Hello.

I have been recently diagnosed with PTSD. When I was 14 years old I was raped by an acquaintance. I did not tell my parents back then as they were going through a divorce.

Have had issues with depression/anxiety my entire life. I am now 34 years old. I am happily married and up until a few months ago thought I had beat it. I was an upcoming manager at a very large company and I progressed very quickly. I was very into health/fitness - yoga, running. My husband and I have a lot of friends and I loved my life.

Then my boss, who had never been inappropriate before, invited me to his home for a work event... long story short it was not a work event and he gave me drinks and I was possibly drugged. I don't remember what happened exactly but I ended up on his floor without my clothes on and... well i just knew... I drove home in a panic.



I tried to survive and not tell my husband and continued to go back to work. I told HR initially it was consensual because I was scared of them coming back on me (the HR person is best friends with this man). I started drinking a bottle of wine every night and had terrible nightmares and flashbacks. I finally told my husband what happened and I went to a pysch who finally diagnosed me with PTSD. I would shake before going to work violently, cry hysterically. I didn't want to lose my life and everything I had worked so hard for (being female in this company is a hard long road).

My doctor took me out of work and now I am on disability. My symptoms have gotten worse and I try to get out there and exercise... however some days I just can't. I've been drinking way too much which I had never done before. Just want to escape. I'm terrified the boss will come attack me at my home. I just sought legal counsel as I can't deal with all the phone calls from HR. I'm not the kind of person who wants to sue and get money. I just want my sanity back and my health back and a chance to get better. I have gotten more and more agoraphobic and apparently paranoid. I have flashbacks which won't go away. In my flashbacks I get the 14 year old abuser and the boss confused and it is very scary.

This weekend my husband went away to see a friend and I did nothing the whole time he was gone... I bought a bottle of brandy and drank the whole thing. I'm ashamed as I have never even had an interest in alcohol before other than a beer or two at social events. I am on meds now.

I used to be so happy and it has all been ripped apart. I loved my life before. I just want it back. That is why I am here.

Thanks for listening.

Hi Not,

Welcome to the forum....Many of us here know the "Bottle" and how it can become your best friend. Self medicating is part of the problem that we seem to have with PTSD.

There is tons of Info here, and a lot of good people with support for all.

Again....Welcome...

Hi, welcome to the forum. I am sorry that such a terrible event occurred to you, though this is the world we seem to live in.... trauma makes part of that world.

Everything you explained is exactly typical of a person with PTSD, a trauma before and another one in your life which is the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. I am guessing that you may think this can just have something done here, done there, and your life is back square and within control again! I do hope you realise that what you have is firstly incurable, secondly; takes some years to totally learn how to control.

I am not going to say whether you will work again or not, as that is an individual thing, though if you learn how to manage yourself, your lifestyle, you get back to exposing yourself into life again and fighting past all the fears, you can achieve your goals, that much I will say. PTSD is not curable at present, however; it is treatable. The treatment just takes some time to achieve. Even with medication, if you expose yourself to too much you will collapse again.

What I hope is that you learn from others mistakes here and try and lessen the impact on yourself, instead learn quickly, be extremely open and honest with yourself and others here who can help you, and your therapist, and the more you do this, the more willing you are to deal with the fear, the faster you can help yourself back into life once again.

If your up for that and acknowledge that you are going to get quite ill from facing your fears, then you will get through this quite quickly and begin learning the management aspects.

Hi notjustfriends,

What happened to you was tragic. I can relate to a lot of the things you wrote about work situations, about working so hard for a life and having it all ripped apart by a sick boss.

I was in pretty bad shape due to work trauma a few months back, not due to rape though. I've since been recovering, the important thing was to recognize that I needed to resign and get out, that I wouldn't recover until I got away from the organization and my boss. You're not alone, and we are here to help.

There is hope. Welcome, and feel free to post away.

Dear Notjustfriends,
This is a very good place to come. I am the husband of a PTSD sufferer and I hope your husband can understand and be supportive. It's taken me a lot of time and study to begin to understand what my wife endures. What happened to you is horrible and I hope the boss can have the legal system tear him a new one. I hope you find some peace here.

Hi notjustfriends

I have been raped when younger and had a situation with a boss at work where I was sexually assaulted so I can appreciate your pain. To be drugged, rendering you helpless, and have sex against your will would be dreadful to endure.

Well done for wanting to help yourself and good luck with your healing. You do have to face your trauma in order to heal so I wish you the best and hope you can find a way to put the alcohol aside while you do so. I understand it is very common for suffers of PTSD to find a vice but I wish you the strength to overcome that.

Good luck.

Hi not, welcome to the forum. I just want to say that I too have battled with alcohol and lost. Most emphatically I want you to know that booze and psych meds do not mix! I got to the point where I got deathly ill from mixing them so, please be very careful. I hope you can overcome your need to drink and learn to manage your symptoms soon. Until then, we are here for you.
Take care, Morgan

Hello Notjustfriends, .........And, Welcome!

.................................................. ..................


Hoping Anthony understands me wanting to quote these words, as they make all the sense in the world, and quite caring as well, and it seems only fitting they be repeated and emphasized.

I agree exactly with what's quoted, and personally have experienced that openness and honesty is quite effective in the dropping and releasing of fears.

What a welcomed freedom and joy when a number of fears stop controlling me, my thinking, actions and avoidance behaviors. And, many have!

I will say, I had started out young with numerous fears though, but more importantly it was not pleasant to helplessly watch them then multiply, multiply more and further multiply when my PTSD continued to go untreated.

That's what fear(s), in relationship to trauma does; It progressively multiplies. Yrs. back I really believed alcohol was treating my symptoms and fears, I learned the hard way, as many others have and do.

Notjustfriends, from what I understand, you're not helpless now and can help yourself; ...........neither am I.

There is help & support for you and I do so hope you grab hold of it; And, most especially reach down within you and pull forth whatever it's going to take you to treat/manage your PTSD and feel well again.

My Very Best to You in Your Healing, Notjustfriends.


Hope

welcome to the forum

Thank you all for your responses... I will definitely read through everything here to try to learn as much as possible.

I understand how fear can multiply as it is definitely happening to me... If there are any threads on how to connect what you know cognitively and apply it to how your body and emotional self - that would be really helpful. I have always been good at understanding theory but actually applying it to myself never seems to work.

Aha... as I write this I see the search tab

FDR said there is "nothing to fear but fear itself".... I just wish I could believe that.

Thanks,

Notjustfriends