First I would like to say how glad I am to have found this forum, it has really been my best guide, even more so than all the books I have, etc.

My name is april, and I live in beautiful NC. I have much to be thankful for, and I hid behind that for a long time until coming to terms with my PTSD.

I am married, for two years, to a great guy and have two stepchildren. Those children are what eventually brought out my symptoms to the point I could no longer handle it. You see, they have what is called attachment disorder, caused by being abandoned by their mother at ages 2 & 6. THAT is a trauma, to brain development as well. I left my career and began taking care of them started taking care of them full time 5 years ago, and boy I did not know what I was in for. Their disorder is not so different than mine, it's just that they are younger and don't understand their feelings as well. They can be VERY confrontational and violent, and it was getting worse and worse. I finally got my husband to get them into therapy [he is super easy going, but sadly not much support], but it must be an attachment therapist as coventional therapy does little good, because children with this have no trust whatsoever in caregivers or authority figures.

But anyway, I am not here to talk about them! But on one of the visits, I asked to speak to the therapist alone before their session; I wanted to let him know that things were becoming impossible for me, my anxiety level had risen so that I had to go to the dr. [I have HBP] and they had sent me for a whole battery of cardiac testing. When I told him all this, and he could see I was shaking, he asked if I had suffered any trauma in my life. I quickly said "Oh, yes! Tons!" I told him a few things, and could have gone on forever. I have multiple trauma and severe loss that began when I was about 16. Later there were abusive, physical and psychological, relationships. I realized that the "battles" with the kids [they would even try hitting and kicking me] must somehow be bringing to mind the violence I had suffered. My husband also had begun working two jobs, so it was them and me. I began having all kinds of weird symptoms, acting very strange, angry, picking on my husband for every little thing he did as if they were all big character flaws, I became afraid of everything, even sleeping with my keys and purse, kicked my husband out to another room, kept the door locked...felt ready to flee at any time like the old abusive days. It took me a yr to really accept that I DID really have PTSD. When I did, I went to that bedroom, stocked it full of eats and drinks, and did not come out for about 6 weeks. I hardly bathed, just sat there. My husband just did not get it, which is why I wanted to be alone, and I kept screaming at him, and believe me, he was NOT liking me very much either. I was for one thing, furious he would not HELP ME. Things are better now, and I realize he did not know how to help me. And when I found this forum, I quickly realized that it was up to me, my responsibilty. That was the beginning of healing. I think I knew I had PTSD all along, I had a bro-in-law that had it from 'Nam, which he passed on to my sister with his angry abuse. I knew a good bit about it, but I thought I had made it unscathed, even that my faith had healed me. Then, about a yr or so ago, we lost insurance so to date I have had little treatment, and no therapy at all, save for one EMDR session with the original therapist.

We have been paying for meds and occaisional dr. visits out of pocket, and I have my books, and this forum. I am trying to get my husband to put more time into reading the forum. Other than that, I am on my own - but - we will finally get insurance at the end of this month!! YAY!!!! I am holding my breath. The meds I am currently on are Wellbutrin [gives me motivation, which I lack VERY much], Zoloft [keeps me from crying all the time], and the last visit I was put on Risperdal, have been on it about a month, and it seems to maybe be the key, although I'm a little afraid of it. And this stuff is 14.00 a pill!!! I have been getting like 5 [which I break in half, so lasts 10 days], run out, go a few days without, get a few more when we can afford it, and I found that this method does NOT work well!! OH, and lets not forget Xanax. Which is like putting fingers in my ears and going 'lalalalalalalala' when the kids are raging.

Well, this is long enough I think for an intro, but just a few personal level things ~ I am an equine all the time horse nut - I live and breath for my horse Zevon, and my own son who is 20 and lives in SC. [TRAUMA ALERT - will explain later... ] I'm creative and like writing and reading [I guess you can see that!! duh!] and love music, most of all Fleetwood Mac. I am a very faith filled person, and it has surely been tested, but never failed. I am a young at heart 46, really just an old flower child still living the 70's.

I'm glad to have finally broken the ice, nice to meet you all, I am confident we can all help each other. This is a very warm, secure feeling place!

ps. If anyone happens to know the "real" Lost In the Fog, I mean absolutely no disrespect to his memory or legacy... only tribute - and it just seemed to fit!

Welcome to the forum April, lovely to have you!

very much for the welcome! And... I am sorry for it to be so long! Thank you for adding the breaks. Typing in the smaller box, I just kept on going! I did not realize it was so long! Imagine if I had told 'the rest of the story..' LOL

I guess I was like a dam bursting, because I really do not have anyone at all, even a friend, to talk to about 'all this'. So if you read that far, anyone, thanks for your patience!

Hi April,

Glad that you found the forum. It's a great place for support and it has a ton of information.

Hello April, please no worries on either account. Many members begin with a long introduction. I simply never comment much other than to welcome, as I am a carer rather than a PTSD sufferer. Others I'm certain will comment more. Take good care, and welcome once more.

Hi April, welcome to the forum. Certainly sounds as though you have your hands full at home.

Welcome April! Glad you finally found what you're looking for!

Welcome to the forum April!!!!

Hi April and welcome to the forum.

Peace
Tammy

Thank all of you for saying hello and the great welcome. Now let's see if I can get up the nerve to post more : ]
I see a North Carolinian! Hi Upstream, me too! Native, but had been away for many years and moved back about 4 years ago. I am loving the beauty and the feeling of 'home', but miss not knowing where I'm going, miss my son, and therefore became quite reclusive as my symptoms presented. It's just a bit too pleasant/easy, looking out of the window at my nice yard, rather than get out and be a person! : ]