Hi, my name is Barbara and although I don't know how long I have had PTSD, I am finally aware that I have it.

One of the doctors that treats my chronic pain conditions has been telling me for over a year that I have it. That same doctor finally convinced me to go into therapy and the psychologist tells me I have it. I am fighting the diagnosis and I don't know why. I guess because it has ruined my life and I am grieving that lost woman. They told us in my trauma group that we will never be the same and that we have to go through the stages of grief. Well, I am bouncing around those stages like a spastic rubber ball.

My PTSD is coming from a lifetime of traumas that just seem to be neverending. I now suffer from chronic pain and a host of other illnesses, along with the PTSD, that have kept me in my home for most of the last year. I am just coming to terms with the idea that I am disabled and will probably never be able to work again. Shouldn't be a big surprise to me considering that going out my front door causes severe panic.

I keep hearing that line "If people knew what was out there hunting them, they would never leave their homes." Hunting us....that thought plays through my head a lot. Narcissists, that is who is out there hunting us. I seem to have a big ole neon sign on my back that says --- come abuse me, I can take it. I'm intelligent, intuitive and have a terrific sense of humor and somehow that has made me a target. My kids tell me I'm just too nice. That is just sad. I have to become mean and aggressive to keep these people away since they are "special" and the rules don't apply to them.

I've dealt with a long of anger this past week. I have a laundry list of traumas - child abuse, death of my sister, depression, abusive ex-husband, scleroderma, hysterectomy, fibromyalgia, central retinal artery occlusion (stroke that blinded me in one eye), chronic pain, family members who are emotionally void, loss of depth perception, loss of ability to drive at night, abusive boss who was hell bent on destoying me, loss of job and now being darn close to bankruptcy. The list just never stops.

I think the final trauma that sent me over was the diagnosis of primary immune deficiency in my grandson. I can see our future with this child and it is grim. Because this is an x-linked disease, there will be no other grandchildren. He is a little blond angel and my heart just breaks a little everyday as I watch my daughter struggle to come to terms with this and watch the things that my grandson has to go through. He just started having focal seizures this month. We have all been holding our breath for 6 years wondering when it was going to start. It looks like it has started.

So, I am glad I found you people. I've been told I have a long road in front of me. I have a psychologist and trauma group now, I have filed for disability and made an appointment with an attorney for when SS makes that first denial; I have made contact with a woman who has already made the journey, has written a bestselling book about trauma and is helping me via email. And now I have this forum. I know the support is out there but isn't it amazing how all over the place our thoughts are and how much we deny?

I have group tomorrow. Last week it set off an explosion of emotions. I'll let you know how this week goes.

Barbara

Hi Barbara,

Welcome to the forum...yes you have had your share of problems. I'm sorry about your grandson. It hurts when it kids that are so sick...

Welcome Barbara! I hope you find the support you're looking for!

No Barbara, you don't have to be mean and aggressive at all.... you just need to become assertive. (Placid - Assertive - Aggressive) That is the personality line in order. Your obviously at placid, nice and allow others to walk over you which only hurts you. This causes you to think you need to become aggressive, the opposite end of the spectrum; yet that is also not correct. Your just trying to achieve something the wrong way. You need to become an assertive personality, which means your nice but your not out attacking people, however; the biggest part is that you will not allow another to attack you nor walk all over you like a doormat. Assertive.... this is your aim I believe.

Yes you do.... and its glad you acknowledge that. The road of denial I guess is a hindrance presently, though that is totally upon yourself and you move at your pace. I guess if your now at that time in your life when you are ready to face all your past fears, then that is a good start moving away from denial and towards honesty, acceptance and better health for yourself.

Hi Barbara,
I hope you find help and comfort in this forum. It is a good place. My wife has PTSD and began dealing with it about 5 years ago. The other day, she was in a large retail store and there was a problem with the cash register accepting the debit card. The manager was called over and he was loud, abrasive and bullying to the cashiers and my wife. My wife looked at him, gave him a palms down signal with both hands and stopped him in his tracks. He asked her what that meant and she told him in a soft voice, "Your tone." He replied meekly, "Oh. My wife tells me that all the time." He was then apologetic and changed his demeanor. My wife handled the situation in an assertive manner and defused the manager in a non-threatening manner. I'm so proud of her. Maybe this example of assertiveness will help you. I hope so. Tommy

Excellent experience shared Tommy, thank you.

Welcome Barbara. I too have been through many traumas and triggers. It seems life just deals one blow after another sometimes. I just want you to know that it can get better and you can learn to manage your symptoms. Anthony's right about extremes. I often fantasize about being more aggressive too, but I know that won't work so I strive for the middle. I think that's actually harder for us, but in the long run it's worth it cause the payoff is you get to feel a little better about yourself as a result.
Anyway, we're all here with you on that road to recovery. I hope you find this forum as helpful and supportive as I have.
Take care, Morgan

Hi Barbara, and Welcome to the forum!

I use to regularly think and feel the same way. And, though it wasn't kids telling me I was too nice, it was me drawing the same conclusion too, that I was simply too nice. If so, I certainly wasn't being to nice to myself as I'd actually think and believe sometimes, during abuse and trauma that I can take this. If this is what it comes down to (and I'd angrily, yet placidly think of these abusive people as either narcissists or socio-paths, but I'd freeze in fear then and be nice. God forbid I hurt anyone or their feelings... I, then, and too often thought.

Turns out I was then controlled by an enormous amount of distortions in my thinking, guilt, fear and self-neglect.

Read your intro. and glad you shared so freely; It was, at times, a bit of a hard read for me though, bc I related a little too much for comfort; Oh' well. Denial has been my companion too.

IMHO, Barbara you did good sharing.

Barbara, I'm glad you found us and additional support for your PTSD and traumas. Welcome Aboard!


Hope

Hi Barbara, welcome to the forum.

Welcome to the forum Barbara.