Hello,

This is my first time visiting this site and am so happy that I found it. I have complex PTSD due to childhood trauma and have suffered from the effects of PTSD since I was 13.

I am currently taking 10 mg of lexapro, 150 mg of wellbutrin and .50 of xanax daily to help with my panic and sleep disorders. I have been on this current regimine for 6 months and it has made me apathetic. However, I still have anxiety and panic. I started seeing a new therapist because I relocated to a different state and in my second session with my new therapist, she doesn't think that I need therapy.

The problem is, I am very adept at concealing feelings and speaking intellectually about my disease. I also work in Human Resources which has helped to develop this skill of stoicism. Inside, however, I am suffering - as we speak I feel like I'm dying because I'm in the midst of an anxiety attack just at the thought that my therapist doesn't think that I need therapy.

My childhood trauma was one that lasted for years with different types of abuse. I have a record of going on and off anti-depressants and making hasty decisions which have been extremely irresponsible. I can change at the flip of a hat. I'm terrified and angry that a therapist isn't reponsible enough to understand PTSD enough to know what is going on and how to handle me.


Now I'm to the point where I feel like I need to leave work and run home because I don't know if I can handle being here right now because of the anxiety. Does anyone have any advise? Please help. How should I approach my therapist or my regular doctor about this.

Welcome to the forum,

What I got out of your post was that your therapist may feel that you are wasting her time if you are concealing feelings and not being open and upfront with her.

IMO when you go to therapy it's to tell all....To be honest, and to get better. If you hide things then you are not willing to heal. That's just my opinion and I am not trying to piss you off in any way.

A good therapist will walk away if your not up front, they have better things to do with their time. I hope that you will reconsider your part in this and go back and be honest. The only way to get better, is straight through your trauma. Not around it.

Hi She Cat,

Thanks for your reply.

Maybe I miscommunicated. I'm not lying at all about my feelings. I simply don't have lots of them at the moment. Last session, the same therapist told me I needed to see her on a weekly basis. Now she is saying that "maybe" I don't need therapy at all. I was in therapy previously and know the "rules". The problem seems to be that I am "expected" to act or feel a certain way that I do not feel right now. However, anyone who knows this disease knows that at any moment it can fall apart. My issue is with how she is handling me after only 2 sessions. I'm sorry, am I wrong about this? I can thwart a situation without intention.

Thanks,
Rachel

Hi linasmom,

I appreciate your honesty sooo much! It can feel impossible to connect with the anxiety and panic in therapy. The defenses for self protection come up inside and things can go cerebral. This isnt unusual. I have suffered PTSD the past few years and am a therapist myself. I know how frustrating it can be when one struggles to connect with this vulnerability in the session. I experience this myself trying to get my own therapy.

When we feel safe we can go there!!! When we are able to trust the therapist, this intimate stranger with our deepest pains, it will open up. It is unreasonable to expect this to happen so soon. GET A NEW THERAPIST!!!

Trust is fragile when the PTSD is from deep trauma, even a therapist should know this and earn this. Give you tools to use on your own when the panic hits and ask you to write down how it feels to share in therapy later, so you can try to bring yourself back there and reconnect or at least gain some insight so they can give you the right tools to help you!!!

As a therapist and PTSD survivor, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

I am a bit confused here. You stated in your first post, "The problem is, I am very adept at concealing feelings and speaking intellectually about my disease. I also work in Human Resources which has helped to develop this skill of stoicism.

Then in your second post you stated, "I'm not lying at all about my feelings"

Isn't concealing just another way of avoiding??? And if you're avoiding your feelings or concealing them then you are not being truthful.

Do you go into therapy and talk about your trauma??? Do you actually talk about it?

Sorry just trying to get the whole picture here...

Hi Faith,

Yes, that is what it is! It is not that I'm "lying" about my feelings, but it is also true that I'm "concealing" feelings, this in turn leads to me to feel as if I just don't have any at the moment. I'm glad that you understood, I don't feel so crazy now. I think it's totally irresponsible as a therapist to tell someone who has suffered with PTSD for almost 20 years that they don't need therapy when they are seeking therapy. The outcome can be dangerous. *sigh* thank you.

Hi She Cat,

I did talk about my trauma! Of course, years of continued trauma will not fit into 2 one hour sessions. I gave her a great summary during session 1. She did not delve into my trauma during session 2. In fact, we did not talk about it at all. Mostly, she asked about my job and she said that I don't use "feelings" when I speak and that she notices that I have low self esteem. All are very obvious. I truly don't WANT to avoid my feelings. I loved my last therapist. We spoke about my trauma every session in some form or fashion. I even allowed her to try hypnosis with me.

Thanks,
Rachel

Rachel,

Welcome to the forum and I'm so glad you made this post although sorry you too are experiencing this.

I guess if it were me, I would ask myself if I felt any connection with this therapist? If I thought there was a future? Whether they were a PTSD specialist? If no to any of these questions then I would not give up, I'd start looking for another one. It's not unusual for people to 'interview' prospective therapists before deciding on one - this is where your HR skills should come in handy.

If however, you do feel a connection and feel there is potential, well then I'd be tempted to post out what you've written here. That when attending a therapy session you automatically revert to concealing your thoughts & feelings and seem unable to overcome or unlock this. She may have some exercises e.g. art therapy to help you get around this.

I also think that 2 sessions is very early to trust someone, and some people need longer to form that therapeutic bond. This could be an opportunity for you to try and break through the wall by being totally honest with her and saying "When you said I might not need therapy, it made me feel incredibly anxious, like I was dying inside". This could be a springboard for other discussions.

I do understand the frustration, and that you are not lying. I experience the same frustration after nearly 2 years. I keep perserving. I'm not sure whether it's a part of PTSD or part of childhood conditioning.

For me I can bring in my journal with details of my trauma, even got to the stage where I can read it, but it means nothing. There's no emotion, or feeling or any connection to it.

It's certainly not something deliberate or conscious or calculated on my behalf. It's not because I'm not trying or not committed to the process.

Perhaps it is a defense mechanism but one I seem unable to override, it's unconscious. My T also has stated I 'intellectualise' as a defense.

For me it's like a reflex, I can be very geared up before a session, clear in my mind what I want to say, armed with my notes but as soon as I walk in & sit down BANG the cool, calm veneer is up.

A bit like the doctor tapping on the knee and the leg automatically kicks out.

Good luck Rachel, don't give up! Perserve with your current therapist if you think there is a chance or keep looking for another one.

You sound so frustrated. Could it perhaps be less a problem with wither you or the therapist, but (as Awakening said) perhaps the combination of you two together are not connecting.

I understand how hard it can be to open up in therapy, even if that's the point, and I think a good therapist for someone with such long-term PTSD will help ride the long period of silence and fear out with you. I know that my first few months of sessions were about me realizing that even though I felt numb and flat, there was something going on under the surface, and having my counselor tolerate and probe that nothingness helped me find the courage to let the feelings into my awareness.

I hope you find a way to discuss your concerns with this therapist, or reach out to another one to help you begin to recover.

Linasmom,

Thanks for taking the time with me to clear things up. I do understand better now what you were trying to say. Sometimes the written word just doesn't cut it for me. My fault.

I do agree then that your therapist is sort of jumping the gun here. 2 visits really isn't enough time for either of you to be comfortable enough to make any sort of decision.

Being numb is well kind of normal for people with PTSD. We tend to shut down.

Is she trained in trauma therapy???? If not, then my advice would be to find one that is. There is a huge difference.

Sorry for all the confusion earlier, and i wasn't calling you a liar, just trying to get clarification.

Thanks for being patient with me.