Tactman,

As a non-military person, I am not appalled at what you have had to do to fight for the rights of humanity whether it be American lives or innocent Iraqi lives. I hate the pain it brings you, but have nothing but the utmost respect for you and wish there was some answer to it all. The world will always have evil and you are fighting it up close and personal. I don't think we will know the why's until we can ask God face to face...until then, I pray somehow he comforts your mind and spirit until you come home.

Grace

Grace, thank you. As I have said, I am struggling hard with religion. I have sat here and read the book of Job about 2 times. I don't know why Im drawn to this book of the bible, maybe I feel like Im being tested.

Grace, your words mean the world to me. The people on this forum are amazing.

< Removed political rant on who to vote for >

Everyone here who has offered to pray for me, I can't thank you enough. Im going on an op soon. An op that I have a bad feeling about. I find myself praying more, trying to regain my faith. I love God, I just fear the day I stand before him for judgement. When he looks into me and see's all I have done, I don't see how he can see how he can not send me to hell. I do what my country orders me to do. I do it with pride and am proud to serve my country. Grace, I am proud to serve you and every single person who has taken a moment of their time to reach out to me.

I am man enough to admit that I am fearful of what awaits me. I have the best training, the best equipment, and my team is a collection of the best men I have ever served with. I trust each of them with my life. I know each of them would die to protect me and I would die to protect each of them without hesitation.

People, this place, this forum, this is amazing. People come out and share themselves, put themselves out on display for others to analyze and give advice. Each and everyone of you is special. I wish I could help with the hurt people here have. When I return I will do my best to share my experiences to help people.

Again, just to name a VERY few special people who have helped me that I would like to personally thank.

Bailey'sEmT, your amazing, the time you have devoted to me. You have made me feel special, something I havent felt for a long time. You have spent so much time messaging me and sharing your own personal trauma.

Grace, I can honestly feel your caring from the way you wrote your response. You seem like an amazing person whom I would love to know more about.

SeeBeeVet, Hooah my brother!

Veiled and your help with Shamrock, it wasnt forgotten. Thank you so much.

Portabella, I can't thank you enough for offering an open ear. It means alot to me.

2Quilt, your words give me hope. Hope that I will be ok stateside.

Nie, Thank you for your prayer and putting me in your thoughts.

Kathy and SheCat. You both are dead on. This is something Im going to have to face head on eventually. I just can't lose my edge right now.

I wish I could take each of your pain.

One additional thought on the political situation unfolding in the US and the Iraq policies these policiticans want to impose. They are not even considering the innocent Iraqi people. If we remove every soldier in 60 days we will see genocide on a level that the world has not witnessed since Hitler.

I have seen soldiers with Hitlerly Clinton written around their barracks. The majority of the Iraqi civilians are GOOD people. I know many many of them. These are family people, just like us. They want to raise their children, they want to better themself. They want to live and love and embrase life. These people are scared to death of OUR elections.

I recently had one father blatantly said that he has accepted the fact that if we are withdrawn he will watch his children be beheaded and his wife be beheaded before him. He told me they will leave him with their bodies for 5 minutes before they behead him. He asked me to provide him with a firearm to defend his family. I will supply him with a weapon and I will train his 8 year old son if need to. I will train his wife.

People, this scares me to death. These people, these people who want to just watch their children live, thrive, and be happy will all be killed because they did not join the insurgency.

This election may be the most important election in the history of our country. I am not asking people to vote one way or the other. I am asking people to just think. I know people are sick of the war. I know people are sick of our young men and woman coming home to be buried by their families. I have known hundreds of men and woman, American men and woman who have lost their lives here. I have held many as they took their last breath. Most speak of their families, several make remarks about how to complete the mission and protect the innocent civilians. Myself as well as many soldiers here have become close with people here.

Vote whom you think will be the best choice for the evolving world. Please vote, peoples lives depend on EVERY single vote.

Tactman,

I'm non-militiary and I have no personal connection with the military.

However your posts touched my heart. The horrors that you face and the decisions you have to make, in fighting for your country(and the world), are harsh, and demanding. I think you and your fellow soldiers are courageous and heroic.

I wish you every safety in your up-coming op. My thoughts are with you. I also hope you will continue your courageous battle, to seek the help that you so much deserve; in finding a way to treat your PTSD, so you can live a good life, which is what you truely merit. You deserve peace.

I think you are a wonderful human being; and I thank you.

Tactman,

My prayers go with you......I hope and pray with all of my heart that when your tour is over that you can leave the hatred, the anger, the filth, the murder and mayhem there. Bring home with you a changed men, but one with compassion, love, and honor.

I wish you well on your journey, and my prayers do go with you. be safe....

Many many hugs of gratitude for what you do. You are a special person....All of you guys/and gals are.

With love.

"I Keep Volunteering for Deployment"

The reason you do that is because you know no different. You come home, you feel lost, you go back to theatre and you feel complete, you feel you have structure to your day, reason and purpose.... your becoming quite lost within yourself. Only you can help you though....

Hey Tachman -


I'm a Nam vet (deeply religious . . . Jesus is my hero and I pray that I walk in his path even to martyrdom) and I still hate the Vietnamese nation with a passion . . . my fantasy is to walk a series of Nukes about 100 starting from the delta all along Nam up to the Chinese boarder and then maybe keep going on up to Peking. Toast them all, men, women, children, babies, rice paddies . . . everything. And if I had the End of The World Button (a reference to Ren and Stimpy) I don't know if I could restrain myself . . . my hate goes so deep. I know this is wrong . . . God will forgive you, just like he forgives me. You know by Grace, God will forgive even your most horrible actions and desires even the ones you still hesitate to tell us. It is by Grace alone that we become fit to stand by the side of the Lord in heaven. You just got to ask for it Brother . . . just ask Him for it. You know he loves you, you know it. He will give you the forgiveness you seek. You aren't the only one who has done evil . . . you know that. I have done evil too.


You're urge to protect the Iraqi people who you have come to love is righteous. Your wrath is righteous. But you are not the hand of God . . . you have not become Wrath. Keep that in mind. I believe God is working through you to protect these innocent people . . . why you I don't know. God does not only deliver Wrath and His judgment on earth with earthquakes, floods, etc. But I am afraid for you in this way . . . that you may have come to believe that you are Wrath, and the Judger. It is God who decides, not you. This is the danger and the fear I have . . . and perhaps that is why you keep reading Job because God tested the faith of Job . . . . horrible horrible test just like the horror you are going through. Maybe God wants you to make the moral distinction, now, right now, that he has worked His Wrath through you, but that he is done with you . . . you are free to go home GI. But he wants you do make the choice make the moral choice . . . . yes, I was Wrath, Gods Avenger of the Innocent, but now I am choosing to be wrath. I have become the Judger. Thus you suffer . . . . you have seen too much. Done too much. It is time for you to let go . . . your time as Wrath I believe has passed. You have become wrath . . . which is one of the seven deadly sins. Gluttony, Sloth, Avarice, Lust, Pride, Envy, Wrath. God will forgive you.


There are communities of Vets in the US of A. One I had the luck to run into when I had $20 and and old F-250 Ford to live in, here in Washington State. No matter how bad things get when you give up being what you have become . . . and get back to the world, there will be vets here who know exactly what you are going though, exactly.


One thing about these secret pentagon missions you are on . . . you get documentation on your actions somehow before you come home . . . or soon after. Either official action reports, make a dairy with dates, have them signed off by a buddy because once this is over and the pencil necks in Washington DC want to make a convenient denial that there never were any special Pentagon execution squads . . . . your service records will disappear. I know that for a fact . . . happened to a buddy of mine from Nam. Illegal missions in Laos, no service records. Period . . end of story. No matter what they tell you, get it documented.



PS I got a little different view about why you keep going back . . . perhaps you can't leave your beloved Iraqi friendlies. I had a airborne trooper buddy who went back 3 ups to The Nam to get revenge for the death of a friend.

Tactman, I am a one deployment combat vet, my unit saw a lot of action in sadir city in OIFll. My experiences arn't like yours, in the sense that i was not so close i could smell their breath, but close enough to see them bleed. When i first shot a man dead it felt surreal, then i felt hate, the man that meand two others took out had a bomb on him and he wold not stop so we stopped him. I didn't let myself feel sad or guilty, the only thing that i felt was, its not gonna be me bleeding on the ground. I was glad i killed him, all the people that i killed over there i was glad that i killed. Just like you, i thought that by me killing those people, they could not end up killing you or me. Look at saving private ryan, the scene when one soldier didn't deliver the ammo or stop the german from killing his friend, more soldiers died because of his mistake to engage the enemy.
The only remorse that i felt for inflicting death, was when i ran over a dog on accident. Sure it probably sounds dumb since the dog was probably half dead, but i felt worse for taking a dogs life than a mans life. I have flashbacks too, at first i thought that they were normal thoughts, i become mezmorized in them sometimes and forget where i'm at, or what i am doing. No nightmares though, they all happen when i am awake. Loud unexpected noises make me wide eyed and my adrenaline surges, i don't dive for cover though, i just tell myself that its nothing and that it was just a loud noise. But that doesn't always work though, a few months ago i was working in a bad part of town and 2 teenagers started shooting at people right in front of me, and just rode off. when i saw them, and heard the shots i became wide eyed and flew against the wall started to tell myself that it was nothin and then i carried on with what i was doing. What the f is that, most people would have been a little freaked out by that but my stupid ass just walked along like nothing happened until i saw a mob ( most likely gang memebers ) go chasing after these idiots. thats when i turned around and went the other way.
In your first writing you said you don't understand why we want to keep going back. Well i just recently got out of the military, and if i wasn't married with a new baby i would re enlist for some reason or another. I told my wife that there is a part of me that wants to go back, all my friends are going back in a few months. There is a part of me that wants to go, for the guys that died fighting with me, and the ones still fighting. i was told that my re enlistment bonus would pay for the divorce, that made my decision.
my mind and life is becoming more and more bombarded with hate and rage at nothing and everything and i just now reilized that i have a serious problem. This will destroy your life if it is not addressed, 3 years after my experience and i am on the brink of the destruction of my marriage. Your not alone, and although you have seen far more than myself or most of us in general, i can sympathise with you.
Don't come home and live on the streets, get some help, i havn't yet but i am going this week for the first time. I'll