I personally would juggle and tackle my present with my past intrusive current memory of trauma, thoughts and further analysis and discussions before I delved into certainly legitimate fears and possibilities, (as I have these too), of what may or may not have occurred; as my pers. experience teaches me more is generally and very likely revealed given time and provided you're analyzing your other traumas.

I pers. would discuss, as well as, do what's next and right directly in front of me and if I have any free-time, I'd practice breaks, some leisure, some rest and while setting-out to discover what on earth is enjoyment.

Though many may know well what enjoyment is, I struggle with this concept and action. I've learned this is not uncommon given certain trauma/abuses.

You do what you decide is best for you, Tammy!

Glad you posted this by the way. Well done.

You're doing great sharing, opening up and it is a pleasure to have become a little bit acquainted with you so far, through the forum and,.....personally I hope you and I come to share some more with one another, to trust and to know each other more as friends.

Sending many (((hugs))) your way. Catch them, please and don't let them pass you by.

Thinking of you Tammy,

Hope

Hi Tammy,
The title on this thread has changed since I posted.
I just wanted to clarify that I wasn't suggesting you don't try to remember.
Nor am I against hypnotherapy (my husband quit smoking via this method so I am a fan!)
However, I'm also aware of one person who had quite a bad experience with an untrained, unauthorised, unregistered hypnotherapist 'counsellor', so just wanted to encourage you to check it all out.
I hope you are doing okay.

I'm just giving an update for those of you who asked:

I spoke to my councilor and she told me that some people need to know and others can live with not knowing. The choice is mine and she said she can't predict weather finding out the truth will cause more problems.

I decided that I want to know the truth so it doesn't creep up on me later. I called an aunt that was around me when I was young. I told her the feelings I was getting and that I thought I was molested. I asked her if she knew anything.

Immediately she gave me the name X, and I said, "Do you know something specific about him doing something to me?" She backed off and then said, "Everything she herd was hearsay and it wasn't about me it was about all kids".

This left me confused as to why she was so very confident at first, and then backed off. I wondered if she was scared to tell me or if it was hearsay?

I mentioned that I knew my grandfather sexually abused my mom and her siblings and that I stayed alone with him on several occasions but don't remember anything except for one night I was sleeping on the floor with my sister and two brothers and dreamed I was choking. When I woke, my grandfather was standing by us. He asked what was wrong and I was crying stating I had a nightmare that I was choking on something.

He tried to comfort me by getting me to sit on his lap while he was in only boxer shorts. I started struggling to get away from him because I wanted my sister not him to comfort me. I literally had to break free from him.

After telling her this she said she knew that my grandfather was that way to his kids, but still maintained that X would have been the one who molested me if she had to guess.

I'm not sure how I will go about getting this info. I am in the process of trying to get a hold of another aunt and I will be asking my uncle (that wasn't around me when I was young) But I will ask him if my dad ever told him anything.

I feel certain I can handle what ever I learn, it's just a matter of time before the whole thing surfaces.

Thanks for all of the replies
Tammy

Wow Tammy I am so impressed by your courage. Well done to you.