Thank you all for warm welcomes and advice. I am listening intently to the being assertive advice. I am having trouble finding that middle ground. I have learned to go from doormat to the b word in about one minute. Or to be more honest, frankly I screamed at people like a shrew this week (I bet the people at a certain tax website politely ask me to take my business elsewhere next year) and although I should feel more ashamed, I'm actually more puzzled. I figured out that at the first sign of frustration or perceived b.s., I just lose it. Where in the world did that come from and please tell me more of your learned assertiveness. Anthony's advice and Vee Dog's example were helpful. I would appreciate more of the same.

FYI: my grandson had a terrible week, another symptom appeared and an infection has now gone into its seventh week. They told us that the symptoms wouldn't happen until his second decade of life - he is only 6. I thought we had more time...I am not ready...I cannot accept this yet. My daughter needs me and this damn PTSD is just so paralyzing. Any thoughts or suggestions on finding a way to be normal for them would be appreciated more than you know.

Barbara

Barbara...I've just read your first post, and my heart goes out to you. You wrote of a "big ol' sign on my back..." --> I often wondered if I wore a similar sign, or if "C'mon, abuse me!" was tattooed on my forehead. What I've learned is that we don't wear such signs...we unconsciously know abuse and trauma as normal...and we humans, being creatures of habit, go for what's familiar, simply because it's familiar. It's home base. It may be hell, but at least we know it. It seems crazy...but another thing I've learned is that *every* behaviour, no matter how seemingly "crazy," ultimately makes sense. We humans don't like change; we veer towards what we know.

You might want to imagine a sign on you that says, "Treat me with kindness"...and start with yourself...Once upon a time, my dearest mentor (and a survivor of terrible atrocities who proved to me through his presence that healing is possible!) invited me to look in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth, and to say to myself, "I love you." I told him flat out that he was full of s***. Couldn't, wouldn't do it. I was brought up to believe -- literally -- that I was s***. I still feel a small cringe inside when I look in the mirror and dare to think a kind thought...but doing it while brushing my teeth often gets me giggling 'cause I'm foaming at the mouth

I wish you all the best and am sad to know that you have endured so much. You are in very good company here...I just joined this forum last night and feel such relief to encounter so many writers who are working to keep their integrity, hearts, and sanity intact. You've come a long way and survived...you will continue to survive...and that sense of humour of yours is a gift!

All the best ... Roo

I recall a similar example in the opening of Daniel Goleman's book "Social Intelligence." I will not post it here, but would recommend opening the book next time you're at the store. What I remember... correct me if I'm wrong... it was a story of a commander in Iraq who faced an angry and armed mob, but did not speak their language. He commanded his troops to take a knee, point their guns at the ground, and smile. This gesture diffused the angry mob and they walked away.

I also used to believe there was a sign on my back. 2 months ago I had grown to feel that the world just wanted to torture me. I suppose these beliefs were an improvement from blaming myself every single time someone mistreated me, and responding by trying to win them over. I have also received criticism for not being assertive enough, though that is beginning to change.