Hi Tara,

I'm sure you're feeling attacked right now and I know that for someone with PTSD that can be excruciating. If I'm wrong about how you feel, I apologize.

We are not all at the same stages of dealing with our PTSD. Have you read around the board at all, yet? There are so many posts, so many topics of discussion!!!

I hope you are doing okay today.

Best,
Rachel

I do sort of feel like I'm being attacked.
I am upset because this is not what I expected when I decided to join this forum. I wanted a place where I could safely express what I was thinking and feeling and not have to feel bad about it. I feel like I'm being shoved into dealing with something I didn't even know existed with no explanation or introduction. does this to everyone who has an issue they're not aware of?
I feel like I'm making a LOT of progress in therapy and on my own, and I'm working on what I can.
I just started trying to heal my PTSD, I'm very sensitive obviously and I apparently don't know what the rest of you know.
This whole thread makes me feel a sense of public shame.
i'll try to identify the sympathy aspect and resolve it.
I am not running from my recovery.

Tara,

Apparently you must have posted that you were considering suicide???? Am I correct??? If so then THAT IS looking for sympathy. It makes everyone else upset, panic, and worried. That is NOT what this forum is for. It is to give support, a shoulder to lean on, advice on how to cope with things.

The point is....We all KNOW how you feel, we too have PTSD. You are not alone in what you feel, think, or are going through.

Post that you feel like shit, had a bad day, the kids drove you into a panic attack, your other half doesn't understand. Ask how to deal with anxiety, meds, flashbacks, nightmares, things of that nature.

Suicide post just upsets the rest of us, and it's not allowed by Anthony's rules.

No. I did not post that I was considering suicide. Not what I was thinking at all. If you read through this thread you'll see what happened.
Anthony apparently mistook what I wrote as suicidal, and wrote some stuff that was embarrassing to me as a completely new person. I tried to clarify that I was not referring to suicide at all, just trying to describe what I felt, (in sort of a mix of writing out visual images and describing) and he took me the wrong way. I had read the rules, and I agree with them, I wouldn't break them!
basically this whole thing is my reaction to him telling me I'm playing the sympathy card, not posting openly and honestly, I'm in denial about wanting sympathy and that when others have not believed me or thought I was just trying to get attention by telling small parts of my "crazy" story they were telling me the same thing.
maybe he's right. I guess he must be. He knows a lot more that I do. I'm totally willing to look at that.
I'm upset that my first post got such a negative reaction. like i said earlier, it took a lot for me to write what i did. I didn't know what I was saying or feeling was wrong. or fishing for sympathy. or whatever.
now I know.

Hi Tara,

Firstly, no you have not damaged yourself here... your not the first person to come upon this forum and have teething problems with me surrounding sympathy... you won't be the last. That is not a reason to reject you, nor will I typically reject any person looking for help. That is the point though, your looking for help and we can help you, but I just don't allow sympathy here because it does no good for the sufferer. I have PTSD, your not talking to someone who doesn't understand. I know all too the well and have been in the sympathetic stages of PTSD. Someone kicked me in the arse also to wakeup to myself and get out of it. What is sympathy vs. empathy you ask;

Sympathy has a few meanings, though the most used and common is: A feeling or an expression of pity or sorrow for the distress of another; compassion or commiseration.

Empathy means: Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.

Statements such as you made in your first post, beyond just the suicidal aspects I removed include:

• Somebody please talk to me? I'm not doing so good today.
• I can't do anything
• not being able to get out of bed unless absolutely necessary

These are sympathetic traits... along with all or nothing statements, which are negative thinking styles directly corresponding to sympathy. That is what you where in denial about, wanting sympathy instead of empathy. You want people to pity you is what I was referring, from the statements you made. Obviously those around you read you exactly as I did, as they said the same thing... you want people to feel sorry for you because of what you have endured. About right? You believe you deserve special attention even from friends because of what you have endured. Getting closer?

You have an affiniative power within you Tara to really help yourself, and your doing that by working through your issues with a therapist and having EMDR, however; you can be in therapy a lifetime and be none the wiser if your therapist also enables your sympathetic viewpoint. Sympathy has a time and place, it truly does, but with PTSD sympathy is a negative trait that feeds PTSD. If you have people enabling your sympathetic desires, which many therapists often do, then your actually never going to get better because your being enabled.

I am sorry that you feel attacked Tara, but I really am quite pushy towards people ensuring what is in their best interests with PTSD. There are certain thinking styles that are viewed as negative or unhealthy. I think that would be a good start for you to be reading, along with many other of the information topics as they contain a good proportion of the basics required by every PTSD sufferer. Theres a pdf document, Understanding PTSD - Edited, explaining what goes on within you that you may want to also read, if not already.

We are here to help you Tara, trust us on that, but helping you does not include enabling you, which is why I tackle problems straight up, no settle in time... sorry, but that is my approach. The faster you nip negatives in the butt, the faster you improve for your own benefit....

Thank you, Anthony, for the explanation. That helps. I mean, I really did not know I was doing that, and that it's bad for me. That's the reason it bothered me sooo much.
I'm still not clear though. Reading here, I see a lot of people venting when they're having a particularly bad day, like I was. "somebody please talk to me, I'm not doing so good" seems like it would be a normal thing to say here. asking for support because your PTSD is really going to town. "not being able to get out of bed" seems like what I've seen a lot of people write about the way their PTSD is affecting their life, making their days very difficult, preventing from doing things they want or need to do. Can you explain the difference?
I'm sorry I'm so totally clueless, I guess my therapist must be the type that enables sympathy or I would have known about it, right? I will ask her about it when I see her tomorrow.
You're right about wanting pity from people, now that I think about it. I guess I've always felt that I deserved a little sympathy and sorrow from people around me because of everything that's happened in my life. As far as expecting special treatment, really all I want is for people to make an effort to try to understand. To try to accept that my PTSD/depression is a real reason to not be able to work, for crying all the time, etc etc etc. Is it wrong to ask for that?
Gotta go now, but again thank you. I wish you'd been able to explain what you meant sooner, when it was clear I didn't know what the hell was going on and was flipping out about it so much, but oh well.
I'm sure you're really busy so sorry for taking up so much of your time.
I'm trying here, I really am.
ps I'll say again, I did not mean for my original post to sound suicidal. despairing and desperate, yes. but like I said I agree 100% with that rule and I wouldn't break it on purpose even if I did feel that way. (btw i read in the FAQ that venting about suicidal nightmares, etc is acceptable, i better make sure I'm clear about that whole issue too before I screw up cuz I have 'em.
humbly,
tara

This is some of the confusion, in that when you first come here there is not history, though; when you combine all things into one post you can read it as "wanting sympathy" vs. venting. Venting is venting... usually comes with history I guess or people say, "I am venting" because the written word here is not the same as saying it face to face, no emotion passed in written context so you need to be quite expressive and outline emotion to words ensuring a reader understands. I would say it is impossible to master, though definitely achievable to get right the majority of the time. I guess its one off those things that comes with writing online.

Telling yourself your clueless does not help your self esteem. This is another aspect I will not enable, allowing people to put themselves down as PTSD feeds from this. If people don't kick you in the arse and put you in the right direction, such things would not allow you to build your self esteem, to build your self worth, which are important parts of healing because trauma takes so much from you in the first place and then progressively over time. I won't make judgement on your therapist though, but I will say you will likely do so the more you read here and determine whether the therapist is best for you and your condition.

Therapists are not created equally.... you want one who does not tolerate your shit, you want one who is empathetic to you, however; pushes you even when about to break in order to face your fears. PTSD feeds from fear. Unfortunately there is not such thing as facing your part of your fear, you have to face it all so you no longer fear it, which means its going to hurt you and make you ill at the mental level and physical most likely. You have an incurable disorder, it only manifests itself the more you leave it, the more you ignore it, the more you lie to it... it builds greater and destroys you. That is a harsh reality of PTSD... PTSD is a killer, have no doubt. It takes many lives.

My question to you is this. Has this actually done anything positive for you other than feed a negative desire? The negative desire to to fuel your self pity to excuse your behaviour, your actions, your reactions!

Yes and no. It is a legitimate reason that you may not be able to work, though it does not mean you cannot work. You may not be capable of work right now, but if you get out of this sympathy stage and into actioning, you could likely begin working in the future.... actually, highly possible. PTSD is not necessarily an excuse for crying, as crying is an emotional outlet, yes... and PTSD feeds from negative emotion, yes. Though that is a touch and go type question I believe. If your crying a lot, then is it excessive? If it is, then what could you do to rectify that?

I know you might be unsteady here presently, though I have seen people come here from 20 years of therapy and walk away from here six months later a completely different, more focused, confident and able to manage their PTSD more effectively, all because the community empathises but pushes one another as a whole. I think you will be just fine Tara... learn, learn and learn from the information sections.

Tara,
I personally feel the first few times one writes and tells their story they do want sympathy because nobody ever gave it to them for what they endured in the past. Maybe, this is a first time of even exposing ones past in this forum. After that then one can get built up and encouraged by what they write back to you and be supportive in your thoughts or ideas. I did not read your origional thread as Anthony reviewed and edited it but this going on and on with everyone has to stop. it is starting to bother me. So you wrote something unappropriate the group should let it go enough is enough already.

We are like children inside wanting someone to say "how terrible what we endured but things will get better. We feel your pain." Than get onto the healing process. I am starting to get depressed from this forum. I understand rules need to be set but alittle compassion at the beginning of signing up there is nothing wrong with it. We need to take baby steps so we can understand each move forward that we make. Many times when someone leaps into changes to fast they fall backwards due to lack of understanding.

Stay with the forum things should get better.
sunnydaze

I would just like to say i know how you feel i have felt that way myself we are all here for you

i would also like to say i feel the folwing quote is quite harsh i dont feel sympathy was what was intended by the post and personaly if this was said to me i would be hurt and feel attacked i also feel the responce could have been said more tackfully with the same meaning

You are right John, I could say things better, but I am usually just very straight forward, which also often includes my lack of tact. I own that part of my personality.... that is for sure. Not very tactful here...