Hello everyone, Im writing this because i think it might help me feel better, or maybe just to hear what other people think. I am a former Marine infantryman that just got out of the Corps in december and am just getting worse and worse in terms of PTSD. On all the little questionares we had to fill out when we got back I lied like a mofro, and now I am pretty certain I have PTSD but I am afraid of the process of the VA. Will they contact my old command? Will my old buddies find out and think im a pussy? I feel so many feelings at once i dont know where to start. I started college because it was the logical thing to do, but at 23 years old and living in a dorm (by myself) I am becoming more and more secluded. I drink alot, especially when I have spells and to help me sleep. Sometimes i dont sleep for days and sometimes I sleep like 24 hours. I am always waking up thinking someone is trying to get me, and I am so mad at everyone (except my family, I hide everything from them because Im ashamed and dont want them to know). People piss me off all the time, and sometimes I am afraid im going to snap and beat someone. I am patriotic but I disagree with the war in Iraq and question why my buddies died and I feel guilty for questioning those things. I just wish I could be a hermit in the mountains and never have to talk or speak to anyone. And of course I have a hard time with girls because I have so much other crap going on. Anyway, just thought typing out my issues might help, its sorta nice but sad at the same time to know Im not the only one at least. sorry if i depressed anyone, but thanks for listening, carpe Only the dead have seen the end of war.

Carpe, welcome to the forum and thank you for telling us what you feel. Everything you said sounds exactly what I would have said some years ago, when I came home from various operations, progressively getting worse and worse each time until I just snapped. My world fell apart and I along with it. Nowadays I am doing much better, handling life much better even though I couldn't see my life now back then...

You have an extremely honest viewpoint of yourself now, which says to me that your beginning to come through your own denial. This is a way to seclude yourself from the public eye as a person, yet you can also actually be very honest publicly which has its own rewards to yourself and others. Well done.

Carpe, you can most certainly come through this, but at some point you have to stop running from yourself and from those you love. You would be quite surprised just how supportive your can find your family and even weed out some people you may call friends and discover those true friends in your time of need. Honesty goes further than you may think mate.... trust me on that. It can hurt you, it can hurt others, but it also brings some pretty large self rewards and often far better relationships and friendships.

Well done though mate... your here, your helping yourself, its a start in the right direction.

Carpe,

IMO......Who are you lying to when you don't tell the truth about what you are going through? Who are you hurting by doing this? Why is my next question??? You need to be honest with yourself in order to heal yourself. You can't do it lying....

Be honest, heal yourself, and to hell with what others think or say......JMHO.

Carpe, I'm a newcomer here as well and I want to applaud you for taking the steps to find ways to keep yourself safe and from hurting others at this time.
And for reaching out for help to this list.

I know dealing with systems (the VA in your case) can be very difficult to face right now. What I would suggest as some first steps is for you to make an appointment with a family doctor, or at the campus clinic and allow yourself to begin breaking your silence and asking for help from people in your life.

I'm sure many of us will tell you that it's in these baby steps we take towards recognizing there is something wrong and then putting one foot ahead slowly we can ask for help and stop ourselves from doing something we do not want to do, hurt ourselves more and possibly others.

I have friends who've been in the military and my psychiatrist was in the military. There are many people who will be able to help you. I would also see if there is anyone in your friend or family network who can help you start the process of accessing support & services through the VA. They are specialized to help those who've served so bravely in combat. They will understand you
and what you need.

We often think we're protecting our families from things, but they do know when something is not right and sometimes feel powerless to help. PTSD is also just generally not well understood by the general public.

Remember above all else, you are a strong person and a survivor, you are not alone & there are people who love you and will help you find health and recovery.

All the best to you,

Avalon

Hi. I want you to know that there is help out there. Don't be afraid to use the VA system to get the help you need. They have a wonderful program for men in your position. I know this for a fact because I was in that program for ninety days. It literally changed my life. I strongly encourage you to utilize that which is so readily available. You even have priority there being a war vet. The only problem you might encounter in getting in is your drinking. They made me quit at least 30 days prior to accepting me. I will say it was well worth it. Please give it some thought.

Welcome to the forum.

Take care, Morgan

Welcome Home Carpe! I am a Desert Storm vet!
No, the VA does not contact your old command, they are far too busy to do that. They have no personnel to do that work. Your old buddies only know what you tell them. All your feelings about the war are natural and normal. You feel conflicted, and that is normal. You just came out of a warzone so be gentle with yourself. Get into the VA system as soon as you can and be honest. Apply for PTSD psychological help, and if you get a diagnosis, apply for disability that very day and backdate it to when you were on active duty overseas. This is very important. If you saw death or had any experience that caused your PTSD while on active duty, you deserve VA compensation (money) and don't deny yourself this. Get yourself a representative from one of the servie organizations like the DAV or the PVA, (You don't have to be paralyzed) they helped me get my 100%, and apply for disability as soon as you can.
This is a great website to come to to read and meet friends and talk. i come here alot. I got 60% disability right out of active duty, then 100% seven years later. Don't deny yourself what the government owes you. You did not feel this way before you entered the Marine Corps, did you? Now you feel real bad after you served your country. Your government owes you. Apply for disability. There's no shame in asking for what is yours!
2quilt

carpe - I'm Doug. I'm a Nam vet. PTSD since I got out in 1970. I've been on 100% for five years and know the process. Best thing that has happened to you is you know you have it man. I didn't know it till five years ago.

One, PTSD strikes people after combat even if they are the greatest of hero's. And no, no one going to think you are a pussy for having PTSD unless they are idiots and then they don't count.

Two, you can go the the VFW to have them help you fill out the paperwork and never have to talk to anyone at the VA. The only time you would have to face to face with them is when you talk to there shrink for an evaluation. I did it and its a peice of cake. I can tell you how to approach it and there are books, and people to tell you.

Three, contacting your old command they would probably not do. They might contact witnesses to the actions you were in or incidents as they call them, but only if you gave permission. Your buddies can just write statements of support there called, and you copy them and send them in. Nothing but paperwork Marine. The way it works to get disability is your fill out a claim form saying you have PTSD. You have to have a MD who states on an evaluation that you have PTSD. Piece of cake. You make up an incident list one incident per, where you report things that you saw, did, like if you shot a boy of 10 years old who you thought had a AK-47 and really just had a stick. Or if one of your buddies got shot and died in your arms. Or if your squad wasted a car load of friendlies 'cause they wouldn't stop at a check point. Then you give the date, the nearest you can remember of the action during which it occurred. Best is to give the name of a buddy who was there with you and can attest to the event in writing . . . just paperwork Marine. Then you get statements from family and friends about how you have changed. Get that all together and send it in and the VA does their thing. It takes awhile. And it can be frustrating but you can and will do it. One of the service organizations will help you. Its a done deal.

four, you have nothing to be ashamed about. PTSD is a response to combat, and has been around since mankind started killing each other. Audrey Murphy the WWII hero had it. I just read a story about a Mac McKinney who killed over a hundred Japs on an Island late in WWII. He had it.


Five, drinking is only going to make it worse. So stop doing it. Find a doctor on campus, they have a campus clinic right. Get them to start helping you. You have a campus counseling center. Go there. I take Trazadone to sleep. I still wake up thinking someone is still sneaking up on me dude. But I just think shit Doug. That's just the PTSD thing. And go back to sleep or read, or kill bad guys on the video game.

Six, you have a right to be pissed off solder. You were put in a crazy ****ed up occupation, FUBAR. You know what that means right. ****ed Up Beyond All Repair. You performed like a hero. You made it back to the world, you didn't let your buddies down then. And you won't now. I love the USA too, but the USA is not the ****in' retards that got you into that shit. That was the bloody pencil neck politician, and the ****ing pussy high command that put you in that impossible position. Get angry at them, put your anger at the people who deserve it. Not your family.

seven, you are irritable. Well, ****. Me to. I've been irritable for over thirty years and I've learned to live with it, and so can you. I've learned to live with the insomnia, and the nightmares.

Most of all Marine, you got to realize that you did your duty. You didn't let your buddies down and you made it back to the world. Nothing is your fault. You are a hero . . . damnit because I say you are, and in my mind you are.

Marine I know how your feeling brother! I met up with my buddies after our time in the Corps. These guys fought right beside me and they have the same problems. They talked me into getting help from the VA. My exwife tried, my current wife tried and my Mother tried to get me to go for help. Non of them understood the Stigma that comes with Mental Health problems and being a Tough Marine its hard. My Marine Brothers got me into getting help! I'm telling you some of the Toughest people have PTSD.

Screw what people think of you! Your Human and you need help. You don't need to tell anyone anything except the VA Doctors and Nurses ok. Stand up and have the Courage to take care of your problems, there is no shame.

Only information the VA will get is from your Units Logs, Diary's to make sure you were in Combat, also they will see your SRB or DD214 to see what awards. You received the CAR, then all you need to do is tell them your stressors. What happened to you and how you feel now. They are not going to call and speak with anyone. Who cares really devil dog!
Later stress letter from you and maybe some of your buddies might be needed, but the claim itself is just one thing. You want help and they will give you help no matter what the claim process is in. Meaning the VA will give you some sort of counseling, maybe medications. Getting the help you need is # 1. Claim for PTSD is secondary, sure the money will deminish some financial problems that can stress you out but your health is more important.

From one Brother to another....... Get your Jarhead butt into the nearest VA and get the help you deserve.

I know its a pain in the butt dealing with the VA, but you dont want to wait until 20 yrs later... Divorced, Jailed, Drunken or drug out. Its harder to deal with the older you get. Your young and Your A Marine. Go into the VA and show them how Marines get R done!

Semper Fi Brother!

So many service men and women on this thread and I just want to say thank you...regardless of everyone's political beliefs, you all have sacrificed and served your country during various times and seasons and I am very grateful...thank you for giving me my freedom.

Grace

Carpe,
I salute you & thank you for wearing a uniform & enduring the hell that came with your service to our country. I understand you did not agree with the politics, but you still
serve. That is huge & I thank you for it with the utmost of respect.

I am not a veteran, but have PTSD myself (abducted 1981) & I am married to a former Navy Seal who served 2 tours in Nam. I do not intent to be presumptious. I cannot begin to imagine he horrors you had thrown upon you, but I can tell you this,...
...Reach Out for Help. You have earned it & you are not crazy for needing it. The fact that you are hurting is an indication you need to do something besides slowly acquiring a drinking problem. Then you will still have PTSD AND a drinking problem.

My husband held it in so many years until one day he was choking me and screaming at me in vietnamese. Understand he is normally a quiet and easy going man. We